cake | joshler

neuf.

tyler
so, i'm taking back what's mine

I want to run into you down the street. I want to watch your face pale and your eyes widen. I want to watch you open your mouth and close it again.

I want you to acknowledge me.

That's all I asked for, in the end. It wasn't about having you in my bed anymore. Suddenly it was about you noticing me.
I'm obsessed with people seeing things in me. I want them to notice my habits. I want them to see my flaws. I want to be loved.
Did you do any of that Josh? I think you did, for a time.

I remember once, out of the blue, you told me to stop biting my fingernails. I raised my eyebrows.
"You always do that when something is upsetting you. I don't want anything to be upsetting you," I remember you said quietly. I felt better after that. Nothing could ruin my mood for the rest of that day - except for watching you text one of your friends about some pretty boy who wasn't called Tyler.

I take back all those compliments I gave you. I take back the money I spent on a new collar for your stupid cat. I take back all the cake I ate.

I can't eat cake without thinking of you. The sickly sweet taste makes me gag. You used to taste like cake. I wonder if you came back, I'd like cake again.

I met another boy the other day. He asked for my number and flirted with me. I felt out of place. This boy wasn't like you. He wasn't gentle. But I slept with him because I needed to feel warm again.

Maybe he can help get me over you. Maybe he can get me sleeping in my own bed again, because whenever I try to, I think of you. I've been sleeping on the couch the past few months. Even that is difficult.

I wish I'd been more comfortable in your apartment. I liked being there but I didn't want to begin thinking of myself as your boyfriend. I knew you had other people there as well. I couldn't stand the fact that others had slept in your bed.

Anyway, if you happen to drop by, I want my heart back. And to feel warm again.