Preppy Boy (Interracial, BoyXBoy)

Chapter Nine: Confessions

Hey Paddies, Happy Easter!...The chapter is long!...Enjoy ;)

Above is Blaine ( Model: Niclas Gillis)

BLAINE'S POV

It never ceased to surprise me how deep human loathing could go. Often times the most screwed up ones are ourselves. For every ten people that you meet, eight hate everyone, six hate themselves, but blame everyone else, three loathe themselves, and one or two out of those ten will never let you know just how disturbed they really are. Actors are not just on the big screen in Hollywood, they are your next door neighbor, your roommate, your bestfriend, your sibling. Everyone wears a mask. And because the world revolves around you without you ever intending it to, you will never look as closely at them as you should. They don't want you to, really, they would rather hide what they see as a weakness in the darkness of their souls, too proud to ask for help; dying inside without really knowing why.

I was in that one percent. I could admit it to myself, that was the easy part. I had a love hate relationship with myself; I loved to hate myself. My family didn't know it, my best friends didn't know it, no one knew it, but me. Ah, but I was a great actor, you see. No one knew how much I hated myself. They thought I just liked to have fun. I was always kind to others, if not a little sarcastic at times. Okay, a lot sarcastic, but it was always in good nature.

You may say that I was self-destructive towards myself, maybe I was, but I didn't really care. All my life I've found no one to make me want to care, to make me want to help myself. Not even my family was enough to save me, sadly enough. Well, that was until I met, Nick. He cared so much about me that it made me want to better myself for him, never did I want all his hard work to go in vain.

It was surprising that I kept up good grades considering how fucked up my life was. My Father was only interested in my older brother, Nathaniel. It was always Nathaniel this Nathaniel that. It got even worse when I came out. All my Achievements, whether academic or not didn't matter to him. I was more intelligent than Nathaniel yet he never congratulated me for my grades or winning debate Competitions. Just because I was gay nothing I did was ever enough.

My mother on the other hand went as far as to Miss America and although she didn't win, most people still called her Miss America. She was beautiful and to my Father she was the trophy wife, the eye candy on his arms to show off. I was a little on the chubby side as a toddler and she was not happy with me. It took me years of therapy on orders by my man, Nick to realize that she verbally abused me for so long that it negatively affected my self-esteem. Comments like: "do you really want to eat that?" "no one likes fat people" "Is that sugar- free?" "If I were you, food would be my my enemy number one!" Were the nicest Comments I could tell you. It wasn't clear to me that they were verbal abuse back then. I thought she only wanted to help me loose weight and I was determined to make her happy. Sometimes she would just say it was a joke or only wanted the best for me. Having a pageant queen as a Mother was not an easy life. I later began to see how superficial my family was. Your name, looks and money were everything in that kind of Social circle.

Nick sometimes said I was cold and snobbish at times. I guess I used it to cover the pain I felt inside. I knew Nick was not perfect, far from that, but when a man dedicates his life to make you feel better about yourself, you know how special you are to him. I'm sad to let you know that it took me years to realize that. When we were younger, my insecurities and his short temper were the forces that worked against us the most.

I still sat on Nicholas' laps in my living room. We were silent for awhile, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I didn't want this moment with him to end. I was thinking about my love for Nicholas. I knew then that I have fallen in love with him and I needed him to know. What was the point of hiding it? I couldn't bear to regret it later for not telling him. Maybe Nicholas had cast his spell on me like he did with all the other girls. I didn't want to accept that he did.