a work of art [meanie]

Chapter 16

!! A TRIGGER WARNING !!

This chapter contains mentions of self-harm, depression, eating disorders and self-hate. Just telling this to warn anyone who might get triggered by those mentions in a way or another.

938 words

Wonwoo stuffs his school books to the chock-full backpack of his, head pounding. His day has been awful so far. At one point Wonwoo was near crying in math class as he was so anxious.

Mingyu is sick, so Wonwoo doesn't have anyone to eat lunch with, or anyone to talk to, which is why he feels so lonely. And the fact that it's midterms isn't helping his mood either.

But the main reason for his crappy day is that he argued with his mother. They haven't argued in a long time, and they don't usually have big fights.

But today morning was different. Wonwoo had overslept a bit, so he was in hurry and didn't have time to eat his breakfast, which naturally angered his mother. She's always complaining that 'you don't eat enough, and that's why you're so skinny'.

And usually Wonwoo doesn't even pay that much attention to his mother's complaints, but today morning he was in a bad mood so he kind of started a fight with her, which eventually led to him saying something horrible he didn't even mean. He shouted 'You're just being too pushy because you don't have anyone else to bother'.

And he regretted it immediately. He hasn't even been able to concentrate on his studies as he feels so horrible.

He knows that it must be really lonely for his mother to live alone with Wonwoo, who rarely ever hangs out with her properly. He started feeling really guilty for not spending enough time with her. She's always busy with work, so she doesn't even get to see her friends that often.

And what's even worse, he knows that it's his fault that his mother is single. Three years ago, Wonwoo came out as a gay to his parents, and his father didn't approve of that. He lost his mind. He started drinking lot of alcohol, started being mean to Wonwoo, throwing all kinds of cold 'jokes', and saying really bad stuff. Wonwoo will always remember how one day his father was drunk (as usual), and he muttered 'that fucking faggot is not my son.'

Her mom of course wasn't okay with how Wonwoo's dad treated him, but she couldn't say anything against someone as strong and scary as Wonwoo's dad.

But then one day Wonwoo's father hit him, and that was too much. Wonwoo's mother and Wonwoo run away. They were both scared of him hurting them, so they just left, and reported him the next day. The investigation was painful, facing his own father in litigation, testifying against his once so loving father.

His mother had made Wonwoo to promise not to feel guilty because of the divorce, since the one who did wrong was his father. She was totally okay with Wonwoo's sexuality, and she's always been really proud of him being able to be truly himself.

But of course Wonwoo couldn't stop thinking that if he somehow was straight, they would still live happily together.

Wonwoo had hated himself so much after coming out. He felt disgusted by himself and his sexuality. He tried to convince himself that he was straight. But as he failed, he hurt himself; he cut and starved himself, killed himself mentally with his violent thoughts. He was pretty depressed.

He kept it going for a year, until his mother noticed the cuts on his wrists. She didn't freak out, didn't send him off to some mental hospital right away. She helped him to deal with his problems, talked with him, showed her sincere care for Wonwoo, and eventually, when Wonwoo was ready and willing to go, she sent Wonwoo to see a psychologist. Wonwoo has always felt thankful towards his mother for how understanding and caring she has been. Hadn't she been there for him, he would not have survived.

And now Wonwoo feels like he's just a burden to her, and to everyone.

_____

The heavy backpack thuds to the floor next to Wonwoo's bed, and Wonwoo falls down on his bed. His head hurts from all the stress and anxiety he's experiencing. He curses himself mentally, as he remembers all the homework he has to do. He doesn't even have enough time to finish all that today, not even if he started right now and stopped only to go to sleep.

His school day was horrible, his few hours at work were even more horrible and now he would have to study before going to sleep for six hours. And what's worst, when he'd wake up the next day it'd all start all over again.

Now that he starts to think about it, he realizes that he's been a bit gloomy these days. He doesn't want to go back to his past, to his old habits of hurting himself. He's scared that he'll get depressed again. He's scared that he won't be able to prevent himself from hurting himself.

Wonwoo feels so helpless, so tired. Tears of frustration blur his vision. He can't help but reach for his phone.

fml

sent, today 19.26

i hate everything

sent, today 19.26

i can't do this anymore

sent, today 19.26

He hates how weak he feels sending those messages to Mingyu, but anything, anything, that could help right now will do. He tries not to regret sending those pathetic messages, but it's difficult not to. He feels like he's an attention seeker.

When he finally - after what feels like forever - feels his phone vibrating in his hands, he unlocks it and opens the chat with Mingyu.

omg what's wrong?

today 19.27

do you want to come over?

today 19.27