Freedom (No More Updates)

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

A bucket of ice cold water comes in contact with my face. The moment it hits me I jolt awake and stumble off my bed onto the floor. A jolt of pain surges through my body and stays there as I hit the floor and I let out a piercing scream. I’m soaked from my head to my waist. I put the palm of my hands on the floor and my knees as well, ignoring the pain that still rests all over me.

I keep my gaze to the floor and ask through gritted teeth, “What was that all about?”

Mother replies with, “Just felt like watching you squirm this morning, that’s all.” Then she leaves the room with a loud bang as the door slams behind her.

Slowly, I stand up, trying to inflict the least amount of pain upon myself as I do so. Once I'm upright, I stand there for just a moment, thinking about nothing. I feel hollow with no thoughts. As if I’m just a crack on the wall.

I open my door and walk to the bathroom. I turn the shower on and jump right in, not bothering to take off any of my clothing. I stand there with my empty mind, drenching myself in hot water, letting the steam envelope me in a blanket of warmth. I sit down and hug my knees. I keep my gaze facing forward and cry. Hot tears stain my face for just a second before they are washed away, just like everything else in my life. It’s there one minute, then gone the next. The empty tears fade away and I'm left with nothing but the sound of water hitting the surface.

I am a void.

I have no thoughts or feelings. I have no soul. I am empty.

I am empty and I have such a powerful desire to be filled with something.

I want to feel.

I want to have a voice.

I want to be someone, not just something.

I want I want I want, but I can never have.

I can’t feel.

I can’t have a voice.

I can’t be someone.

I will always be something, because that’s the way people see me and I’ve become so accustomed to this, that I am starting to believe it myself.

I already have.

I turn the shower off and stand up. I’ve always felt like a thousand pounds was weighing me down, now, physically, that’s true. My saturated clothes are tight against my skin, but they feel heavy against my skin as well. I peel them off and throw them in a heap on the floor. I grasp a towel and dry myself. Then, change my clothes.

I wear a light blue t-shirt with a thick sweater zipped up to the middle. My pants are dark blue skinny jeans and I wear my hair down. I look terrible.

I don’t bother grabbing anything but my back pack, and I walk straight out the door wearing my dad's old combat boots. Stiff as a brick I walk till I reach the bus station. Everyone who is already there stares at me. When I take one step towards them, they take one step back. It’s like I have a never ending contagious virus.

The bus approaches us and when it stops everyone loads onto it. I am the last one to enter the bus.

“Excuse me?” the bus driver says.

I respond with a simple, “Yes?”

“C-could you s-step off of t-the bus, y-you’re not allowed o-on this bus.” He stammers.

He’s afraid of you, I think, all of them are, they don’t want to be near you.

“Of course.” I say. He seems like a great deal of weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

If only I could feel that way, but I never will.

I turn around and leave the bus. I don’t know what to do. I have no other mode of transportation. Unless I wait for the next bus, but by the time that bus gets here I’ll be late for class, and if I walk, well, I’ll still be late for class.

I decide skipping school is my best option.

No one wants me there anyway. All I’ll get is dirty looks and notes in my locker saying ‘You don’t belong here, so why don’t you go jump off a bridge, creep.’

The worst thing is that I’ve actually considered doing it.

That maybe, just maybe the world would be better off without me.