Best Quotes EVER!

2. Leonard Hofstadter

Leonard: I love cheesecake. 

Sheldon: You're lactose-intolerant. 

Leonard: I don't eat it. I just think it's a good idea.

Penny: Would it be weird if I used your shower? 

Leonard: No. 

Sheldon: Yes. 

Leonard: (to Sheldon) No! 

Sheldon: No? 

Leonard: No! 

Sheldon: (to Penny) No.

"That's right! Cuz' that's how we roll in the Shire!"

Penny: Boy, you're really smart. 

Leonard: Yeah, I'm a freaking genius.

(Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are all dressed as the Flash and they are deciding who will be what.)

Leonard: I call Frodo!

Sheldon, Raj, and Howard: (together) Damn!

Penny: I need some guinea pigs.

Sheldon: Okay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you can try. But if your research is going to have human applications, may I suggest white mice? Their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.

Penny: I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.

Leonard: His mom's been saying that for years.

Howard: We need a hot 15-year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys.

Penny: What?

Leonard: Howard, that's racist. Any fifteen year old girl will do the trick.

Sheldon: I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad. 

Howard: He can feel sadness? 

Leonard: Not really. It's what you and I would call condescension.

Sheldon: Excuse me, but the problem is NOT solved. If your HEAD had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in its place, would that be problem solved?

Leonard: If it were your head it would be.

Leonard: (Discussing Sheldon). Yeah, yeah, ah, see here's the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.

Howard (watching America's Next Top Model): Oh, look! That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait! That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of... what a coincidence... is the future Mrs. Wolowitz. 

Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.

Sheldon: Please. We're facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids. 

Leonard: It's not so bad.

Sheldon: Not bad? It's horrible. You hear stories about this 

Leonard:What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I'm cool with having your old boyfriend sleep in your apartment. 

Leonard imitating Penny: Well, Leonard, it doesn't matter if you're cool or not, 'cause I'm penny and I'm pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want.

Leonard: Black beans, not pinto beans? 

Sheldon: Yes. 

Leonard: Double guacamole? 

Sheldon: Of course. 

Leonard: Lettuce shredded, not chopped? 

Sheldon: Yes. 

Leonard: You understand why I'm doing this? 

Sheldon: I do. 

Leonard: That will be all.

Leonard: It was the only way to make him happy. 

Penny: Why did you have to make him happy? 

Leonard: Because when he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan! We were going to throw his Kindle outside and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death. 

Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction! 

Leonard: No. The overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell "mush!" 

Leonard: Will you please take that stupid hat off? 

Howard: No, I want to blend in. 

Raj: To what? Toy Story? 

Howard: So how's Sheldon? 

Leonard: Well, this morning he got up wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me with the Force, so, a little better. 

[Leonard hits his head under the table at the restaurant] 

Penny: Are you OK ? 

Leonard: Yeah, I'm OK... Did you spill ketchup ? 

Penny: No. 

Leonard: I'm not OK! 

Howard: [Leonard, Sheldon, Howard & Raj are on their laptops playing an online role playing game] All right, just a few more feet and... 

[pause] 
Howard: Here we are gentlemen, the Gates Of Elzebub. 

Sheldon: Good lord! 

Leonard: Don't panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about. 

Howard: Stay frosty. There's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword Of Azeroth. 

Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons. Magic wielders, raise your wands. 

Sheldon: Lock and load. 

Howard: Raj, blow the gates. 

Raj: Blowing the gates. 

[pressing keys] 

Raj: Control, shift, B. 

[sound of the gates blowing] 

Raj: Oh my God, so many goblins! 

Howard: Don't just stand there, slash and move! Slash and move! 

Leonard: Stay in formation! 

Howard: Leonard, you've got one on your tail! 

Leonard: That's all right, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off! 

Raj: I got him Leonard. Tonight, I spice my meat with goblin blood! 

Leonard: Raj, no, it's a trap! Thay're flanking us! 

Raj: [in a wimpy tone] Oh, he's got me. 

Howard: Sheldon, he's got Raj, use your sleep spell! Sheldon! 

[changes to an annoyed whisper] 

Howard: Sheldon! 

Sheldon: I've got the Sword Of Azeroth! 

Leonard: Forget the sword Sheldon, help Raj. 

Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon! I am the sword master! 

Howard: Leonard look out! 

Leonard: Damn it man, we're dying here! 

Sheldon: Goodbye peasents. 

Leonard: The b*stard teleported. 

Raj: [looks at Sheldon's screen] He's selling the sword of Azeroth on eBay. 

Leonard: You betrayed us for money? Who are you?!