Day 7: HOW CAN I?
First session ko sa therapy. And honestly, I’m scared. But my family is there, they know that I need them, Luke is also with them.
Bago ako pumasok sa room na ‘to, I saw my mom in tears. I don’t like to see her like that. At nang mahagip ng mga mata ko si Luke, nginitian nya lang ako and mouthed the word, ‘you can do it’. Am I lucky? Having these people around me, supporting and cheering me up, everytime I need one? Maybe I am. That’s why I have this courage in me. Though I have this little chance to live, I’ll grab it. Just to make them happy.
Just to be with them.
Nakita ko naman na pumasok na ang mga nurse at ang doctor ng pamilya namin, the one who told us the percent thingy for me to live.
“Are you ready?” he asked
I just nodded for an answer.
Maya-maya ay may nakikita na ‘kong mga bagay na ngayon ko lang nakita sa tana ng buhay ko. ‘Yan siguro ang mga gagamitin sa therapy ko. I’ve heard that it is painful. But, I don’t care. All I want is to live longer with my family.
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Unti-unti nilang ikinabit sa’kin ang isang malaking karayom. It hurts, really. But I’m not letting them see that I am hurting. I won’t let them see the pain in me. Because I know that outside this room, there’s my family waiting for me. Watching me, behind those translucent windows.
Nararamdaman kong parang puputok ang ugat ko dahil sa paghigop or ewan ko kung anong ginagawa sa dugo ko ng makinang nakakabit sa’kin.
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“Vanessa, are you ok?” Si Mom.
“Yes, mom. It’s just that, I-I can’t feel my body. Para akong lantang gulay, and I hate it.” I said
“Hush, baby. Ganyan daw talaga yan. Pero, anak, sana kayanin mo. please? Ayoko nang mawala ka pa sakin. You don’t how it feel. I feel like I’m incomplete, when your kuya left us, I feel like dying. I can’t bear to lose another child again, Vanessa.” She’s crying again. I really hate this situation. I can’t do anything. I can’t even hug her.
“Mom, don’t cry. I’ll be okay. I won’t leave you. I also can’t bear seeing you like that. So please, stop crying. Just for me, please be strong.”
“I love you, Vanessa. Do not forget that okay?”
“I am not dying, ok? I’m just on a therapy. So please stop crying. It feels like I’m going to die soon.”
“No, baby. I’m sorry. I just can’t—“
“Mom.”
“Okay.”Pagsuko nya.
“Better.”And I flashed a sweet smile to her.
“Tita, pinapasabi po ni Tito James na umuwi daw po muna kayo.”
“Ah Luke, Andyan ka na pala. Paano si Van—“
“I’ll take care of her. ^_^”
“Thank you, Luke. Take good care of her. Ok?”
“Yes, Tita. I will!”
And with that. My mom left. And this guy look at me, with a teasing smile. Oh geez. Imbes na kamustahin nya ‘ko, mukhang aasarin nya pa ‘ko.
“what’s with the smile?” I asked.
“Susunod ka din pala sa’kin eh.” at hindi pa din nawawala ang nakakalokong ngiti nya -_-
“What?”
“kung hindi pala ako ang magsasabi, hindi mo gagawin. Still the old Vanessa ah? Stubborn !”
“Shut up! I am not!” I protested.
“Really? So bakit, kailangan mo pang hintayin ang pagdating ko para lang magpa-chemo?hmm?”
“Jerk.”Bulong ko na lang. still the old Vanessa daw. Psh
“I’ve heard that. Look, I am now a pastor and yet you still call me jerk? Why is that?”
“Ha!! A jerk will always be a jerk.”
“But I’ve never been a jerk.” That smile.. sana lang makita ko pa ng matagal ang mga ngiti nyang yan.
“What’s with the sad face?”sad face??
“I am not sad!”
“I know you are. You’re worried, right?” he asked. I just give him a nod for an answer.
“Don’t be.” He comes closer to me and holds my hand.
“I said I’ll be here. I won’t leave you. I’ve promised you that.”
“I know, but what if—“
“Hush, no ‘buts’, no ‘what ifs’ ok?”
“I can’t promise you that.”
“You have to.”he said. I can say that he really loves me. Nag-pastor sya, just to fulfill my wish. Siguro kung hindi sya dumating. I won’t be here. I won’t be able to take those painful needles.
“Thank you.” I just said.
“Not me, Vanessa. Not me.” And he flashed his sweetest smile. Oh, how I love that smile of him.
“Then, who else?” I asked.
“I know that you know, who I’m referring to.” yeah. Great! Their so-called God.
“Why should I? It’s you who convinced me to do this.” Again, I protested.
“I don’t want to have fight with you again, Vanessa. You’re old enough to know what’s right or wrong. If you’ll keep on doing that, I can’t promise to be with you…forever.” I can see sadness in his eyes. And I’m sure, he’s serious about that.
Natulala na lang ako sa sinabi nya. He walked out the door. I know it’s hard for him, being a pastor, to be with me. To be with the one who hates the God he’s serving. But what can I do? I just hate that God of him.
I want to be with him. Bata pa lang ako, sya na ang gusto kong makasama habang buhay. But how can I live with the guy who loves the one I hate the most?
I don’t want to lose him..again :((
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