TBS Imagines

Newt's Limp💜

Newt's limp.

That story.

The story haunted me.

As I grew more and more depressed, no one knew. I was SO GOOD at seeming happy, no one knew how alone I was. I could feel it coming. I could feel the wanting to end it. I'd heard Newt tell me a million times. He'd cut - a LOT - until he'd decided to end it. Just like me.

They all just thought I was shy. That I didn't like company. I was way "too happy to be depressed or sad." No one heard my sobs at night, as far out in the woods as I went. No one knew that I collapsed in my cot at night not because of exhaustion of the day but from over working myself in hiding my emotions and just the plain energy suck of depression.

With that same exhaustion dragging at me, I tumbled into the woods again now, finally falling to my knees when I got to the tree I usually stopped at. I breathed heavily and sobbed. Today was another day they came with nothing new. Today was another day with wolf whistles and searching stares. Today was another day I didn't remember anything. Another day I sat and scrubbed toilets and showers. Another day I ate food that I just threw up after. Another day looking in the mirror and hating everything. Another day being confused and not understanding anything. Another day being the outcast because I haven't made friends or know any inside jokes.

Another day in Hell.

I slipped the blade out of my boot and took it to my skin. I steadied it, looking at the other marks. I'd had to take off my long sleeve and sat now in my bra. My arms were all kinds of marked up. Scarred. I found an empty spot and dragged the blade across. New red lines formed as I thought of all the things I'd fought myself about.

Ugly.

Stupid.

Shy.

Shy? No. I threw the blade in rage and brought my knees to my chest. Five new lines. My shoulders shook and I fell to my side, laying in a fetal position. "Kill me," I whispered, looking at the sky. I think I was praying. I looked at the stars and whispered it again and again. Was I praying? To who? God? WICKD? "Kill me. Please please please. Kill me." I sobbed, the words tearing through my throat.

The emotional wreckage went on for hours. I stood up shakily as the sun ross, pulling my shirt back on. I had the usual urge to run into the maze and stay there until the doors close. Wait in the open until the Grievers came for me. But I couldn't do that right now. I'd be found if I left right now. I knew I wouldn't do it later. I'd be strong later. Those moments of strength kept me alive.

I used the time coming out of the woods to collect myself. Once out I buried it all in my box and put a small smile on my lips and a bounce in my step. Always happy. I could never frown or be gone too long. If I was, they'd have reason to doubt me being happy. The questions would start and I don't want to lie any more than I do.

Not like they'd care. But I did it because I didn't want them thinking I was weak. For any reason.

Job time. I was Slopper and went to report now to the Keeper to get my job. Once I did that, I headed out to clean. I cleaned a lot. I'd gotten bathroom duty again. I hadn't totally finished yesterday and I had bathroom duty this week. I hummed as I scrubbed.

Whistle while you work, right? I smiled, knowing it was reference to something I couldn't remember from my past. My past... My smile faltered.

Suddenly, it all got to me. The lack of sleep and the fresh cuts that rubbed rough against my shirt. He stress and anxiety and the messy state I was in that no one had noticed. I found that, for the first time, I couldn't keep it in anymore. I bit down on my shirt as I sobbed, pulling my knees to my chest like I would in the woods. I sat and sobbed for hours. It was overwhelming. I hadn't had my usual time to collect myself like I did. I'd sat in the woods too long.