AWARE (After Allegiant)

Chapter One - Be Brave

Tobias

Her pale body is laying lifeless on the tiled floor. The glow of her supple skin has disappeared, her hair is dull and flat and although her eyelids are shut, I know the stunning sparkle in her eyes is gone. Her hands are protecting a bullet hole in her left abdomen. I crouch beside her and cup my hand to her cheek. I don't care that I'm sitting in a pool of red. Tears start to form in my eyes and I let them fall. I let myself have a few moments of weakness.

"Tris.." I sob. "Why Tris?! Why did you leave me?" Gently I place my hand under her head to look at her face. Her perfect, soft face.

"I love you Tris, please, be brave for me. Come back." She doesn't move, she just lays there, still. Carefully, I pick her heavy, limp body up off the floor and stumble to the infirmary. I don't rush, I know I can't save her this time.

Memories of our time spent together fills my heart with love and loss. I should've been there. I shouldn't have left when I knew she needed me most.

I reach the door of the infirmary, still holding Tris, and see five medics rush over to her, two are rolling a medical bed beside me and the others are snatching Tris out of my arms. A tear rolls down my cheek. Then she's gone.

+++

"She's badly hurt Tobias, she is alive at the moment but she's unconscious. I'm sorry Four but she only has a five percent chance of surviving."

I just nod my head in defeat.

A few hours have passed and finally I see the doctor appear from behind the curtains. She has a sad look on her face, I know she's dead, I can't deny it. The doctor smiles when she sees me, I try and return the favor but I can't.

The look on her face tells me that she knows it's hard for me, that she knows I know what she's going to say. She sits next to me anyway, I don't meet her I eyes.

"Four, I'm sorry." She sighs. "but she's gone."

Even though I knew what she was going to say my heart still sinks. I feel heavy but light at the same time. My head is spinning but my chest ways a ton.

"I know."

My voice comes out croaky and not what I was expecting at all. The doctor places her hand on my shoulder, and squeezes it. I feel a familiar lump in my throat. Don't cry, don't cry.

"C-can I see her?" I ask holding back tears. She looks at me with so much sympathy it annoys me.

"Yes, you may." I stand up and walk over to the curtain. On the bed is Tris. My Tris. She looks even worse than before, dark circles around her eyes and her fingers have a slight tinge of blue to them. I feel an ache in my heart. My fists clench instantly and the need to punch something, someone.

I walk closer to her and stroke her cheeks. I expect her eyes to open at my touch, but they don't. they stay shut.

"Tris, I love you so much, you were so brave." She didn't deserve this, any of it. I was supposed to protect her, that was my job and I failed. I failed her, she deserved better than me, much better. I want to hug her but I know she will be cold, I want to kiss her but I know she won't kiss back.

+++

"Four, you've been sitting here for hours." Christina says from behind me. I jump at the sound of her voice.

"Let someone else say their goodbyes." It doesn't come across as rude. It just makes me realize how selfish I've been these past few hours.

"Sorry, I'll be out in a second." Christina nods and leaves the room silently.

"Goodbye Tris, see you soon." My hands touch her cheeks again, the ones that were once warm and full of color are now cold and pale. Unwillingly, I stand back up and exit the room. I bump into Christina and see tears streaming down her face.

She looked so strong just minutes before.

"Christina, be brave. It's going to be okay." I want to say more but I'm not good at comforting people. It's strange, I don't feel. That sounds stupid but I don't, all I feel is numb.

As I leave the hospital I see David.

I'm suddenly filled with rage. That bastard, he killed the love of my life! He deserves to die, I know he can't remember what he did but that doesn't lessen my hatred for him. I stride up to him. Fists clenched and fuming.

"YOU KILLED HER!" I shout.

"YOU KILLED HER!" I repeat even louder this time. He stiffens in his wheel chair and looks puzzled for a moment.

"I don't know what you're talking about." David replies.

"Don't play stupid with me, you killed Tris!" I see Caleb appear from behind me.

"He doesn't remember Four." Caleb says.

"I don't care if he doesn't remember!" Anger boils within me, I need to let it out. I curl my hands into a fist. And right when I'm about to punch the living day lights out of him pain replaces anger. I feel like I have been stabbed in the chest, it's hard to breathe, the world is spinning and I lose all my strength. It has finally dawned on me.

I collapse.

+++

There she is, shining in the light of the sun, beautiful as ever. I want to join her, be free with her but that's not possible, she's dead. Am I dreaming? How am I able to see her? She walks over to me and crouches beside me. That's when I realize I'm lying down... I must be in my fear landscape, the fear that replaced Marcus. The fear of leaving her behind, alone. She starts to sob and I feel tears soak through my shirt and onto my skin. I want to tell her it's okay, that I'm not really dead but I can't move, I'm paralyzed.

"Tobias, please, Tobias." She continues to sob.

"Why did you leave me?" She wails. I'm right here I haven't gone anywhere, I want to say. But I can't, this is so frustrating. Then she moves from my side and picks up the gun laying on the floor. No Tris, please no! She raises the gun to her head and holds her breath.

"I love you Tobias, see you soon." I want to turn away or close my eyes. I can't, my eyes won't close, my body won't move, all I can do is watch.

I wake up, breathless and sweaty. I'm not in the metal chair I thought I would be in, instead I'm laying in a medical bed. The smell of anesthetic fills my nostrils, making me feel queasy. I hear a distant voice calling my name.

"Four. Four, you there?" It sounds familiar, it's on the tip of my tongue. Wait where am I?

"Where am I?" My voice weaker than usual. The voice surprises me.

"You're in the hospital."

"Why? What happened?"

"You had a heart attack." Zeke it's Zeke's voice!

"ZEKE!" I exclaim. I try to sit up but a shooting pain in my chest stops me.

"I wouldn't try to get up in a hurry mate." Zeke gently pushes me back down.

"But I need to see Tris, she's probably wondering where I am!" I shout. His expression drops into a frown.

"You don't remember..." He says quietly.

"I don't remember what?" I say. What's he hiding from me.

"Tris is dead." He whispers. Now I remember, images make its way back to me. I try to say something but decide to keep my mouth shut.

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