The Broken Places (Septiplier)

1) The Emptiness

Jack was like the sun. He was like the sun after weeks of nothing but pain and emptiness. He was all smiles and joy and the most beautiful pieces of all the people Mark had ever met rolled into one. He was wonderful and beautiful and everything Mark had never known he'd needed.

Mark was not the sun, he was not light or beauty or grace. He was pain, he was so much pain that he wasn't even himself anymore. He hadn't felt like he meant anything to anyone in so long that he'd all but forgotten what feeling felt like. He was nothing, he had nothing. Pain and pity and self loathing. And guilt. There was never ending guilt.

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"It wasn't your fault, Mark. It wasn't anyone's fault. He was tired, he was so tired of hurting and he was just, he was ready."

The words were a bitter memory and they made Mark want to vomit until he was as empty as he felt. Until he was nothing. There would be no saving him then. No one to pity him or hug him, or watch him cry with those same, 'poor Mark poor poor broken Marimoo'  looks that made him almost as sick as the reflection in the mirror.

"Maybe you'll like it here, you know? This will be good for us, Mark." Matt's voice trembled and it was easy to read the pain in his voice. "We loved him too. Maybe this new house will make a fresh start, for all of us."

"We loved him too." The words chased each other around and around the empty parts of him. They filled him with anger, with guilt, but most of all pain. "We loved him too, we loved him too, welovedhimtoo, welovedhimwelovedhimwelovedhim."

And he was choking on the scream that threatened to erupt from him, the words stinging on his heavy tongue. He tried to hold them back, he did, but there was no stopping it, it was a long time coming. You could only hold onto something for so long before you snapped. And he snapped.

"IT WASN'T THE SAME." How did he get on his feet? Why was he screaming? Why couldn't he lower his voice? Why couldn't he stop? "IT WASN'T THE SAME BECAUSE I LOVED HIM SO MUCH. HE WAS SO MUCH MORE AND NOW HE'S DEAD AND EVERYTHING HURTS AND I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE BECAUSE I KNOW NOTHING BUT HOW BADLY MISSING HIM HURTS." His voice broke and, without realizing how, he was suddenly on his knees. "Everything hurts, God, Matt, everything hurts."

And he wasn't sure -when Matt dropped beside him- if the sobs were Matt's or his own. It was comforting, though, not knowing. Because the small, sane part of him could pretend it wasn't him crying, that it wasn't him feeling this unending emptiness.  He could pretend he didn't have to hate himself for screaming at Matt, for taking his anger out on Matt, for letting Joseph die. He could pretend that everything was fine and that this was just a bad dream. 

Mark was gone, he was sobbing and he was wrapped tightly in Matt's arms but he was gone. He didn't hear the door open, didn't hear Ryan greeting Jack and explaining the situation. He felt Matt moving away, but his warmth was replaced with another, so Mark didn't linger on it. He felt empty and cold and wanted nothing more than to sleep and never have to wake up again. To lose this feeling of guilt, of loss, of pain. But instead, he clung to the warmth. He clung to Jack's warm body without realizing it was Jack he was clinging to. This was the first moment in which Mark compared Jack to the sun, without even realizing it.

"How do I breathe? How do I breathe went in hurts to move, when it hurts to be because he was everything and now he's gone and I'm nothing." He wasn't sure if he was thinking or speaking and, by this point, he didn't care.

"It's alright Mark, it's going to be alright. I'm here." Jack's voice was soft and broken and laced with a pain he could not name. It felt like empathy and pity and in some strange sense, jealousy. "It's okay Mark, I've got you."