The Broken Boy (AMANDA)

When He Stood By Me

I get to school. I'm flooded with hugs and "Where were you?!"s. In the crowd my eyes are drawn to Albert. His head laid on his backpack, his eyes red I'm assuming from tears. "You okay?" He nods no. "What's up?" "What happened to you?" "I asked you first." "My parents finalized the divorce and Serena broke up with me." "Oh Albert..." "Life sucks." "Yeah I know..." I hug him and a piece of a cookie Celine's friend Feli made me. "Do you want to talk about it." "No. What happened to you? All Riley told us is that you hurt your foot." "I broke my foot doing a trick onstage for the showcase." "Oh #%?!. Was it worse than when I fell down the stairs?" "Yeah... But at least It didn't knock the intelligence out of me." "Haha... HEY!"
    I've missed so much the past few days. Everything's just happening all at once. First Riley then Albert. I'm scared to take on the rest of this day.
      I walk in to history and I am immediately engulfed in a hug filled with tears of agony. "Hey hey hey what happen?!" "I didn't get accepted." Celine put in an application to a performing arts school in London in pursuit to start up a career. "IM WORTHLESS! IM NOTHING BUT A DISAPPOINTMENT! THEY WERE RIGHT!" "HEY SHUT UP!!! If they don't want you it's their loss okay. You are freaking amazing! I mean ask any one of your friends. You can rub it in their snooty rich faces when you're the face of Broadway!" She nods and walks away. Slumped in her seat I can the tension in her body. Hands in fists ready to sock anyone in her way, eyes as red as blood, and writing all over her hand. I try to get her attention but her gaze is somewhere so far in the distance, that I couldn't tell if she was in a trace or simply half way to the sky.
     This kills me. Draw away the pain what can I say. May, flowers, Hunger Games, Paramore, MCR, my escape.
     It's only twenty minutes into class and I can't take it anymore. I run to the bathroom and explode. "WHY!!! THERE'S NEVER GONNA BE AN END!!! HUH?! FIRST YOU TAKE MY FRIEND'S LIFE. NOW YOU TAKE MY SANITY! IN WHAT WAY DID ANY OF US DESERVE THIS?!?! PLEASE TELL ME CAUSE I CERTAINLY DON'T KNOW!"
     I'm so stupid. I have no right to be depressed or sad. My life is fine. The fact I burden others with my invisible or non-existing problems. What kind of person am I?! I mean really?! All you have to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do.
    I sit on the toilet and kicking the wall until the bell rings. Come on idiot take on the day. Move along and carry on.
    I clean my face and put on some mascara, water proof of course, at the rate today's going I'm going to need it. Smile don't drive yourself insane. Song lyrics calm me.
    I'm late to second period and what do you know... A detention... Love you Mr Maley! Grrrr...
At this point I honestly don't care. Nothing matters.
    The next two periods are a drab filled with unbearable moodiness and dread. Non-stop thoughts. It began to consume me, to the point where I couldn't even think straight. My pens about to run out of ink and my hand is running out of skin. I want to see Riley.
    Riley won't think I'm stupid or inane. But wait... I don't want to worry him. I mean he has so much to worry about already. I just need warmth. Simply a hug could melt an Antarctic iceberg. I just wish I could change things. Make life a little easier. Such good people. Bad situations. I really don't understand. It's almost illogical.
     "You okay?" I didn't realize that I was staring at the ground. Everyone else was talking and being sociable. I look up to Sean, Albert, and Celine. "Yeah, I'm just... Tired." Everyone nods but Celine. She knew. She always knows. We freaking share a conscience. "Yeah... Tired... That's why you were screaming in the bathroom and kicking the trash can... You must be one tired arse." "I've had a long day." "Yeah, how?" "It just has." Tears were building in my eyes. They don't need more. They have enough to worry about. "Good try Baka. I'll talk to you after class." I look at the boys and flashed an exasperated smile. Albert hugs me and puts his head on my shoulder. The bell rings. Let the torture begin.
      I wear a sweatshirt I left in my locker over my PE shirt even though it's like ninety degrees out here. I need to hide my hands and my feelings. We're playing basketball... Oh fun... Of course this makes Albert's day, but this is only bad news for me.
*ten minutes later *

   Stars. Pink, blue, yellow, ew orange. I hear music. Sweet, sweet music. "She paints her fingers with a close precision. He starts to notice empty bottles of gin. And takes a moment to assess the sins she's paid for" Serenity. Peace. Empty.
   "Amanda! Amanda!" I open my eyes. The world still spins but I can make out a few figures. Celine. Albert. MC. Sean. Kayla. Mr. Marin. It starts to fade away and flashes back quickly. This makes me uneasy. Albert and Matt pick me up and hand me my crutches. My senses start to come back. "You okay? You were out for a few minutes. Do you want to see the nurse?" "No I'm fine just a shook up." Mr Martin walks away. I burst into tears. Everyone stares at me. This is sixth grade all over again. I used to be an awesome guard. Pure aggression. I scared the living heck out of all the guys. Until I got knocked into a wall and messed up my knee twice. The second time this happened I got so mad and kicked the wall and ran to bathroom balling. Anytime I cry everything bubbles to the surface. I still have a scar. Now I have a new one.
    Kayla squeezes me. "Are you sure you don't want to go?" "No..." That's a lie. It's like asking someone if they're okay. What are you going to say; no? "I'm just going to sit for a minute."
    I sit on the sidelines with Celine and Sean. "So what happened?" They look at each other. "Well, you were standing by the net..." "Then you turned around to talk to Matt... And they threw it at your head." "You were out!" "Oh my God. Glad I don't remember that. How embarrassing. Now you know why I don't play sports."
     I stood there in silence trying to take in what happened today. First I screamed wind thinking I could change reality. Second. Acted like a sheer idiot by moping around. Third passes out from getting hit with a basketball... Well that basically sums me up.
     The bell rings and I decided not to change back into my street clothes. My heads spinning and want to hurry to math.
     "Hey wait up!" Celine comes running after me. I ditched Celine and Albert. I needed some time alone. "Hey..." "What the heck happened?" "What do you mean you saw it happen Grass." "You know what I mean." "Oh... I guess I'm just a tad overwhelmed..." "Yeah just a tad... You don't need to worry about me." "Yeah I do it's you who doesn't need to worry about me." "Nobody needs to worry about me." She walks away and I just stop. I began to feel nauseous. My heads starts spinning again. The bells about to ring. I hurry to class.
     I burst in the door just as the bell rings. "You're late." "Yeah, I know." I slump in my seat. Riley looks over at me. I could tell by the look in his deep brown eyes that he knew something was wrong. He mouths, "Are you okay?" There's the question... The question with one answer. "Yeah..." He gets up and sits in the desk next to me, and holds out his hand. I can't resist his cute request. Our fingers interlock and my heart melts. Then clarity struck like lightning. It screamed in my head. DON'T GIVE HIM MORE TO WORRY ABOUT! Stay strong for him. I let go and wipe my eyes.
    He looks at me with dismay. He looked hurt. I flashed a half smile and looked down. Draw. Just draw. Flowers, lyrics, whatever it takes.
    The bell rings just before my hand was filled with ink and blood. My fingers were ripped to shreds, another bad mechanism, and song lyrics from nail to elbow. "What happened babe? You got me worried." Riley kisses me on the forehead. My heart aches to empty all the feelings I held back. "Haha got knocked out with a basket ball..." "Are you okay?! Let's go to the nurse right now!" "Ry, I'm fine, just a little head ache that's all. Don't worry, okay?" "Fine, but if you need anything text me." "Okay."
    I do still feel a little dizzy. Maybe I should go... No! As I headed to science I began to get nauseous. I run to the trash can and throw up. "Woah! Amanda are you okay?!" Austin ran up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Just a little concussion sickness that's all." "Concussion?" "Yeah it's not a big deal." "Are you sure? You don't look so good." "AUSTIN IM FINE!" I didn't realize how loud I was talking. He backed away hurt. My head was spinning. Crutches and low depth perception don't mix. By the time I finally reached science my knees were numb from all the failed attempts of moving straight. I crash into my chair and pop at least 4 mints. I passed out probably half way through the period. I woke up to a stack of papers nearly placed by my head. I look back and Austin looks at me concerned. He's been covering for me. A few months ago I wouldn't eat and he put up a massive fight. So I threw my chips at him and punched him. The bell rang and I clumsily make my way to the tables. Fatigue is starting to take over. I reached the table and fell into Riley's arms. "Amanda! Babe you're pale and you feel warm." He feels my forehead. "Ry I'm fine!" It goes black again. It came in flashes. From sitting up, to Riley's arms, to the office, to the car and then once again in a hospital bed.
      I had a concussion no doubt. They said I wouldn't have memory loss as long as I didn't fall asleep tonight. My mom brought me my headphones and a rootbeer from the Shell down the street. By 9 I was already head bobbing. My mom had fallen asleep in the lobby and my dad was at home, I was alone. Nobody would know if I just fell into a deep sleep erasing my past. What did they mean by memory loss? Like from today, yesterday, last month, or last year? I wouldn't mind erasing today, but erasing too much... A lot has happened in the past few months. I'm a black belt, 7th grade, talent show, Riley... I couldn't even comprehend the thought of loosing my memory about him. I need to talk to him. "Cmon answer!" It took a second but he finally answered. "Hey Ry." "ARE YOU OKAY YOU HAD ME WORRIED SICK! YOU JUST PASSED OUT AND SENT YOU HOME!" "Yeah Ry I'm fine, just a concussion..." My heart ached. How is he going to react to the fact I could forget his existence in a matter of minutes. "What's wrong, you look sad." "Riley you know I love you right?" "Of course babe I love you too. What's going on?" "Well... I fall asleep tonight..." I look into his worried eyes. "I might suffer memory loss..." The world grows quiet. All I can hear is the sound of his heart ripping in half. He hangs up. I go into a mental breakdown. The doctors run in at my distress and have a syringe in their hand. "NO I CANT SLEEP! NO!" I scream. They finally left after I threatened them. I call Riley back. I can't do this now. I can't save my memory without my sanity. "RILEY ANSWER! Please..." No answer. I sit in silence. I begin to question life. If I give in I won't be in pain anymore. Would if I just died right now? Then I could be done with everything. My phone buzzes. It's a text from Riley. "Let me in." Let me in? What the heck Riley. He makes everything a mystery. I text back, "What do u mean???" "The answer is right in front of u 😋" I look around and it hits me. The window. At least we're on the first floor or I swear I would've killed him. The love of my life was sitting outside the window like a lost kitten with his hands on the edges. "Riley I can't get up." He mouths, "I got it." He pulls out a long hanger and unlocks the window and pulls off the screen. "Riley you're an idiot." "What? Do you really think I would leave you to fight this on your own?" "Dude what are they going to say when they find you or when your parents find out?" "My mom said I could leave and I'm your BROTHER." "Oh my God." He walks over and sits on the bed. The emotions begin to bubble up. No more tears. He's already worried.
      That didn't last long. I lightly sob. He wraps his arms around me. "It's okay. I'm here. I won't let anything happen to you. I promise." I wish I could stay in his arms forever, but I knew I would fall asleep. "What can we do for the next 12 hours?" I wipe my tears on my wired hand. "Well I came prepared." He walked to the window and got three grocery bags. He dumped them out on the bed. A cracked IPad, a few bottles of rootbeer, Apple Jacks, paper, gel pens, and a bag of some weird Asian candies. "Oh my God where did you get all this stuff?" "Home and Walmart. The Asian candies were on sale so thought, why not." I can't help but laugh. I kiss his cheek and open the box of Apple Jacks. He takes out the IPad and opens Happy Gilmore. One of my favorite movies.
    I watched Happy Gilmore throughout my early early childhood. I used to love golf and so did my dad. It was something we shared. In fact I watched it so much I used to copy what they said. Funny thing was that my dad said I cursed correctly. Sheer intelligence! A five year old.
    Throughout the movie Riley would look over at me and make sure I'm awake as he sips on a rootbeer. By 12 it was over. "Ew what are these Ry?! They look like imported drugs." "Not sure... It says "Chew chew goodness" and then the rest is in... Korean?" "You're trying it first!" "Ugh okay." He opens the package. The "candy" was a dark green fat worm looking thing. Riley smelled it and backed away in disgust. He scrunched his face and eats it whole. There wasn't a reaction for a minute, then he spit in the bag. His tongue turned a poop green. "Ew! Thanks for trying it for me babe!" "For you!" "It's a health hazard." "Fine, but the minute you get out of here." This made me think. "Riley?" "Yeah?" He scooted closer and put his head on top of mine. "What if I did lose my memory... What would you do?" There was a silence. I look up at him. He was tearing up. "Well you've seen 50 First Dates I'm assuming." "Of course." "I would spend every day of my life to make you fall in love with me again. Nothing would change. I'll still love you." I wrap my arms around his neck and we both had the same reaction. I have never kissed with such passion. It wasn't French or anything but it was... What's the word... More. The passing time that our lips were interlocked, the stirring emotion, and just the moment itself. It was just more. "I'm not afraid." Riley looks at me with a sparkle in his eyes. "But you're still not falling asleep we only have a few more hours until time is up."
    We sat around until 3am eating Apple Jacks, writing quotes on our arms, and watching Conor Franta. Riley yawns and nods in and out of consciousness. "Ry you can sleep now. You're hardly staying awake." "No. Not until I know you're okay." "Can you sing for me?" "Oh course." He sits up and I wrap my arms around his waist.