Who I really am.

Chapter1

I took a deep breath before cutting another piece of my shoulder length black hair. It's like my hair becomes shorter and shorter each time I take a shower. Because it does. I can't wait until it's short. I unwrapped my bandage around my chest who almost made me unable to breathe properly. The bandage dropped to the floor and the cold air made goosebumps cover my naked chest. I looked at myself in the mirror. My bleeding arm and feminine looking body. I looked disgusting. A long sour red line could be seen under my boobs. I started the sink and washed the bloody scissor under the cold water. I hoped in the shower and turned it on. The hot water relaxed my tense body. I grimaced when the hot water hit the new made open wounds on my arm.
"Fuck." I hissed.
It was Monday tomorrow and Monday means school. School means hell. Tears burned in my eyes again. I let them escape my eyes and pour down on my cheeks. Tears from knowing that I had to go to school and get bullied and fight for my future. The fear that I had to be misgendered wherever I go. I even cried because I regretted that I had just cut myself again. It felt so right when I did it but cried when I had understood that I had actually cut my skin open.

I stepped out of the shower and dried my body off with a towel. I dressed myself in a big shirt, black shorts that reach down to my knees and tip toed into my room. It was in the middle of the night so my room was pitch black. When my eyes had gotten used to the dark I walked up to my nightstand. I searched with my hands to find my little white jar of sleeping pills. Without them I would never be able to sleep. I poured two pills on my lap, threw them in my mouth and swallowed them without water. With a big yawn I crawled up in my bed. I pulled the bed covers over my body, rested my head on the pillow and closed my eyes. The pills made my head cloudy and sort of pushed away the horrible thoughts. A sleep covered my body and I fell into a deep slumber in just a couple of seconds.

My alarm clock woke me up. I growled into my pillow and my hand searched to find the alarm clock. In that moment I just wanted to press snooze and kept sleeping but I had already snoozed one time. Mom would kill me if I was late to school. My hand stopped searching when the alarm clock became silent. I yawned big and raised my head. I forced my eyelids to open. Slowly and in a lazy style I crawled out of the bed. With a loud bang I now found myself with my ass hon the floor.
"Aow." I silently squealed.
I stood up on my feet and walked over to my wardrobe. I picked out a black shirt with a big Skelton head on, black ripped skinny jeans and a hoodie to cover my arms with. I undressed myself out of my old t shirt. My eyes focused on my mirror reflection. Disgusting. I grabbed my bandage on my desk and tightly wrapped it around my chest so my breathing almost was uncontrollable. All for the flat chest. I dressed myself in my clothes, out on my eyeliner and fixed my hair with some hairspray.
A smell of new made pancakes filled the house when I stepped out of my house. I followed the smell into the kitchen. My eyes focused on my dad at the stove making the pancakes. Mom ran stressed across the room while she tied her hair up in a ponytail.
"Good morning Natalie. Eat some breakfast before Kylie knocks on the door." Mom said and brushed the blonde ponytail.
My head told me to not answer the sentence involving the name from hell. I just wanted to scream that my real name is Nathan and I'm a boy! But I couldn't. If I had done that, I wouldn't have a family nor a house. So I didn't answer. I just sat down on the table and took a bite from my food.
"Good morning fuckers!" My older brother yelled while he grabbed a plate with food and sat down next to me.
"Language Liam." Mom muttered.
She looked herself in the kitchen mirror while gently brushing the mascara brush over her eyelashes. Liam chuckled and pushed me in the side with his shoulder.
"You look so freaking depressed all the time Emo. No boys interested in you?"
I snorted while I drank from my glass of water.
"Fuck off." I murmured.
A knock on the door interrupted our conversation. Mom ran to the door and opened it.
"Kylie is here now Natalie!"
I stood up and placed my plates in the dishwasher. I strolled over to the door. My eyes met the blonde girly girl standing in the hall. Kylie and I have been friends since freshman year. Well we are the opposite to each other. I'm a boy (well even though she doesn't know that) and she's a girl. She's dressed like the typical girly fashion girl. I'm Emo. She's happy. I'm depressed. As you may understand Kylie is that girly girl who likes make up, fashion and the jock boys in our school. I like boys too but not those jocks. Ugh.