The Mental Hospital

Seven

The next few days were a blur. My parents are able to visit me, which is cool I guess. Jake's a great guy. He's actually been helping a lot. I learned a lot about the group. Alex is bisexual and is dating Jenna, Taylor's gay, and Amanda sees dead people. I didn't really learn anything about Jenna. She's pretty quiet and keeps to herself. I'm doing no better then when I got here. I have the same thoughts, the same intentions. I'm not getting better, I'm not getting worse; I'm just here.

I am sitting on my bed between hours, reading about a boy who has anger management. His life sucks. Then he meets the girl of his dreams and everything is okay. I wish my life were like that. Although in pretty sure I'm asexual. I've never been able to see myself with a boy, let alone a girl.

I am reading as Gerald and Hannah make out in the shower. Then I hear a piercing shriek coming from down the hall. I go out to see half a dozen nurses trying to pin Amanda to the floor. She's screaming. She's crying. She's begging for the unseen people to help her; to send the people a sign so they don't think she's crazy. But the unseen people do nothing. The doctors inject her with a needle and she stops moving; her eyes flutter close.

I feel sick to my stomach knowing this is exactly what I looked like a couple of days ago. Before I came here, I thought this only happened on TV. I didn't know people could see the dead, and I don't know that hey treated the patients so badly. I really feel sick now. I run to the bathroom and puke. I flush the toilet and just sit there for a moment. I look at my surroundings and see ways I could kill myself. I could smash my head against the mirror. I can shove my toothbrush down my windpipe. I could slit my throat with Sadie's razor.

Twenty minutes and thirty ways to die later I walk to Taylor and Alex's room. This has become our hangout spot. Without knocking, I walk in and wish I'd knocked. There Alex was, tears streaming down his face. He was pressed up against Taylor, kissing him. He did something with his hips, making both boys moan. I slam the door shut.

I remember that this is Alex's last day. I think about Jenna. Poor Jenna. I wonder if I should tell her. I'd probably want someone to tell me. So I do.

"I just caught Alex and Taylor making out." I say quietly, interrupting Sadie and Jenna's game of Monopoly. Jenna's face drops. Sadie's reddens. They storm into Taylor and Alex's room, only to see Alex sitting on his bed, sobbing. Taylor is rubbing circles on his back. "Get AWAY from him!!" Jenna screams and practically throws him across the room, but in all reality she just pushed him away really hard. By this point, Jenna is crying, her perfect makeup running down her perfect cheeks. "Alex, what is happening? Please tell me what Forest said isn't true. Please. Please!"

Now I understand why it's unreasonable to be in this kind of relationship. Both lovers are unstable.  Alex's head snapped up. His eyeliner was running, too. "You told, Forest? How could you?" His voice goes from broken to angry. "I thought you were my friend!" He yells at me. I flinch. "You don't understand how I feel!" He turns to Jenna. "I'm sorry. I did this because I was upset. I was feeling really low, a-and Taylor's always been there for me--" Jenna cuts him off. "And I haven't? Who was there when you broke both your arm and your leg? Who was there when your grandmother died? Who was there when you were questioning your sexuality? Not Taylor! Me! I was there for you!" Jenna sobbed and pulled at her hair. "I mean, fuck, Alex! What, am I supposed to feel bad for you?" She calms down and the room grows quiet. I can hear nurses rushing down the hall. "I can't do this. We're done, Alex. I hate you."

Taylor is sitting on the floor, about to break down in tears. Sadie is counting to one hundred out loud. Alex is still sobbing. I am in the corner, shaking. I am about to have an anxiety attack. I see snow all around the room as I burst into tears and collapse. Two nurse take me. Another takes Alex.

I realize something. This hospital is full of sad kids. Sad, empty, broken kids. People think that little pills can help, but they don't. We will forever be broken. Someone once said, "When things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents it getting back together again. A little piece gets lost in the process. The two remaining ends couldn't fit back together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed." It's not like we asked to be this way. We didn't tell our moms, 'Hey, I'd like to have mental health problems so I suffer for years once I get into adolescence!' It just happens. Suddenly, and abruptly.

We break.