Phillip

November 12th

I finally saw Mum. Forgot how much of a hoot she is even in dark times like these. Sly gave in for once, I think even he realised the cruelty in keeping me from her. That, and that 

I AM GOD DAMN 18 SO YOU OR CYFS OR ANY OF THESE ASSHOLES CANT STOP ME.
However the lack of money can because I am very poor could not afford the bus. So Baldy brought me. I made him wait outside for private time.

She's in Saint Margret's Resort which is pretty much just a very fancy clinic. Sly got her in there. He reminds of how fancy it is every time I have a go at him.

She was looking very thin and tired but otherwise she was the old goof I knew her to be. I said
- "So where've you been?"
Ma- "Trying to get away from you losers."
Me – "Come on like you could find anyone cooler."
Then we both laughed. Oh Mum. She went quiet for a while. She's not a big talker anyway but I knew she was trying to say something so just waited real patient.
Ma- "I'm real sorry Caz. I don't really know how to say it again. Fuck I don't know. It feels like I'm always saying sorry. Jesus." She shook her head. "No. I mean... god no matter how many times I rehearse this I can never get it out right." I didn't really know how to reply because, don't get me wrong, I am super stoked she's back, but it's hard to forgive when they just keep on doing what they said they wouldn't do.
Ma- "I'm surprised you guys still talk to me. I wouldn't."
Me – "What did you think would happen?"
Ma – "Well your 18 now. You're not kids. I assumed you guys were going to go off to uni and forget about me. I heard what happened though, that's ok you'll be able to catch up over the summer. Thank god for Sylvester. Where the hell did he come from?"
Me- "Eugh, please."
Ma – "What?"

I was going to tell her but then I looked at her hospital bracelet and the holes in her arms and realised she was probably going through a lot worse than what I was. So I just shook my head.

Me – "You were doing the hard stuff." Ma looked at her arms, she rolled her sleeves down. She hasn't done any of that for a long time. She lost her job just after Dad was put away. Ohhh those were some rough times.
Me – "What made you do that?" She stared for ages like it was obvious.
Me – "Dad gets out soon." Ma nodded. I forget that. Dad got four years. I remember doing the calculation when he went in and being chuffed because I would be this old before he came out. I assumed I'd be at a faraway Uni so I didn't have to deal with any of it.
Me – "That's why you left?"
Ma – "We'll he'd come after me first so I thought I could keep him occupied while you guys sorted your study out." I forget how fidgety she gets whenever Dad comes up.
Ma – "He doesn't know I'm in here right?" I watched her pick at her nails. I don't think she realised she was doing it.
Ma – "Please Caz, Ian won't tell me." She was breathing all short as well. I feel very bad but I do get annoyed when she's like this. Mum's paranoia annoys me as much as dad's empty promises. Ma's still way cooler though. I mean she only gets this way when she's coming off the drugs.
Me – "Ian want's you two back together." I reminded her. She scrunched her face up.
Ma – "Ian doesn't understand that love isn't supposed to mean suffering to keep a bloody white picket fence family together!" She kind of whisper shouted it so the nurses wouldn't hear. People still stared though.
Ma – "You're supposed to feel equal." She calmed down a bit. I didn't know what to say.
Ma – "Not like a, like a, a potato!" Mum said. Like the end of a passionate speech. I started laughing.
Ma – "What."
Me – "I didn't realise potatoes were treated so badly." She tried to keep serious which made me laugh harder. Then her frown broke and she started giggling too.
Ma – "You don't get it." She was still laughing. "Potato's, they have rights too." The laughing died down and Ma whispered – "I was going to say piece of shit but if they catch you swearing you have to put a credit in the swear jar."
Me – "Credit?"
Ma – "It's like money, you can use it at the canteen and at the, oh jesus Caz stop it."
Me – "Stop what?"
Ma – "Avoiding the point."
Me – "But I'm so good at it." Ma glared.
Me – "He doesn't know Ma. You've got month at least anyway."

Then she asked about Sly and all that. I left out all the bad parts mostly because there was people around and that's what she would do. She doesn't know I'm pregnant and I think I will keep it that way until I'm completely stuck in this situation. I mean I still have hope right? I'm an adult now. I can make my own choices. I'm sure I have hope. I mean, well, ahhh I want to say more things but Sly is probably reading this.

You – "Oh come on pal, I won't tell."

I don't know buddy. I mean, I have found a sweet new hiding spot for you.

You – "All the more reason."

But, well jes Phillip this is a big risk. I could ruin everything.

You – "You know you want to ;)"

Don't wink at me Phillip, this is no time for lollygagging.

You – "Sorry."

Ok. Ok I'll tell you, dammit Phill I can never say no to you.

Well friend, the thing is I have a plan.

You – "ohhhhh a plan?"

Yes that's right Phillip, a genius plan.

I've been doing some light reading and found out that I can still abort as long as it's under 4 months. If I can do it before then, then I'll be able to do this cup course thingy that starts in January. (I'm going to miss exams so I have to pick up my Uni entrance credits somewhere) that only takes 6 weeks so by the end of it I should be able to start Uni far far away with everyone else.

You – "That's great Caz. But how are you going to abort it?"

Be patient I was getting to it.

Ok. So Sly has a big charity event in Auckland coming up. I don't know when exactly as he's stopped telling me his plans because he thinks I'm schemer where in reality I suck at organisation. But I will try. Baldy will probably stay here and Ma has visiting hours every Tuesday and Thursday which Baldy promised he would take me too. In the resort you can usually visit either in the rec room or Ma's room. Today we meet in the rec room but Ma showed me around her place and in her bedroom is a sliding door to this little garden which connects back to the entrance. So if we can meet in there, Baldy will have to stay in the hallway. I'll tell Mum that I'm trying to sneak off to get a present for baldy and pretend like we are good ol'chums but that he's not allowed to leave me alone so this is the only way I can do it. The visits usually go for an hour but I assume Baldy won't bother us in that time. So this means I have about a 45 minute window of opportunity as the family planning clinic is about a ten minute walk from Ma's resort according to google maps and I know I'll probably run it because I'll be real nervous. The surgery takes ten to thirty minutes which I thought was super quick but apparently as long as the fetus isn't too big they don't have to put you under or anything. They did say to rest for an hour there afterwards for recovery but I don't have that kind of time so I'll get the fuck out of there ASAP. No Greg or hands to hold for me, the less witnesses the better. And once that's done I'll either claim miscarriage or accept I'm the spawn of Satan. Either way I'm sure Sly won't want this sinner anymore.

Oh wait I forgot to tell you. After I missed the abortion the doctor rang me a billion times but Sly had my phone and told her to fuck off. Every message she leaves she says "If Caroline could just give me a call to make sure everything's fine then I can leave you alone but until then I am obliged to keep ringing." Thank god for family planning Doctors. Bless her soul and all the fetus's that died at her hand.

You- "wow."

It's my diary I say what I want.

Anyway I just got to get my hands on a phone and get hold off her. Then I can revert to my biggest drama being whether I like girls or not instead of whether my kids retarded. For now let's stick to one life changing revelation at a time Phillip. One at a time.

*Salutes*