#BedroomConfessions

A Letter to You, I Would Never Send

Dear you who took my heart,

I know I should’ve started it with ‘Dear Love’ or ‘Dear Insert your name here’ but I can’t, not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t have the guts to do so.

I know it is also not a good start for a letter, let alone a love letter. And you can’t say it out loud because love letters are suppose to speak for themselves. But then this your no ordinary one, so please just bear with me and ignore the first two paragraphs.

We met some time in September or October I can’t recall, but what I do remember is the moment our eyes met and that instant connection. Who am I kidding of course there’s no instant connection because I looked away shortly like all human instinct would convey. But then the rapid beating of my heart was enough proof that you affected me.

I am not good at organizing things, not even my thoughts they’re scattered in all the different parts of my brain and some of them are finding their way to the back of it because I tend to forget about them along the way of always thinking about you.
It was the first morning of a new year, the first time the sun peeks through the dark grey clouds of the rainy days back. It brings me relief and comfort, because the sun to me is majestic, it’s noble, it gives life to everything it touches even at night it somehow shines through the uneven surfaces of the moon. It just always shines.

To me you are that little sun in my little world that only the two of us matters. Although I wasn’t the Earth you’re focused on, I’m only the moon who receives part of you but not the whole of you.

But you, the woman I fell in love with kindled the different ways the rain falls upon your skin. You told me when you were just a kid, you and your father would bask on the wide lawn of your home whenever it rains. You guys just played around no matter how your mother would protest you two never listened.

The rain brings you comfort you told me once while we’re under a downpour. I was trying to keep you dry until we get to the house, but you pulled me out instead soaking us. And that’s when I saw you most beautiful. But you just are, you’re always just so beautiful.

‘There are other things far more beautiful than me.’ You would always counter every time I tell you that are. You would always find a reason not to own it, or to believe me. Just enough to make you more beguiling.

You, the woman I fell in love with, talks a lot. We can talk from dusk til dawn, and you’d still have more things to talk about that if it’s not for the need to sleep you’d dare not stop talking. And I love that about you.

You, the woman I fell in love with, doesn’t know how to cook a decent meal. You would get burns from frying bacon, you can be a mess trying to mix the pancake batter and if it’s not for your apron I’m sure your white dress shirts would always end up soiled. But atleast you try to make me bacons and pancakes every morning. And I love that about you.

You, the woman I fell in love with, loves to joke about the dullest of things. You would forcefully joke about something and would end up explaining that it was a joke and that was suppose to be funny in one way or another and if it’s not for your cuteness I’m sure I would long be pissed off by now. But at least you try to make me laugh most of the time. And I love that about you.

You, the woman I fell in love with, is always so caring and giving to anybody and anything. You would take home stray dogs and cats and take care of them, feed them and own them before you give them away to people who would be able to be their proper owner and you would always shed a tear when it’s time to say goodbye and if it’s not because of your hamsters and dog I’m sure the three little kittens would’ve stayed longer. But at least you always try and show how much you care. And I love that about you.

You, the woman I fell in love with, is so smart that I tend to lag behind your quick pick ups and witty come backs and if it’s not for your natural charm I’m sure I would’ve long be offended by how you correct and outsmart me. But at least you try to be really discreet about my mistakes some times. And I love that about you.

You, the woman I fell in love with, is so loving and understanding that even though the worst thing could be done, you would just smile and forgive and if it’s not for your constant reminder to be kind to people in general I’m sure I would’ve confronted more than a dozen of individuals who wronged you. But at least you know when to put your feet down and stand your ground and talk for yourself. And I love that about you.

You, the woman I fell in love with, is one beautiful person inside and out and I’m sure people not only me see that, it makes me proud and if it’s not because you have someone else loving you right now I’m sure I would’ve declared this love I have for you. But I can’t and I don’t have the guts to do so. And even with that fact I’d still love you just the same.

You, the woman I fell in love with was never meant to be with me and I know that right from the start and if it’s not for me being stubborn and a sucker for abuse, I would’ve long stayed away from you but I can’t and I don’t have the guts to do so. And even with that fact I’d still love you hopelessly just the same.

You, the woman I fell in love with is sitting right in front of me while I am writing this kind of a love letter and if it’s not for him sitting there beside you holding your hand and making you laugh, I would’ve stopped writing this and just tell you my heart’s content but then I wouldn’t want to ruin something beautiful because of selfishness. And even with that fact I’d still love you heartbreakingly just the same.

You, maybe able to read this and find it random but I would want to make it clear that this letter’s written specifically for you and if it’s not for the fact that you’re already taken I’m sure I would’ve long confessed since that December night when I confirmed this feelings I have for you, but I can’t and I don’t have the guts to do so.

Not because I’m a self torturing fool but because like what I’ve always said before, I don’t want to ruin something so beautiful. And that smile you have on your lips and the happiness it reflects on your eyes is that kind of beautiful that’s not suppose to be tainted because of anything selfish or even just a one line of ‘I’ve completely fallen for you.’ And even with that fact I’d still love you alone just the same.

I am writing this with your picture inside my head, so vivid that even with eyes closed I can see the outline of your being from the darkness. So vivid that even with eyes closed I can see the thin line that your lips make everytime you purse ‘em to stop yourself from laughing out loud.

I am writing this once and for all and for the salvation of my sanity and self control cause if I don’t it would be the death of me. Like what I always tell you, ‘You are the death of me’. And if it’s not for all the people around us that night I’m sure I would’ve made a move for one last time before I let this feeling go, for the first time to let you feel it too. But all eyes were on us and I can’t and I don’t have the guts to do so. And even with that fact, I would have loved you now and forever and for always.

I consider you the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened in my life and I am somewhat thankful that I don’t deserve you, because in that way I would not be able to hurt you or ruin you with all my faults and imperfections. At least I wouldn’t be able to hurt you at all, but know that I’d always be willing to just be here waiting, wishing, loving.

Yours truly,
(but not really)

MV