How to Fall in Love in Three Easy Steps

Chapter 10

Hell, this was hell. It was hell without Jack next to him. This life was absolute hell.

It had been almost a month since he'd talked to Jack. Every English class was like another stab in him when he saw Jack, just sitting there, not saying a word to him. Each time, Alex tried to open his mouth, nothing came out. He just wanted to say something to Jack, even if it was an "I hate you" or "I never want to see you again." He wanted Jack to argue with him for once about what had happened between them.

And maybe, he wanted to kiss him again.

Alex couldn't help but think about the kiss they'd shared, and how mad at himself he was for liking it. This was not how it was supposed to be, Alex was not supposed to be gay. He liked boobs and girls and vagina and not penis, never penis.

By god, he wanted to stop feeling this way for Jack. He had begun to notice something had changed within him when the two of them were hanging out in Alex's room on a Saturday afternoon. Jack was sitting on the edge of Alex's bed while Alex was sprawled across the floor. The two of them were talking about nothing in particular, like English class or something, when Jack absentmindedly began tapping his fingers on his legs and smiling. He was tapping to the beat of a Blink-182 song, and he was getting really into it. Strange mannerisms were part of Alex's life now, due to Jack. Sometimes, Jack would just stop talking and stare off into space, leaving you hanging in silence. At that moment, the only thing you could do is stare at Jack, waiting for him to come back to earth. In those few seconds, you learned every one of his facial features, like the small bump in his nose or how big his eyebrows really were. But it was those little things that made him absolutely beautiful, a thought that crossed Alex's mind all the time.

Jack, without warning, lay down on Alex's bed, putting his head back on the pillow. Without realizing what he was thinking, Alex was about to get up off the floor and jump onto to bed next to Jack. Before he could stop himself, Alex sat up and looked at Jack. There was nothing peculiar about the action, but something about it made Alex's stomach feel very fluttery.

That was the first time Alex felt something for Jack, and it sure as hell wouldn't be the last.

The bell rang for fourth period to end, causing Alex to spring out of his thoughts. Lunch was next, which was Alex's least favorite time of the day ever since he had kissed Jack. Each day, he watched Jack sit alone at his own table, while he prayed that Jack would come back over and sit down next to Alex once more. Maybe they would even kiss again, if Jack would allow it. If Alex could have one more wish, it would be to make things right again. If only things could go back to normal, even for a second.

Why had this happened? Why had Alex fallen for another guy? Why did the other guy have to like him back? This wasn't fair, for Alex or Jack.

Alex remembered each time Shaun had called Jack a fag or had been awful towards him. He tried not to imagine the conflict within Jack at this moment, as he thought that Alex hated him or that Alex did not want him. He imagined the pain Jack felt inside.

The rest of the day was a blur to Alex as the thoughts raced through his mind like cars on the highway. It was an odd feeling to want to kiss Jack, because for all his life, Alex had never wanted another guy. At least Alex didn't have a girlfriend while falling for this guy, unlike his father. Some days, he didn't even want to think of what his dad had done to their family. Their whole damn family had been ripped apart because Alex's father couldn't make up his own fucking mind about who he loved. And now, Alex was almost just like him. He had fallen for another man, just like his father.

"You're just as despicable as your father," the voice in Alex's head screamed at him.

The voice was screeching at Alex that he needed to stop liking Jack and that he was his father. Alex couldn't quite convince himself that this was all in his head, and he covered his ears. He was sitting on his bed, trying not to hear the voice yell at him. It was beginning to scare the shit out of him to hear this voice uttering terrible things at him.

"YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER, YOU FUCKED UP EVERYTHING AND YOU CAN'T FIX IT! NOTHING IS GOING TO GET BETTER WITH JACK BECAUSE YOU FUCKED HIS LIFE OVER! YOU HAVE TO STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE TO EVERYONE AND RUINING EVERYONE'S LIVES!"

"Stop!" Alex cried.

Oh, how he missed Jack and the way his hair stuck up in peculiar angles and how he smirked whenever someone made a joke. Longing rested in the pit of Alex's stomach for Jack and for all the small things that made him Jack. Everything was rushing at Alex all at once, making Alex feel as if his head might explode. All he wanted was to make things right again, to have Jack all to himself without disappointing everyone else. To Alex, Jack was a new discovery, a beautiful thing he could finally have.

This was going to be the most difficult thing he'd ever encountered, due to his family. His mother might actually kill him, considering everything she'd been through. Who knows what his father would say to him. Would he supportive because he knows what it's like? Or would he disapprove and make Alex never talk to Jack again? This was too complicated for a 17 year old boy to go through. How the hell did anyone deal with this? Is this what his father had felt like too?

Alex buried his head into his pillow and tried to salvage whatever smell was left from Jack. At first, Alex had been able to smell Jack's shampoo on his pillow and the rest of his body on his blankets. Even though it was kind of creepy, Alex would wrap himself up in the blankets and think about Jack way too often.

Moments like those scared Alex the most, when he realized that he really, truly liked Jack. Turning all this back seemed to be the only option, the only way to get things back to normal. But one question still remained in Alex's mind: did he really want to forget Jack? Did he want to forget the way he would get all nervous when they would speak in front of the class or how he when he kissed Alex, he licked Alex's bottom lips just to make sure? The answer to that question was definitely a huge no.