Fade To Black (#wattys2016)

Chapter Two

Three years later
Now I'm crying silently again. This time it's because the 15 years of my mothers memories I have came flooding back and I don't know what to do.
The loneliness is toxic, absolutely toxic. You never know when it's going to strike. Once you feel that, that's it, you're gone to a place nobody can help you, a place where nothing exist, a place where there's no being alive. You have dug a hole so deep the darkness comes rushing in, suicidal darkness. It hurts, it hurts so badly.
My father has found another girl. Another girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with. It only took him three years for him to find happiness again.
But for me. I have nothing. I don't have happiness or sadness. I'm just numb. It's frightening how numb I feel.
Numb to the pain of the past. Numb to the pain of the present. And numb to the pain of the future.
At school every little comment people say to me, just makes everything worse. My 2 friends make things better. They feel the void in my chest from the loss and the words.
I'm happy with them. I feel like I'm on top of the world. The queen of the castle.
But late at night when my dads a sleep and my friends are home with their families. While I'm in my room lying in the darkness. The only source of light is the moon reflecting in from my window.
I cry. I let all my emotions out. I cry from my loneliness, I cry from the pain of the words people call me.
I cry until I can't cry any more. I cry until my eye lids drop and I fall a sleep.

Next Week
"You were in my dream last night. Except it was different this time. I no longer wept at your presence but I found closure with in your words.
You spoke, you told me it was time to let go and so I did. You were happy for me and the moment was surreal.
Whether you had control or not will forever remain a mystery but this was the closure that I needed.
"As promised a part of me will forever love you and what we had but thank you. I needed this. I'm gradually moving on now. I still got waves of missing you and there pretty bad if I say so myself." I say chuckling.
" The words people say really hurt. I have to go back to school in a few weeks. Im in 12th grade now. Im getting old. But, going back to school means I have to go back to those hurtful people.
But Alice, Madison, and I will get through this together. Things are rough right now, dad found someone else to love. I don't really like her. She's a bitch. I want her gone, but after school I'm moving out so I won't have to deal with her. I'm hoping I can be in a band. You know I love drumming. I really want to be a drummer for a band. A girl can only dream.
"I miss you, mom. I miss your laugh. I miss you always being around. I want you back. I want you back so fucking bad, mom. I love you, goodbye."
And with trembling hands and teary eyes, I got up from my mothers grave saying my last goodbye.
I walk to my car, holding back my tears. I drove to my house and walked to front door, thank fully my dad and that bitch wasn't there.
So I walked up to my room. I lay on my bed and just stare at my ceiling. The day went on just as did every other day and the hours ticked by as the shades of the sky grew darker.
But my heart still yearns for my mother. Three years later and I still stay up at night. Her smile and laughter etched in my mind, wondering where she is and what she is doing.
I smile through the tears, to myself thinking of the memories with her.
I still love her.
And I always will.