Phillip

November 15th

What a grim day Phillip. If there was a score board for Caroline I think I would have lost at least 10 points. 

I went and bloody told Ian like an idiot. 

Worst of it is I don't know what he thinks of it all. If he thinks Mum and dad should stick out just because they got kids together god knows what he thinks of me now. I don't even know what I think of me either.

It all started because Sly had a meltdown this morning. He always has a little go at me but I usually give up before it gets anywhere.

He had an event at Wellington stadium today so got up super early. He usually goes to bed at 9 or 10 which means I have had to go to bed at 9 or 10 because he's a freak. His alarm went off and I couldn't get back to sleep so got up as well and he instantly started bombing me with accusations of why I was up and where I was going and to go back to bed. I said
- "Oh don't get your knickers in a twist." Which in return he did. He started pulling extra hard at the clothes he was putting on.
Sly – "Don't give me that crap Caroline I can tell when you're up to something."
Me – "Well obviously you don't because I'm not up to anything."
Sly – "Well why are you up then? It's 4am."
Me – "Because your alarm woke me up!"
Sly – "Doesn't bother you any other day!" So I rolled my eyes. "What are you doing then? Are you going to visit your friends? What have you got them doing?"
Me – "Look I'm getting back into bed. See. No drama. Night night." I crawled back in. Sly couldn't do his tie up properly because he was too busy making up stories about me.
Sly – "Bet you got them to ring the fucking murder clinic. Didn't you?" I very loudly sighed and pulled the blanket over my head. 

Also thanks for the genius idea Sly. I will definitely do that if I can get hold of Greg. 

Sly got so hung up on this idea that I'd already called them. He kept going
- "You didn't though. Caroline? Right? Caroline. You know it's wrong don't you? We talked about this."
Me – "I didn't say anything and I'm not going anywhere." It came out muffled because I was still hiding under the covers. He had come around to my side of the bed and was leaning over me. He went all silent so I pulled the covers down a little and he stared back frowning.
Me – "What?"
Sly – "I'm scared."
Me – "Of what?"
Sly – "Of what you're going to do." 
Me – "I only do what you tell me too." I thought he was going to cringe at that but instead he went
- "Give me your diary then." And obviously I said
- "What? No! No way!"
Sly – "Why not?! If you're not up to anything then it shouldn't be a problem."
Me – "Because I'm allowed to have this one thing! This one thing is mine and I say who reads it! And fuck you anyway I'm 18 and can get up and go to bed whenever I want!" So I flung the covers off and locked myself in the bathroom until he had to leave. He spent a good deal of that time cursing at me through the door.

For the rest of the day I tried to find a phone without baldy seeing. He's supposed to be following bloody Sylvester around not me. What a loser. This is the only way I can get out of Sly's room without him having a panic attack so I've been dealing with it. Usually he just stays in the lounge next to the stairs unless I go down.

So while I was scavenging through the house Ian came home from school. I've talked to him a few times since the whole ordeal but he's always going somewhere or studying for exams so the convo is made up of one word sentences. I'm not sure how much he did know then but we both know I shouldn't have punched him in the face so he's still a bit bitter about that. I have apologised profusely. Every time I see him I give my 'please forgive me' face and he just glares a little. I did brake his nose. It's definitely crooked now. My bad.

Anyway after brewing in my pissed off state most of the morning I ended up feeling extra sorry for myself because the only people I've been able to talk to for the last few weeks is Sly or Baldy and finally Mum. So when I saw Ian I asked if he wanted me to make him some noodles because that's the only thing I know how to make. He actually agreed! I tried not make a big deal out of it, I just brushed it off like 'yeah of course you would, I am the best noodle chef in town.' I didn't actually say that because he would have changed his mind so just sent him those vibes instead.

When we were eating Ian went
- "Where's the ring?"
I said – "It's more like a hypothetical ball and chain." He didn't like my sass and just glared so I went
- "Nah he's getting it sized or something."
Ian – "This was very quick."
Me – "I know, almost like he made the decision on the spot." I laughed, Ian got real confused. So I tried to explain the best I could and in the most serious way I could that I was not marrying this guy and Ian got very upset about it all.
Ian – "Caz he's so good to us you can't just say yes and change your mind." He went to give me a lecture so I quickly added
– "I never changed my mind, the first I knew of it was when he announced it on the Breakfast show!"
This made him very quiet.
Ian – "I don't understand the joke."
I said - "what joke?"
Ian shook his head and looked away. He said quietly – "I don't understand why you would joke about this." Then we stared at each other for ages. Finally he said
- "You're very selfish you know."

I'm SELFISH????
HAS HE MEET SLY? HE WON'T EVEN LET ME WHERE A BLOODY BACKPACK AHHHHHH FUCK THEM PHILLIP!

Me – "Don't go all righteous on me Ian! You're the one getting the best situation out of all of us! He's paying for your camps and Uni and all that crap-"
Ian – "I'm fucking working for a future, you're fucking just, lazing around, living of Sly's fortune! You don't even go to school!" I couldn't believe he actually believed that. That's what the media is saying. I didn't ever think Ian would actually listen to any of it.
Ian – "Worst is I have to put up with all the shit going round. You fucking dragged me into it. You know they are calling us the gold digger twins?! The least you could do is turn up once in a while so I don't have to do it alone!"
Me – "Sly won't let me!" Then I went and let it all out like an idiot.
"He won't let me do anything Ian! I'm not allowed to work, I'm not allowed to wear a backpack, I can't order of the kids menu, he's got me wearing bloody dresses Ian! I'm not even allowed to visit my friends!" Ian went real silent and wide eyed. I realised I was being too loud suddenly because we both heard Ben move down the hall. I whispered "Why do you think Bens here?" Ian just stared blankly. "What do you thinks going on?" So I finally said "I hate him."
Ian said "Don't say that." But even he was unsure about it.
Ian – "Why don't you tell him then?"
Me – "I have!"
Me – "I'm pregnant." Ian's face did something weird, whatever he was thinking before I said that was completely erased. He stopped staring at his noodles. Then I panicked because he wasn't replying.
Me – "Ian?"... "Ian?" he started nodding.
Ian – "I heard you."
Me – "I need you to help me." He was very intensely thinking with his mouth tightly shut.
Me – "I need you to ring someone."
Ian – "Are you going to get rid of it?" After checking the cost was clear I very subtly nodded. Ian stared at his noodles again.
Ian – "Do you think that's the right thing to do?"
Me – "Yes."
Ian – "Why's that?" I thought he would know why. I waited for him to figure it out but he just watched me instead. It took me a while to say it because I'd never said it out loud.
Me – "I don't want to end up like Mum." 

Eugh. I cringed saying it. Even remembering it. It's like Mum was standing right there listening but it was just Ian and I. Ian scrunched his face up like he was in pain. He started looking everywhere else like I wasn't in the room.

Ian – "Well maybe you should have thought of that earlier." Then he got up and left.

God that killed me. I was so sure he would have my back. I burst into tears when he left. I'm positive everyone heard me but no one came. So self-pity turned into a whole lot of shame. Feels like I've got a whole lot of rope around my lungs and someone's pulling. It got so bad earlier that I tried going outside just to get some fresh air but Ben stepped in. He looked sorry but he pushed me back inside anyway.

The more I think about it the more I realise that I should just fucking run. I should just go far far away. As far away as I can. I don't have much money but I'm sure I can get to at least Palmerston North with what I have. I've been waiting around to tie up loose ends when no one wants them tied. I should just leave. No goodbyes. Just go. No one wants me here anyway.

Oh god.

Now I understand why Mum left.