words for the wind

VI

affliction

i have no pleasure in the drugs and alcohol that i often find myself consumed in.

i have a much bigger reason for my raving indulgences.

it's not the enjoyment that i risk my life, reason, and reputation for.

it's the desperate attempt to escape the torturing memories and the haunting presence of emptiness that seems to consume me at all hours of the day and night.

it's the relentless loneliness and the never ending pain that torments my mind.

the agony and desolation is too much for me to bare alone.

because now that you're gone, i'm not the same.

and i never will be.

i've lost all hope for recovery.

because, it seems that you can't leave me.

your memory is manifested in my mind and i can't shake it out.

so it seems the only way to free myself is through the highs and the buzzes.

or so, i would like to believe.

but please, don't mistake my addiction for pleasure.

because to me, there is no pain greater than this.