The Alpha's Mate

Chapter 18

Ronan's POV

 I shot up in bed.  My heart was racing and a cold sweat surrounded me.  My breathing was quick and short.  

I had the nightmare again.  

It's the night I ruined everything.  I can't seem to control my limbs or my words.  I can only watch.  The end is different.  Instead of her getting away to the bathroom, I get her.  When she screams I choke her. She doesn't stop struggling and I don't stop squeezing.  Eventually her eyes glass over and she drops to the floor.

Every night for the past two months have been this way.  I've hardly slept, eaten or showered.  I haven't done pack work or even been outside my house.  

The house is still totally ruined.  I haven't bothered to call anyone to fix anything.  My family tries to neglect me.  They don't come over more than once a week, and it's usually just to make sure I didn't hang myself in the bathroom.  Their original spitefulness and hatred has lessened, they don't let me forget what I have done, neither do I or my wolf.  

We all hate me.  Mother even tried to apologize for what she has said, but we both know that it's true; I don't deserve my house, my title, anything.  

Most of my day I spend thinking about what could have been between me and Manon.  We used to be so happy, we didn't have a single argument, and it felt like I knew her since forever.  We used to talk about kids, she would say one and I would say lots.  

Any happy memories between us now bring me only sadness.  I know that I screwed up and I want to fix it, sometimes a sudden idea hits me and I want to run over to her and just beg.  Then I remember the way she looked at me.

The night I met her by the cliff.  She looked at me with such disgust and disappointment it felt like a silver dagger to my chest.  What was worse was that she though I would hit her.  I wouldn't dare purposely lay a hand on her, not now not before.  I don't know what happened that night.

She left and took my world with her.  

I sat flipping the picture between by fingers.  I didn't settle to look at it, the times I would it would only bring back the awful vision.  I let my eyes scan over her face, a sudden anger filling me.  I ripped it, right through the middle.

I separated me from her, tossing me to the side. 

 Oh God, what did I do? 

 The anger quickly left me and only regret filled me.  I quickly crawled to the other half of the picture, picking it up and pushing the two pieces back together.   I dropped them running to the drawer, grabbing tape.  I stumbled back to the picture taping it.  

I reexamined it, the tape lazily holding me and Manon together.  I brushed over it, pushing out any air bubbles in the tape.  

It was important to me that the picture stayed together.  I placed the picture back into the drawer, it was the only thing in there.  All my other belongings I either shredded or broke.  

I would not touch Manon's things.  Her drawers remained filled.  I refuse to ruin her belongings, I already hurt her enough.  I made my way to her drawer, picking up one of her shirts.  She didn't take them with her.

I sniffed her shirt, her faint scent filling my nose.  It was the only comfort I could find the past few months.  I heard a knock coming from down the stairs.  I folded her shirt, putting it back the way I found it. 

I lazily stumbled to the door.  Opening it slowly, I let my eyes adjust to the blinding light.  I stood, squinting in the sun's rays.  

"Are you going to let me in?" The familiar voice of my sister filled my ears.  I moved to the side, closing the door behind her.  She flicked on the lights, revealing the destroyed house to light.  "You seriously haven't cleaned up yet?" She stated, not questioned.

"Does it matter?" I walked to a bar stool, pretty much the only thing left standing.  She ignored my question and got right to the point.  "You need to pull yourself together.  The pack doesn't deserve this." My eyes met hers and I could only nod slightly.  "You can't just stay here feeling sorry for yourself all Goddamn day."  Her statement was harsh and I let out a growl.

"You don't understand Piper!" My breathing was getting quicker. "You didn't lose your other half, you don't know how I feel!" She stepped forward.  "It's your fault.  She didn't do this, you did." My anger vanished and was replaced by sorrow.  

"It's your fault your pack is without a Luna." I wanted to growl, but I knew what she was saying was true.  "The pack will fall without you being present."  She spat.  I knew she didn't like the fact that I was actually needed.  She would prefer to leave me alone.  "The pack is surviving."

"Not forever, Ronan."  I ran my hands over my face and my greasy hair.  I don't think I showered since she left.  She turned for the door, gazing back at me once more.  "You have to do this.  For the pack."  The door closed, echoing through the house.  

Even though she was gone, I still felt the need to reply.  "I don't have to do anything." 

The pack was alive, we were still strong.  There have been no attacks, no fights.  Everything is going smoothly, for now.  Until things go south I refuse to rule without my Luna.  

I need time to myself.  I deserve time to myself.  She doesn't know how it feels.  I am abandoned, and it's all my fault.

Deep down I know that I need to be there for my pack.  I know that I need to face my responsibilities and be the Alpha, but not now.