TOXIC

Chapter 15

I walk into the dance with James. I look up at him and he smiles. I smile and look at all the people dancing and having fun. James grabs my hand and holds it. I was scared to be here alot had happened today...

*Earlier on in the day*

I dance with James that morning and I can't seem to get the moves. Something is going on outside of dance that I keep thinking about. We finish a move I totally stuffed it up. James looks at me trying to study me. 

"What's going on? You can be honest with me. You know the moves your heads just in another place." he says. I look down at my brace and fiddle around with the Velcro. 

"I find out today what the judge has decided. Is he guilty or not" I explain.

"Oh. He deserves to go to jail for what he did. It wasn't right" he explains. I look down. 

"But it doesn't matter if they think he deserves it. It matters what he said. If he finally thought I should be happy" I say. He looks down and up at me. 

"Lets run it again" he says taking off his grey tank top. I look down at my white tank and decide whether to take it off as well. It was hot in the studio but I was afraid. The last time I had my bruises showing I was frozen in the mirror then ran out. I had a black Nike sports bra on underneath but I wasn't sure I was still ashamed. I lift it up slowly and stand there. He looks at me. 

"You don't have to be ashamed" he says. I smile and look at my stomach with the bruises.

"I'm am afraid to see my struggle. You drop your guard from time to time and you have to be strong always."

"And that's what I like about you" he says and looks in the mirror to get his write movement. "Your strong. You don't have to pretend." he says. I smile. Stefan had said I didn't have to be strong as well but the way James worded it it felt so much better. He didn't think I needed help to get through it. He believed in me./

"Lets get back to rehearsing" I say and stand near him. 

There was this part in the dance where he would hold me and arch my back then lift myself up. He get to that part and he looks at me. Different from how he normally does. He goes in for a kiss and I let him. Our soft lips touch and move together until I pull away. 

"I've got to hit the showers. I have a class in 20."

"Ok" he says.  I nod my head and put my top back on before I walk out. 

--

I hear to voice in my English classroom and one of the people sounded like Hailey so I listen. 

"Tell her" she says.

"I can't. She will hate me. And she has that new guy."

"They aren't anything. There just going to the dance together. Tell her or I will. She deserves to hear your side of the story. You still love her. Right?"

"Oh course I do. How could I not. I can't even hate what she did to me. I love her." he says I smile and walk away. 

----

I walk home with James. He was coming over for a bit to help me with some homework. I couldn't stop thinking about what Stefan said in the classroom and the kiss that had happened between me and James. 

I walk in and mama holds a note. "Can we speak with you Jordan?" 

"You can say it in front of him." I say and look at him. I grab his hand as mama opens the envelope. Stefan comes in and questions what's going on. He looks at me and I look down at mine and James hands. I debate pulling my hand away or not. 

"We are... sorry to say Harry has not been charged for the rape of Jordan Cole. It was been said that the incident between the two of them was continental and agreed to by both parties." I feel tears roll down my face and walk out. I sit on the steps and look at the dirt road. I wipe my face and James comes out. 

"I am so sorry." he says and sits down next to me. 

"Thanks. But nothing every goes my way. It always the other person. Its never me. Why is it so hard for me to be happy?" I say. James stands up and crouches down in front of me.

"You have a family that loves you and creates you great and care about you. You had someone you loved you and he made you happy and you helped him change and he did the same to you. And you have me. I will always be there for you no matter what." he says. I look at him and wipe my face. I look into his eyes and he moves in again. I move in faster and kiss him. My arms wrap around his neck and we just enjoy the moment. For a second I forget about everything else around me.

He pulls away and I look at him. He stands up and holds his arms out wide. I walk into them and he gives me a hug.

*Back to the dance*

... I look over at Hailey and she smiles. I smile back and walk into the middle of the dance floor. I dance with James but look around and see everyone looking at us- even Stefan with his beady eyes. 

"Everyone's looking at us" I whisper in his ear.

"So. Let them" he says.

"I can't concentrate on you if I see all these people focusing there beady eyes on us. Especially Stefan- he's been looking at me weird all day."

"Then go talk to him. Ask him what's up. I'll be here waiting for you. Go." he says. I smile and grab Stefan's arm and drag him out into to hallway.

"Every time I look at you I see you look at me differently. I just want to know why?" I say and look up at him.

"I still love you" he says. I shake my head and sit down. He sits down next to me and I just fiddle with my fingers. I didn't know what to say. How do explain to the person you love you can't be together and you won't. 

"I love you too" I reply. He's face brightens. "But I can't be with you" I say. He face turns pale and he looks at me. I look at him and see the tears starting to form in his eyes. "I can't forgive you" I say.

"I did nothing to you."

"You know. I wanted it to be you that found me there with Harry and you to rock me to sleep every night. I wanted it to be you today to hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok. But it wasn't you. You turned your back on me when I needed you most."

"You cracked it at me for saying you didn't need help and I shouldn't be by your side while you went through this. You made it pretty clear you didn't want my help or me at all."

"I was wrong. Ok I was wrong. I needed you." I yell standing up. 

"Then I'll be there for you. We'll get through it. I love you" he explains standing up

"No. See we can't be together now. Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many time relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they shouldn't be fixed."

"You are all I have. If I don't have you. I have nothing" he says. I shake my head.

"No. You have everything. You had a family that loved you. Friends that care. People that wouldn't dare to hurt you. You have everything I ever wanted" I say.

"But you hurt me even though I still love you" he says. 

"No. We're over for good. Go away" I say. He shakes his head as tears roll down his cheek. 

"I love you!" he yells. 

"Go away" I yell again. He shakes his head again and walks out of the building. I sit back down and wipe my face. James walks out and sits next to me. 

"Hey. I was just wondering. What did those kisses mean?"

"I'm sorry. I can't handle any more stress right now. I like you as a friend."

"I do too" he says. 

"Your not mad?" I ask curious.

"I am a bit. But its true. You can't have any more stress and I would hate to lose you as a friend"

"Thanks" I say and kiss him on the head. It was true what I said I did like him but as a friend. I couldn't date anyone now either. I wasn't ready and I couldn't deal with the stress of hurting one more person.