Don't Go (Oliver Sykes Fanfic)

Chapter Three

"I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone. I long for that feeling to not feel at all. The higher I get, the lower I'll sink. I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim" Bring Me the Horizon, Can You Feel My Heart?

Chapter Three

I stare blankly at the wall. 

I hear the clock tick with every second passing by.

No one has come today so I'm all alone. Left for my mind to swallow up any kind of happiness. It's strange how that happens. I can be SO happy one moment, but the minute I'm alone, all I can think about is what could've been and never will be.

I'm never going to fall in love.

I'm never going to have my first kiss.

I'm never going to experience what it's like to make love.

I'll never have children.

I'll never grow old by my lover's side.

I'll never be able to do the simple stuff, like going on a rollercoaster. I've never been on one. I would love to do that. 

I wonder, when you're on a rollercoaster, if you feel the rush of your life passing by in seconds of hours of years.

Maybe this is a real cancer patient thing to say, but no one knows how to live until they're dying.

I don't want to spend my last days in this hospital grey.

I don't want to spend my last days waiting for death.

I want to live.

That would be nice.

Sometimes I think what it would be like if I didn't choose the path I did when I was fourteen.

If I didn't go all "emo" and I stuck with the popular preps and had my blond hair that went down to my butt.

Those kind of girls sicken me.

Ha.

Sicken.

Get it? The sick girl said sicken.

Sorry. Bad humor.

When I was fourteen I loved life.

When I was fourteen I never experienced true pain.

When I was fourteen I didn't know I had cancer.

That was the life.

I'd do anything to go back there. To be that innocent, young age again. A lot can happen in three years.

For instance, one year you can be full of life, a little fat and plump.

In two you can be nothing but skin and bone.

With every piece of hope gone.

In two years you can be told that you're going to die.

With those few words, I saw my family fall apart.

My mom broke down in sobs and collapsed onto her knees.

Hanna cried into my mom's shoulder.

My dad punched a wall and left the room.

And I sat completely still.

Stunned.

-

Stunned.

That's all I felt as I prepared to get ready to meet Oliver Sykes.

This is happening. I can't wait. I can't believe it.

"I'M GOING TO MEET OLIVER FUCKING SYKES IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!" I screeched into Josh's ear.

He jumped up and down like a puppet.

"You HAVE to tell him about me, Ella! Don't forget! Do not!" He egged me on.

I laugh. "How could I forget to tell Oli about my wonderful, bestest friend in the ENTIRE world?" 

"True. You could never."

I punch Josh lightly on the arm.

"You have to stop being so abusive, damn." Josh mutters, causing a huge smile to break out across my face.

We plug in my iPod and jam out to every song possible.

Until.

Ronan by Taylor Swift comes on.

I sit still, the happiness being sucked out of the room by this song.

"Ella... Why do you have this song?" Josh asks me, carefully.

"Because, it shows someone cares. Someone knows what it feels like to lose the one they love." I whisper.

It doesn't make sense.

But ever since I met Emma I've been listening to Taylor Swift.

Well okay, three songs isn't really much. 

But still.

This song.

This song.

She gets it. 

She gets that people have cancer.

She gets that it's important and life changing.

She cares to make a song about it.

That's why I have this.

I shut it off and skip to Deathbeds. I skip that too and land on Don't Go.

I feel Josh grab my hand and we sit still in silence.

Tears roll down my cheeks.