Thoughts

Anxiety is Not Stress

I tell you I'm anxious.
You laugh and tell me you're stressed too.
That it's okay.
You say
“Just don't be stressed”.
But you don't understand.
You don't understand why
I will wait for 20 minutes for someone else to get up.
Because I can't be the first.
But I will guess until I've finished so I won't be last.
I'll stand and listen to the symphony of vending machines and quiet chatter
Rather than go back alone.
What if I get lost?
Or someone talks to me?
I'd rather stay home than raise my hand.
Because what if I'm wrong?
I'll deal with physical pain rather than interrupt someone
I make myself uncomfortable so others won't have to.
I pick apart my flaws until there's nothing left.
I hate myself for this.
And I hate that I hate myself.
Anxiety is not just stress.
It is not just worry.
It is fear.
Doubt.
Loathing.
Knowing something is irrational
But you can't help it.
You don't understand.
And you can't
Until you hear the voices from your own head
Tell you how awful you are.
How annoying.
How wrong.
Distracting.
Harmful.
Those voices don't go away.
And you can't drown them out.
So next time I tell you I'm anxious
Don't equate it to stress.
Because it is so much worse.