Two Vatos Locos Full of Carnalismo and Inamoratos

Chapter 8: Looks like the Sea Is Trying to Kill Us Again, Guys

"I can't believe that fucking prick," Mikey was cursing, pacing the hotel room. It was two A.M. and Mikey hadn't slept a wink. Neither had Ray. Ryan had tried, but he just kept feeling horribly nauseous and dizzy every time he closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about what happened with Spencer right then. He didn't want to think about it, ever. Ryan planned on pretending that it had never happened, that Spencer had just drifted away, disappearing peacefully from Ryan's life and that they were both content and better off without each other. Ryan didn't want to remember the way Spencer had said Ryan's name like it was a curse.

"How the fuck could he say that?" Mikey kept demanding. "How could he turn his back on you, how could he treat you like that? You're his fucking brother, Ryan, you're the most family he'll ever have!"

"No, I'm not," Ryan sighed. "Linda and the twins. Linda's side of the family. Spencer's own parents. They're all his and they all love him and I'm sure all of them are much happier without me. I'll bet his parents spoke about me with him behind my back for years. They never really liked me. They didn't want Spencer to get hurt by my father." Ryan rolled onto his side and hugged himself, bringing his knees closer to his chest. "I'm a disease."

Ray sat down behind Ryan and rubbed Ryan's side with a gentle hand. "You're not a disease. You're part of this family. I know it might not be as good as what you had with Spencer, but I hope it's enough. We love you, Ryan."

"Mikey already abandoned me because my problems are too much," Ryan said. "It's only a matter of time before he doesn't come back. And then all of you will leave with him."

Ryan saw Mikey flinch with the accusation, and his chest clenched painfully, knowing what he'd said was cruel, but he was too far gone with the depression weighing down on his mind to apologize. "It's not like Gee would let Mikey leave," he continued in a despondent tone. "Gee and Mikey are attached to the hip. So when Mikey leaves, Gerard leaves. And you go with Mikey, and Frank goes with Gerard." He turned his face into the pillow, closing his eyes. "I'm going to lose everyone."

"Fuck," Ryan heard Mikey choked out, sounding pained. "Ryan, I-I'm not going to leave you, I promise. I need you to believe me, Ry. It was a moment of horrible weakness and it was wrong of me. You needed someone and no one else was stepping up. We'd all abandoned you and I felt like utter fucking shit for it. I love you, Ryan. I'm not going to make that same mistake twice. I'm not going to leave you like that. Not ever again."

"Words, words, words," Ryan mumbled. "It's the thought that counts, and the actions that make it true."

"Ryan," Ray sighed. "Stop. Mikey's your friend, you know he's not gonna do that. The first time was a mistake. He's not gonna do it again, you know he means it."

Ryan scooted away from Ray's hand and pulled the blanket up and over his head.

"I'm sorry, Ryan," he heard Mikey whimper.

"Come on," Ray murmured. Ryan heard the swish of moving fabric, then the creak of the other bed. He hoped they were going to sleep. And he hoped he didn't fall asleep.

. . .

"You left," Brendon said with a shaking voice, but an angry expression. "You promised to never do that. You promised you wouldn't leave me, but you just did! You're a liar. You're the same as all of them!"

"I'm not real," Ryan said, watching Brendon with an empty gaze. "I'm not real. So I can't make mistakes like that. I'm not real, so the promises don't matter. I'm not real, so I never made those promises in the first place." He smiled and it was broken. "I'm not real, Brendon. Stop talking about the things I do like I am."

Brendon took a step back, something flashing through his eyes that Ryan couldn't name. "You lied to me," the boy continued to say, though his voice was strained with some sort of emotion. "You lied to me. They always lie to me."