#BedroomConfessions

Midnights in September

Knowing her came with the careful footsteps on an unknown territory, familiarizing myself to establishments and landmarks, blinding my eyes to gloomy streetlights and keeping in mind a street number and a street name, 19th Augustus St. It took a lot of getting used to, for I am not someone whose compass always points north, I allotted an hour to memorize the street view on the way to her house the first time I decided to visit her, precised every turn, familiarized myself to how her neighborhood looks like just so I could think less when get there. She'd known me as the early bird, someone who doesn't want other people to wait just because I was late - - she's never wrong and if destinations could turn into human beings, I know right in that moment, that she was mine.

I am no person of numbers, I didn't ace my exams on mathematics often but if I could get a dollar for every time I thought about her since the day I met her, man, I know for certain without counting that I'd be filthy rich. I know she would laugh with what I have in mind and would absolutely match it with how she felt for me too like she always does. I can already imagine her laughter, the distinct sound of it and how that sound can easily calm my senses, the tension on my muscles and the stress I feel in my bones. The first time I heard her laugh was like a movie scene, everything toned down and her laughter was amplified embedding its wave length on my brain.

Human anatomy tells us that the region of our body with the most number of bones are our hands, 27 bones in each one. And when we touch something the action is sent to our brain on a speed of a hundred and twenty-four miles per hour but I'd like to believe, that when I touched her for the first time it was a lot faster than one hundred and twenty-four miles to know that she is someone worth that information overload. The first time we held hands my heart pounded hard against my chest like it was about to blow right out my body and scream with happiness. It felt like holding everything I hold dear and I need nothing more than her hand in mine.

80% of our memories are determined by what we see. I've always wondered what if humans' eyes are made up of tiny cameras which can save all the precious moments they wanted to keep with them all the time, I'm sure most of mine would be portraits of her. Every time I look at her I'm having a hard time looking away, my eyes tell me to look more, see more, see through her always happy self and understand where she's coming from. See that she's not perfect and accept her faults and insecurities no matter what for that's who she is.

One night she asked me why I love her, I was caught off guard and the next logical thing I did was to shrug and smile and say, 'because it is you.' - I regretted having said that because we both know that I have a lot in my head to tell her, it was next to an insult to just shrug something I reek of, it was next to an insult to just smile about how big what I feel is for her. So I want to tell her why either way, I love her because I am a believer of things with not much proof but faith and I believe in us and the greatness we are bound to face together. I'm a believer and though she was not taken out from my rib I know that we are two of a kind and we will fit each other just perfectly.

"Why me?"

"Why not you?"

"I don't know, I'm not the one you want me to be."

"There's nothing more I want you to be than yourself."

"You'll get tired of me soon, you too will find a reason to leave me, just like how everybody else did."

"There's just one thing you need to do actually -"

"What?"

"Let me love you and if you let me, I'd love you enough for you to believe in love again, the kind that'll sweep you off your feet but also knows where fairytale ends and reality begins but is never afraid to be in a standstill with you, that will reek of warmth and tenderness, of safety and assurance. I'd love you enough for you to believe that a love could last more than a decade and still feel like the first time you saw each other. I'd love you enough to prove you wrong about your thinking that maybe you're basic, ordinary, dull or anything you force yourself to believe in just because they let you feel it before. I'd love you so much you'd see how you are bold and brilliant and beautiful, so much you'd be pushed to the edge of confidence, so much you'd stop wondering whether if I'd find that reason to walk right out of that door like everybody else before me. So for the life of me, let me love you and all you have to worry about is loving me back. Let me love you and if you'd let me, I really do hope you'd let me." She turned from lying on her sides to face me and hug me tight. She smiled ever so sweetly, just exactly how I remember it. She didn't say anything she just let me feel that one thing she was always reluctant of telling me and that's alright, I've always believed that actions speak louder than words, but actually hearing it sometimes makes it a reality.

We were having dinner at her house one night, we were quiet only the television was playing in the background and as I silently watch her just be herself my mind started reeling to daydreams of us living together. Me doing the dishes every time she cooks for us or the other way around, her waiting for me to come home every night since I always have to do a little bit of extra work and I'd apologize for getting home late with a hug and a kiss or with sunflowers. I'll take her out on dates even if there's no occassion because there's not a need to be just to make her feel special. We'll share a bed in cold nights and sweat hot summer days, we'll share a cup of coffee while basking in the morning sun by the veranda, we'll create grocery, bills, savings, and even bucket lists together, we'll both hope and dream to accomplish them by duedates or deadlines or someday for plans longer than the years we already have together. We will see our lives patterned side by side even by just the simple act of brushing our teeth at the same time. We will spend Christmas at their family house and New Year's at mine. We will buy gifts for each other and for our families and we'll wrap them ourselves. And then we will have the arguments, the difficult times not because that's what living together will cost us but because we are not perfect and so is our relationship but we will continue to believe in the love we have, we will brave the high stakes and rough waters under the bridge we have to cross to get to wherever it is we plan on going and we'll do it all together, we will love each other, until love breaks us and takes the best of us and mends us over again - - and we'll love each other even more. And we will fight for what we have because as I sit there watching her just be herself I can see my whole life written all over her body.

She cleared her throat as she looked my way and smiled, 'Do you need anything else?'she worried. I took her hand in mine and smiled, 'there's nothing more I'll ever need, you're already here with me.' I offered whole heartedly, she would smile wider and would look down or away from me like she always does and I'll laugh at how adorably she blushes.

"What are we up to tonight?" I asked as we get under the sheets, lying on our sides looking at each other like we are the only people in the world, like we're the only ones that matter, and tonight we will take up spaces because we will matter.

"We are gonna be up all night, doing and undoing each other." She said in a sultry taunting voice that always entices me.

I've never craved for anybody else like this before and I won't be shy in admitting that to anyone. I love how she is an equal mix of someone I love and crave for, the good touch of lust along with the lines of a dozen 'I love yous' and tonight I'll turn her into soft moans, and every raging oh, oh would end with dear God and we will not be in vain. For if having her in my arms forever would lead me down to hell then let the fire of her lips against my skin burn me eternally, cause I will never let her go. I could no longer go on not having her scorched on my skin, I could point at each mark she left me with a tidal wave of emotions I could never escape.

I wanna kiss the fuck out of her, senseless, sanity will blur and madness will incur, so she could never forget how I tasted, she will bear me in her lips, that even after I left she will be looking for me. I will verse the whole of my poetry in between her parted legs, induce my words into her blood and prose into her veins, I will own her and she will do the same to me, we will keep consuming each other in the most devastatingly beautiful way.

We always agreed to love by day and to make love by midnight, no holds barred, bare naked, all vulnerability scattered around us as we sat face to face picking on the parts of us we love the most - - for her my eyes and lips and for me her everything. All is calm at midnight, only our rapidly beating hearts rythmic with each other is audible in the silhouette of her room as we paint each other our favorite colors of the rainbow. And all I think of as she dominates me, as she leaves me breathless and submitting to her mercy that I could live the rest of my days just like this.

"Will you love me like how you told me you would? Would you really?" She whispered when she thought I was already sleeping, I tightened my arms around her waist pressing my lips on her shoulder.

"I will love you with everything I have." I whispered back

"I love you." She carefully uttered in between breaths, her body shaking as her heart pound hard in her chest against me ribcage.

"That's all I needed to hear." I smiled, finally able to find rest beside her as she buries her face on my neck, fitting the mold I made for her. Tomorrow's going to be different, tomorrow's going to be better than any day before it, and we would face it together.