The Broken Places (Septiplier)

9)The Guilt

A/N Hello guys! I'm finally getting back to this story and getting something done with it. I hope you like this chappie. 

Thanks for your patience and support!

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They'd only just gotten back from the Zoo and Mark collapsed on the couch, exhausted. He had been fairly quiet and secluded for the remainder of their time at the zoo. He'd meant to enjoy himself but he'd gotten distracted trying to piece together his thoughts and feelings. He knew he felt for Jack, had known for a while now that if he was given the chance he'd be with Jack. But his feelings for Joseph were still fresh and present and confusion. Would Jack even want to be with him? What if he was just being a good friend? What if Mark made a fool of himself? Not to mention the guilt about Joseph that was still thick and fresh in his chest. He wasn't sure if he should tell Jack how he felt, he knew he'd been sort of rude today and he knew that Jack didn't deserve it, but he couldn't stop himself. He was pulling away because of the confusion he was desperately trying to sort out. What should he do? 

Mark sighed, setting his face in his hands, trying to organize his chaotic thoughts. Why couldn't anything ever be easy? 

"Mark, what's going on man? You've been weird all day. Was it the zoo?" Ryan's voice was soft as he dropped down onto the couch rolling the neck of a beer bottle between his hands. "Was it thinking about Joseph?" 

"No," Mark sighed, carding his fingers through his fading hair. He'd need to dye it again, soon. "I feel guilty, is all." 

"If this is about Joseph's death, you can't blame yourself. It was no one's fa-"

"No. It isn't that, it's Jack." Mark's voice was soft, heavy with grief and guilt. "I think I'm starting to fall for him and I feel guilty because Joseph hasn't even been gone a year yet. I loved him, Ryan, really I did. But I have all these feelings for Jack and I don't know what to do about them. He has to go home in a few weeks and I don't know if I should tell him. I don't know if I want to tell him. But at the same time, I can't image not telling him, you know?"

"Of course you did, Mark. No one doubts that. But Jack is here, Jack is alive and he is doing everything he can to make you feel better. You can't just throw away your feelings for him to mourn a dead man. Joseph would want you to be happy, Mark. Especially if it means being with someone you love." Ryan rubbed the back of his neck, smiling slightly. "Why do you think I got with Matt? Because we need to let ourselves be happy again. We need to learn how to let ourselves be happy, you know?" 

Mark sighed, rubbing his face. Ryan was right, they did need to be happy. Joey wouldn't want to see them like this, he wouldn't want them to be like this. If they owed it to anyone to be happy, it was Joey. Mark knew that he needed to move on and get past the guilt. He hadn't been with Joseph, hadn't even told him he loved him. Joey wasn't holding Mark back, Mark was holding himself back. And he realized that.

"I'm gonna go talk to Jack. Wish me luck."

"Always." Ryan clapped Mark on the back, smiling slightly. "And tell him I'm sorry, again."

"Will do."

Mark made his way down the hallway toward his room where Jack was napping. Plucking up his courage he knocked on the door, holding his breath as he tried to plan out what he was going to say. He didn't have much time though, Jack opened the door wearing only a t-shirt and briefs. His eyes were full of sleep and he absentmindedly rubbed one with his fist, looking at Mark with hazy eyes.

"Is everything alright?" Jack asked, his voice heavy and thick with sleep.

"We need to talk, but I can let you slee-"

"Don't worry about it. Come on." Jack stepped back, allowing Mark into the room.

While Jack pulled on a pair of sweats Mark nervously settled on the bed, twiddling his thumbs and trying to come up with what he was going to say. Where did he start? How did he tell his best friend he had feelings for him, when he had only just realized it himself? What about his grief for Joseph? Sure, this was a good day, but most of the days weren't good days. What if Jack didn't want all his baggage? What if Jack laughed in his face? What if Jack-

"Mark! Where did you go?" Jack asked, waving a hand in front of Mark's face. "I thought you wanted to talk?"

"Right, I do. I have something important I need to tell you." Mark's voice shook and he stuck his hands between his thighs to keep them from shaking.

"Well, what is it?" Jack asked, still confused and exhausted.

"Okay, well, it wasn't supposed to go like this. I never imagined this would happen, I always thought I'd ignore it or choke it down or lie to myself. But then Joey died and you were here and you took care of me and now I have to tell you because it's killing me. But it might ruin our friendship and that's the last thing I want to happen because I need you Jack. I really do. You are my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without you. But this is going to keep eating at me until I tell you and I just I feel so guilty and I can't but I have to and I feel so guilty. I hate myself for this but at the same time I can't not say it. I hate that I feel so guilty because I loved Joey, I really did but he's gone and he isn't coming back and I need to move on. I just don't know how to say this. I'm rambling and-"

"Mark!" Jack grabbed the shorter man by the shoulders. "Just tell me what you need to tell me."

"I think.... I think I love you." 

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A/N DUN DUN DUN CLIFFHANGER FOR DAAAAAAAYS

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