Two Vatos Locos Full of Carnalismo and Inamoratos

Chapter 10: Here's Your Future, Use It Wisely

"I don't want to get married with these memories," Frank told Ryan once they got home.

Ryan nodded and understood. Pete and Patrick crashed at their place and everyone went to bed early and slept for almost two days straight, comatose. Brendon didn't talk to Ryan, but he did hold Ryan while he cried everything out of himself. That meant more to Ryan than he could ever say with words.

. . .

"It's crazy," Patrick was telling Ryan at one in the morning. Brendon hadn't slept yet. Ryan was too drained to be really worried, like he should have been. "Jesus," Patrick murmured. "I don't get it. Life and shit. Killing people. The best people die in the worst ways."

"Didn't some kid explain it as God wanting the best people back?" Ryan sighed. He and Patrick were sitting in the kitchen, drinking. Ryan was on his fourth beer and Patrick was on his third. They both felt like drinking everything away. Patrick and Ryan didn't really know each other all that well. Patrick had gone to a different high school and Ryan had only ever seen him with Pete around, and whenever you went out with Pete, all attention would be on him, and never you. Not because he was an attention whore or anything, he was just one of the most captivating people ever. You couldn't help but stare and watch what he did. Ryan hadn't ever been alone with Patrick before. The alcohol made it easier.

"I think this is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen the world do," Patrick said.

Ryan paused when he had a revelation. "It's not the world," he sighed. "It's people. People are the ones destroying everything good in the world. The forests, the air, the deterioration of moral norms. I mean, there are certain things that have stayed the same, like sex and drugs and rebellion through the various stages of life. But I've talked about this with Josh. It's people killing people."

"People suck," Patrick huffed. "They should just kill themselves instead."

"That's harsh," Ryan told him.

"And you're going to sit here and tell me that you'd rather have that fucking murdering thief piece of shit alive and not William and Gabe?" Patrick sneered, then took a swallow of his beer. "You know that that is bullshit. We want them back. I'd kill to have them back."

"And you'd be no better than them," Ryan said. "Because while William and Gabe are important to us, seven billion lives are seven billion times more important than just one, and you passed math, so I know you understand that. You think that Gabe and William are more important, but they're only more important to a few people. But there are billions of lives out there, with a billion more William and Gabe's, and they're all more important to someone else than everyone else, so you're throwing away away seven billion people that are more important to other people."

"But there was only one William and one Gabe," Patrick murmured. "And they were killed and driven to suicide. And Gabe's Catholic, he's not going to heaven now, Ryan. He's gonna be in hell."

"I don't want to think about it," Ryan choked out.

"Why not?" Patrick asked, almost interrogative. "It's life, Ryan. It's the way it fucking works.You can't just deny something because you don't like it. You can't just keep your head in the sand. People die and Brendon's not gonna want to be with you."

Ryan stared at him.

Patrick shrugged.

"Fuck you for saying that," Ryan whimpered. "B-Brendon is going through some really hard stuff and he's trying to be loved. He, he's just a kid. He doesn't know what he's doing."

"He's done with you," Patrick said. "He'll never want you. I'm sorry."

Ryan's hands were shaking. "I know you think you're helping," he said carefully, not daring to meet Patrick's eyes. "But I need you to stop."