Afraid to Feel

Chapter 17: "It's all tears"

When Manna found her, Elina had looked for refuge in her old room.

It had been many months since she had been allowed to go to her old bedroom, and Elina missed the perverse lie of safety it made her feel. It had only been a couple of hours since she got there, but so far no one had come to throw her out of the fake haven. She knew Juuso stood at the door; he had been the one to carry her out of the dungeons. It was his arms she had pushed away when she thought of seeking the solace of her old room. Other than him, no one else bothered her. She was alone to cry herself back to sanity, and to try to reach a level of understanding after witnessing the evil of the Rockstar Ritual.

Just thinking about it brought tears to her face. It had been an act like she had never imagined it would be. Back home she had read a couple of news articles about the Rockstar Ritual but they hadn't gotten it right. The writers had painted in a way that it actually had seemed cool to her, in an 'it's obviously fantasy' kind of way. The reality of it and the brutality she had witness left her destroyed. To think that maybe, all the rock bands and their members might have committed the ritual in some point in their career was frightening. Only seeing it had damaged her, she couldn't imagine actually wanting to do such a horrible thing. However, it wasn't the act that hurt her more. Yes, it was downright evil in its nature. Every step was an insult to humanity and rational thought. All if it was enough to drive anyone far beyond the reach of sanity, but that was not what was worst.

Elina was hurt beyond repair by the fact that it had been Ville the one to make such a horrifying act, and forced her to witness it. All the naive dreams she had allowed herself to have about her favorite singer's had been shattered when she saw him in the office that very first day in the Mansion, but after that night of manslaughter, Elina couldn't even begin fathom how she could ever see him in any other light. Even less if she would still be forced to be with him.

Ville had done atrocious things to her, yes, but they had been things that she could stride past in order to survive. She had survived well up until her failed escape. After the Rockstar Ritual that was not true. After that act, she hadn't the slightest idea as to how she could continue living in the Mansion and under Ville, now that he had allowed her to live. The thought of death and even suicide had been sweet to her before, when she thought one was to be her future, but now it went back to being a hideous inhumane though. The ritual had been her punishment, and it involved only death, yet it had made her feel more alive than ever. Maybe it was the fear of death that had driven away the thoughts of suicide.

Elina heard the door to her room open, and when she saw Manna's head poking in, it had her remember her first night in the Mansion. Manna had gone to her then as well, offering words of comfort and reason to a spooked child. She had offered understanding and a hand to hold, as the young woman was forced to enter a world she had never known existed. To Elina, it felt like that had been a hundred fifty years ago, but it wasn't. It had only been a solid year.

It was nerve-racking to even begin to think, that she had been already a year in the Mansion. One year. A year since Tommy had died. A year since her father had been left a bloody mess in his front yard. A year since she had been kidnapped. A year since Ville had made her his. Only a year, but to Elina, it felt like an eternity.

Manna was carefully when she approach the defeated doll that had become of Elina. The room was dark; the curtains on the windows were pulled tightly to keep out the morning rays of light. The woman sat next to Elina, who was sitting on the floor by the foot of her old bed.

Without a word, Manna put her arms over her shoulders to hold close, an act of such sister love that it made Elina start crying all over again. It was hard to believe that she still had tears to shed. She could feel Manna's good will wash over her, and at first she allowed that to soothe her pain. All she had done since they met was soothe her. Elina knew that Manna was only taking care of her because Ville made her do so. She liked to think that the older woman was there purely out of friendship and not duty, but she knew that wasn't the case. Regardless of the relationship they had developed in the year Elina had been in the Mansion, Manna was still one of them.