The Aftermath Of You

Chapter Forty Four

The sunlight outside the hairdressers was shining and glinting on Toni's hair as she swirled this way and that to get one last look of her awful Barney hair do in the window. Then she hobbled inside, blowing her nose furiously on a ragged old handkerchief.

"Oh Toni Handcock!" the petite hairdresser squawked, her scissors hanging limply in her hand as she stared in horror. "What's happened to you?"

Well, Toni thought, I could ask you the same question. The squawky hairdresser came up to Toni's chin and had black and blonde chunky streaks which stood up on end like a hedgehog. They were so long they could have taken Toni's eye out.

"Oh it's horrific!" the hairdresser cried, while rummaging through Toni's hair like a chimpanzee looking for lice. "Who did this to you?"

"The hairdresser down the street."

"Ooh." The woman smiled in satisfaction. "Well, there's not much we can do. We might never bleach all the colour out, and if you want it dyed back to your natural tone then it may go a wee bit green."

"That's okay. I want it to be the colour of plums."

So that was the hair. Now for the chakras. The tiny office she'd been directed to was jam-packed with candles and incense sticks burning happily. On the counter was a copy of "Reiki for Dummies". Gazing around the room, Toni's eyes came in contact with the small selection of umbrellas for sale. Absolutely horrendous, vile-looking umbrellas. Toni's breath caught in her throat and she wondered if she could back out quickly enough.

"Welcome," a voice behind her said.

Toni caught sight of the Reiki Master, swaddled in silk robes and walking in an awkward fashion towards her. "Sophie."

"Hello, Toni!" Sophie said, visibly shocked. "I wasn't expecting you."

"What are you doing here?"

"It's my first day on the job. We bought the business. I've had to give up my dream of designer umbrellas, so now it's all I have. I'm selling off the last of my stock."

"Have you thought about re-branding? It's what all of these companies do nowadays. If they can't sell something they re-brand it and it really works. I'm looking at those umbrellas and I'm thinking ... parasols."

Sophie stared at Toni. "I never even thought of that!"

Once she had recovered from her awe Sophie led Toni into a smaller room. "Lay down here on your back." Burying her head into her copy of Reiki for Dummies, Sophie said, "Sorry, you'll have to bear with me. You're my first client. So now I'm going to wave my hands above you like this." Sophie began waving her hands avidly. "And you are to close your eyes and imagine that your body is empty. Then imagine that a blue light is entering your head and filling up your body from your toes upwards."

"Does it have to be my head? Maybe it could be my hand, or even my foot?"

"Hang on a second." Hands halted in mid air, Sophie flicked to the index, muttering under her breath. After a while she gave up. "It doesn't say anything, so I guess you could imagine the blue light entering your hand."

"Which one?"

More muttering and page turning. "Whichever you like."

"I'm sorry for ignoring you for so long," Toni said after fifteen minutes of Sophie waving the air above her. "I've been in a spot of denial."

Sophie stopped waving to clasp one of Toni's hands. "That's fine. Oh, it's so fine. I was really upset at first; I thought it might have been something I said. I can't even begin to understand how you must feel."

That was true, of course. But how could she blame everyone who couldn't imagine that? "So how have you been?"

"We've got two children, Toni. And a pet dog."

"Three family members I haven't met yet."

Disappointment flooded through her. Three and a half years was a lot of time to go missing. There were things she could never get back: birthday parties, babies, pregnancies ... "How's Bob?"

"Same old. Oh, he heard through the grapevine that the prick who fired Jack has been made redundant. His contract wasn't renewed."

Toni sat up abruptly, connecting with Sophie's waving arms. "Who fired Jack?"

"The CEO. Didn't you hear? The day before he – well ..."

"Committed suicide."

Toni choked on the words. So was that it? He'd been fired! Had it tipped him over the edge? Why couldn't he have just got a job in a fast food chain like everyone else? As her anger ebbed, sadness swallowed her whole. Poor Jack. Poor, poor Jack. She could remember the times they'd gone to parties and by the end of the night he'd cornered someone into listening to him spout on about the virtues of saving money, of never spending too much. Jack was a little boy who'd lived frugally, and upon making money he'd become dependent on it. That was how he judged himself. Money in the bank. The more he had, the better the person he thought he was.

"How did he get fired?" Toni asked finally.

Sophie shifted uncomfortably. "He, um ..." She cleared her throat. "Well, apparently he was taking money somehow, some kind of fraudulent fundraiser. But I don't know, could've been a load of codswollop. Jack didn't really get on with the guy much." After a few more minutes Sophie said, "Well that's it. How do you feel?"

"I feel really light," Toni marvelled. "Like a load has been lifted off my shoulders."

"Now your chakras are aligned," Sophie said smugly.

Toni couldn't decide if it was her chakras or their conversation, but she really did feel much, much better.

When Toni got home in all of her bright red glory, she stared in the mirror in confusion. It could have been a lovely colour, as it made her blue eyes twinkle like gems ... but it also accentuated the red skin under her nose from her constant crying. And the sniffle had become permanent; scaly skin had started to cover a larger area. Pulling off little bits of loo paper she stuck them secretly up her nose. Of course it wasn't that secret. She could see the tissues poking out if she lifted her head up. But Toni didn't necessarily have to look up.

Danny stood in front of me, his blond curls like rays of sunlight from where the bedroom lamp lit them on fire.

"Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O, and on that farm there was a ..." Quick glance around room for any inspiration ... "Hippo, EIEIO." I'd been singing lullabies most of the night to keep Jayden from crying.

Danny hadn't said a word to me, sitting on the rocking chair in the corner of the room. He didn't need to – it was all there in his eyes. I could read the expression that was etched into his face. I could see the possibility of love, the tentative hope and the way he was determined to protect me from myself, but I had to turn myself away. In my head I could hear Granny Smith repeating, "Find an ugly one, they won't get away!" Before, this saying had induced raucous laughter, but since Jack's death I hung grimly to it, like a drowning man clings to a branch.

"Toni," Danny whispered through the thick veil of night. "I need to tell you-"

"No!" I choked. "Sssh. I'm busy."

"I need to tell you ..." He tried again, hoping that if he continued I would hear reason.

But instead I sang louder and louder in a crazed voice. "OLD MCDONALD HAD A FARM EIEIO ... AND ON THAT FARM HE HAD A DRAGON ... EIEIO."

Danny relented and walked from the room. My body was instantly filled with regret. I was so lonely and lost; why couldn't I have a chance at happiness too? And preferably happiness with someone like Danny ... someone who looked like they'd just walked out of a modelling agency with a shaving cream advert under their belt.

Months went past, and then years. And even though I moved and functioned, I was already dead. The day that Jack had made the decision to take his own life, he'd decided to take mine with him.