The Broken Boy (AMANDA)

When He Loved Me

I lay in bed that night looking up at the ceiling and for the first time in a while I pray. I haven't been too religious lately, you know, ever since I left private school. I thank him for today, yesterday, and my life in general. I usually don't thank him for things like that. I always had a dark outlook on the world. Like if everyone was blind. Like I was the only one who could see the fault in this world and everyone else was blind and stupid. I look at my phone, it's 1:30. Ugh I have school tom... Oh well I grab a note card (every once in a while I grab a note card and make a "statement" or an outtake on life from my eyes) I write "Life is a dark hall way. There's monsters in the shadows. There's so many doors all opening to different things and mysteries. No one can see its end. But you can be the light. You may never find the end but you can certainly search for it."
    I wake up with a new mindset. I'm being myself today. Not the common white girl, not goth, not a gangster, me. I wake up at 4:30 (I set my alarm thirty minutes before I need to get up) but I don't go back to sleep. I go in the kitchen. I do something very stupid. I certainly don't regret it. I take the scissors and cut myself side swept punk bangs. Yes, I watched a video how to do it first. I'm not that stupid. It actually looked good. My mom is going to kill me. Oh well nothing can kill my spirit. I put on a kiss shirt, skinny jeans, and high tops. I look in the mirror. This is me. An old fashioned punk rocker with lip gloss. Well isn't that something. My mom wakes up. I throw on my California republic sweatshirt and put on the hood. I made myself breakfast and got in the car. I had to keep on my hood at least until I got to school. I hopped out of the car and walked into school. I sit down and take my hood off. Albert walks over. With a "What did you do?!" face. "What did you do to your hair?!" "I cut it..." I pretend like I'm as disappointed as him. "YOU CUT IT!!!! Why would YOU cut it?!" "I dunno I wanted to." He smugs and walks to talk to Serena. Then I see something strange. Riley. I never see him in the morning. He has his hoodie on with some retro headphones. He looks around and looks startled when he meets eyes with me. He walks over. I hope he likes it. If not I'm wearing a hat for the rest of my life. "You cut your hair..." "You like it?" He pushes the hair out of my face. "That's better! I like it... It just covers your pretty face." I smile and hug him.
    I got mixed reactions all day. Some "OMG you're so pretty" and some "I liked it before". I even some "What happened to you?!" and some "You look goth." It kinda messed with me. I mean this is the real me. So fake me is better than real me...
    It was like when I wore contacts in 4th grade. I got some "You're so pretty" and some "I like you better with glasses". It all hurts.
    By the end of the day my ego was crushed. I got in the car. My mom gasped. "Did you cut your hair?" "Yeah..." "It looks good" What the... No why did you do that or you're grounded. An "I like it?!" I'm deeply confused. I sleep when I get home. I'm just done. I miss karate and I go in my room and close the door.
    Once again it's 1:30am and I'm still up. I sit in my bed and I have a mental breakdown.
I cry my eyes out. I'm never good enough. I'm too ugly and weird to ever fit in! First you don't like my face without something covering it now you don't like my hair how I like it! Why can't I be good enough for you!!! I don't understand! I start hyperventilating and I urged to just scream at the wind not caring who heard. I can't take it anymore. I go to the kitchen. I go to the knives and grab one. I stand there shaking in the dark with a knife. I was about to make the ultimate bad  decision. Am I really going to do this? Is this the end? Point. Fi-. I hear my phone. It was a phone call. It was Riley.
   "Oh my God!" I whisper and I put the knife away. I run to my room and answer it. "Hey babe I can't sleep. Sorry if I woke you!" "No no you d-d-d didn't wake me." "Are you okay? Are you crying? Babe what's wrong?!" "You saved me." "Saved you from what?" "I'll tell you in the morning. Why are you awake?" "I had another bad nightmare." "Another?" "I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. But tonight's really got me..." "Do you want to talk about it?" "No not really... But you need to know." For a second it's dead silence. I could only hear the sound of his staggering breath. "Ry?" "Oh! Sorry... I always have nightmares about... About..." "It's okay Ry you can tell me." He's crying. I wish I could rap him in my arms. Sob together. "About l-l-l losing you." He's balling. "Oh Ry I'm okay. You're okay. We're okay. " We sit there for a few minutes just balling. We weren't balling about our problems but each other's. "C-c-can you sing for me?" "What?" "Can you sing for me. Please!" He's in so much distress that if I hung up I would be afraid he would be in the same position as me. Knife in hand. Ready. "Oh course." I sniffle and clear my throat and I sing softly,

||Crowded hallways are the loneliest places
For outcasts and rebels
Or anyone who just dares to be different
And you've been trying for so long
To find out where your place is
But in their narrow minds
There's no room for anyone who dares to do something different
Oh, but listen for a minute

Trust the one
Who's been where you are wishing all it was
Was sticks and stones
Those words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone
And you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible
Oh, invisible||

||| I hear his breath getting slower and he stops crying.||||

||So your confidence is quiet
To them quiet looks like weakness
But you don't have to fight it
'Cause you're strong enough to win without a war
Every heart has a rhythm
Let yours beat out so loudly
That everyone can hear it
Yeah, I promise you don't need to hide it anymore
Oh, and never be afraid of doing something different
Dare to be something more

Trust the one
Who's been where you are wishing all it was
Was sticks and stones
Yeah, the words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone
And you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more of this life than what you're feeling now
And someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible

These labels that they give you
just 'cause they don't understand
If you look past this moment
You'll see you've got a friend
Waving a flag for who you are
And all you're gonna do
Yeah, so here's to you
And here's to anyone who's ever felt invisible

Yeah, and you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
And someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible||

    "I love you." "I love you too Riley. Get some sleep okay I'll see in the morning." "Okay good night." "Good night." I hang up and catch my breath. That just happened.
     I woke up sweating and tears streaming in my eyes. Was last night a dream? I look in the mirror of my room, my eyes were bright red, it wasn't a dream. I check my phone. Once again, empty with messages. I wonder how Riley is... Is he awake? I don't want to bother him even though I ache for his warmth. I felt icy and alone like I was in the middle of the forest at night with nothing but a match. I hurry up and get dressed. I need to see him. I put on my California Republic sweatshirt and put my bangs in a lace braid (I really don't want to hear it and I'm lazy). I don't eat breakfast, I don't have an appetite. I get in the car and I stare out the window. I made it... I made it through the night... I never thought of it that way. I survived. But the nightmare isn't over yet.
    I walking into school and I feel a rush of panic. I wanted to run and hide in a dark corner away from everyone and everything. I put in my earbuds. I put on some Bea Miller; I really need some encouragement. I sit down and wait. I fall asleep. After all I didn't sleep so hot last night. I wake up to a hand on my shoulder. I started whipping my arms around. "Woah, woah its okay!" Riley looked concerned. "Sorry..." "Baby what happened last night?" even his voice calmed me. "How can I put this..." "It's okay you can tell me anything" He sits down with me and grabs my hand. "I-I-I almost..." "You almost what?" "I almost killed my self..." He stands there silent. He hugs me tight. I feel him shaking. I try to hold back tears. I couldn't. I begin to cry. He holds me tighter. He takes his arms off me and takes my head in his hands. "Never do that again! You hear me! I need you Amanda! I need you!" "Y-y-y you know you saved me." "How did I save you?" "You called me last night." He wipes the tears off my face. "I'm gonna have to call you more often huh. I'll call you every second of every day if I have to. Just promise me you won't do that again." "I promise." He wraps me in a hug. The bell rings. Let's take on the day. You're a surviver.
    Everyday after that Riley called me before I went to bed to make sure I don't do anything too stupid. He's so cute. Every time he picks up the phone or I say hello I can hear his voice just lights up. Like when you tell a child that they're going to Disneyland. Although he calls to check on me I can kinda use it to make sure his life is in somewhat of an order too. I mean... Somethings about Riley are still a mystery to me. He looks out for me, so I look out for him.
    It's finally February 14th. Valentine's Day. Finally I can enjoy this holiday! It's 4am... Geez! Oh well, I have more time to get ready and maybe even eat. I jump out of my bed and go to the closet. I pick a red lace dress that still had the tag on it. I had second thoughts about buying this dress... I mean it's a dress... And it's not black... But I guess I finally convinced myself to buy it because I've lost a lot of weight and looked really good in it and I sent a pic to Kayla and she wouldn't let me leave without it. I put it on and go to my bathroom. I turn on the straightens iron and put some earrings in and put on my arm of bracelets. I take about a little over an hour curling my hair. It had to be perfect. My mom even let me put some clear mascara on today (yay...) and some sparkly lipgloss. It's now 6:30. I put on my special perfume and look at myself in the mirror... This is me... My mom walks in. She smiles. "Wooooow!" "I know right no black ahhhhh!" I lace up my high tops and chew some gum. I take a selfie and I run out the door into the car. I can't wait to see him!
    I jump out of the car not even saying bye to my mom. I run in my dress to the lunch tables which were almost empty because it was only 7:20. I sit down and put in my ear buds. I just sit there watching the gate. Waiting for my man... Waiting... And waiting... And waiting. Finally I see Matt. He looks shocked "What have you done with Amanda! Haha just kidding you look nice." "Haha thanks!" The rest of my friends gradually come. They all were shocked. Even Albert came in a button up with some flowers. "Awe! Serena's gonna love them!" Then I turn around and there's Serena. Wow. She too was all dressed up. Albert sat there with his mouth open. She runs and hugs him. Where's my man! It's 7:38! Schools gonna start soon. I finally text him. "Hey Ry where are you bæ!!!" It's official, I have turned into a girl. The responding bubbles appear. "Look behind you." I look behind me and there he is. He is wearing a button up shirt with his hair combed with a little bow tie. I've never seen him so dressed up. We run to each other and he picks me up and spins me around. Then he backs up. "Wow. You- you- you are stunning, babe. Oh my God!" He's stumbling over his words. He's speechless. "Shut up!" I hug him. He's even wearing cologne! "How did I end up with a girl like you. Just WOW!!!! I'm speechless." "Okay that's enough Romeo!" "Okay..." We laugh and hug again. The bell rings. He kisses me on my right cheek. "Sorry I had to."
    I walked into history. I found a single red rose on my desk with a note attached like the day he asked me to be his valentine. I read the note, it was in perfect cursive. "Good morning beautiful! This is the place where you learn about the past, but here is something that will show you the future. P.S. Your friend Celine helped me write these." Awe! I smell the rose. Ah. Bliss. Pure bliss. I walk over to Celine and hug her tight and the bell rings and I go to my seat.
    Second period I found a box icebreakers."You send a icy chill down my spine when our worlds collide." I get a shiver down my back. Ah! I pop a mint and sit down. "Oooo whose the rose from?", Kelsey said with her eyebrows raised. "Riley!" "Oh that hero boy you talked about! My little girl is all grown up!" We crack up. Never would I have thought that I would have a boyfriend before Kelsey.
    For PE I didn't see anything until I got to the lockeroom. I open my locker and I see a bottle of perfume. Hollister perfume. How would he know the only person that's seen that is... My mom. She was in this too?! "For my rose because you smell so sweet." I spritz a little on my PE shirt. Mmmmm. I hold my shirt to my nose and my heart flutters. I realize I finally get to see him again next period. I skip out of the lockeroom.
    As I walk to math I put on more lip gloss and just think about what he's going to do this period. I walk into math and I'm flooded with compliments. Ugh the problem of looking nice. I sit down and I pop another 5 or 6 mints. I stare at my rose: I turn it left and right. I've never gotten a rose before. I've never been spun around in a hug. Clarity struck. This is love! Then he walks in and sparks fly.
    He has the biggest smile on his face and his cheeks were brushed with the slightest hint of pink. He walks to my desk, sets down a note and puts my shaking hands on top. He walks away and I open the note."Look harder!" What does he mean! I look around the class and I see nothing! Ugh!!!!! I open my agenda and write down the homework and then it hits me. I stand up and look under my seat. There's an aquamarine pen with a note in the clip. The note says."Though this is cheap, your thoughts are rich." I open the pen, it's a gel pen. If you know me I love gel pens to write on my hand. I write my favorite verse of Fire n Gold.

|| And I feel like I have known you my whole life
There is beauty behind every tear you've cried
Sometimes it's just hard to realize||