The Pain of having a heart (Sosuke Aizen x reader) [Wattys 2016]

Prologue Act, A solitary heart that closed

As I walked through the hallway towards my room, I stopped and put my hand on the wooden railing.

I remembered a strange memory. Something that I could not comprehend, something that I blocked out of my mind one hundred eleven years ago.

I remembered when I first let my solitary heart open. It was certainly joyful, and I find myself smiling a little.

But then it shifted into a frown. It was as I had expected, it didn't last long.

In that memory, I could see my face had an expression of rage and despair, something which I never truly understood even if I opened up my heart to feel it.

In my arms I held a dying woman, whose face I remembered very well, and which I had attempted to block out of my mind. My grip on the wooden railing tightened. I didn't like the feeling of having human emotions. It was unbearably incomprehensible.

I was screaming at someone angrily. My voice was strained. Why would I feel so enraged over something that never even mattered to me? Something that I forced myself to forget long ago?

And that's when I realized...

...I made the wrong decision to open my solitary heart to the world. It also hurt the flow of my plans. Nothing was going smoothly for me that day. That one, sickening day.

"Somethin' the matter?"

I glanced behind me to see the only man who saw everything on that day. The day that for the first time in my life...

...I felt so helpless.

I smiled at him, amused. "What are you curious about this time?"

He grinned. "Nothin' much..."

I chuckled. "What's so interesting that it was enough to pique your interest?"

"Yare yare. Stop givin' me that intense glare. Dontcha trust me?" He said.

"You had to ask." I said, adding a chuckle at the end so he will know what I actually meant.

"It's pretty hard to read ya, isn't it? But I know whatcha mean."

"You're skilled at reading other people's thoughts. That is not surprising for me."

We were quiet for a while until he spoke. "By the way...when are ya gonna put yer plan into action?"

I smiled. "Someday...maybe when the Sereitei is attacked."

He just grinned. "Fine by me, then. I'll be seein' ya."

With that, he left me alone. I closed my eyes and lifted my head up, feeling the cool night breeze.

I do not feel despair. I should always remember that. Maybe...I shouldn't allow myself to know about a heart, either.

I let go of the railing, then started to walk towards my room. I want to forget all the feelings that I've felt, all those memories, and...

...my solitary heart.

I slid open the door and lay down on my bed. But there's one thing that has been bothering me from time to time again.

The memory of my past life, and the question,

'Will I ever try to love again?'

I closed my eyes. No, I shouldn't. I think it's better...

...If I closed my solitary heart and never let it open again.

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I heard someone call my name over and over like an echo.

I opened my eyes, and saw that I was in Division 4. I was being rushed towards some sort of emergency room.

The bed they were carrying on was stained blood-red. Impossible. How did I bleed this much?

"You should've let me die! Then you wouldn't be in this state right now!" The same voice which uttered my name said.
It had a strained tone.

"Don't worry. He will live. We must trust Unohana-taichou." One of the Shinigami who was taking me to her said.

I coughed out blood. "Lieutenant! We have to hurry, he's in a critical state!"

I couldn't feel anything from my injuries. Is this all a dream? A dream about a past memory...

"Unohana-taichou! His life is on the line, and we have to hurry! He was attacked by a Vasto Lorde class Menos!" Seinosuke said.

"Put him here. I'll take care of him." She said.

"You didn't have to protect me! I hate seeing you like this!" The voice yelled again.

Seinosuke put his hands on her shoulders. "Calm down, Mizuki. He'll be alright."

Mizuki...was she the same woman from that memory?

Unohana-taichou's palms begin to glow green and she began healing me. "His injuries are severe. But I'll do what I can."

Moments later, I felt her reiatsu start to get farther away. "His condition is better. Would you like to stay with him, Mizuki?"

"Yes, Captain." She said.

I felt a hand stroke my hair. She was showing me affection. Such an amusing thing to do.

But I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, so I assumed that I was unconscious. But then her lips touched my forehead.

"Please don't get hurt again, Aizen."