AWARE (After Allegiant)

Chapter Thirty - Physio

Tris

(2 weeks after)

He's okay. Tobias is okay. He's not perfect but he's better. Rehab is part of our daily routine now, Tobias goes in on Wednesday's and Thursday's and I go in with him. His coach is a tall, slender dark skinned man with a muscular build. He would have been in Dauntless for sure, maybe he'd guard the fence.

"Okay good, now bring your legs back up to face the ceiling." He says. Tobias does as he's told, his face twitches every now and then because of the pain. Dalmar, his coach, spots Tobias every time he does a difficult exercise as much as Tobias refuses he does it anyway.

I think about how far we've come, fought so many battles, lost so many and survived all of them. Well he did I can't say the same for myself.

Careless mistakes.

"You're doing great. Ten more and I'll let you outta here."

Tobias keeps on having nightmares. He tosses and turns in his sleep, my feeble attempts to wake him up are useless which hurts me as well as him. He's always saying the same sentence too, every single night.

'Hungry in the dark.'

Tears stream down his cheeks every night and I can't stop it. I can't do anything, I'm so weak and hopeless, I can't even wake someone up. All that training in Dauntless comes to mind. I'm able to knock someone out with a single punch, I can kill someone with one gentle squeeze on a trigger, yet I can't wake someone up.

Every night, while Tobias sleeps I train. I can't sleep and I can't wake him up, he doesn't get up until 8:00 every morning anyways so I spend most of my nights training. Punching bags, split knuckles and that burning in my chest isn't new. The burn in my chest makes me work harder, the split knuckles make me feel powerful and the punching bags let out my anger.

Is it bad that I haven't had I full night sleep in two weeks?

Is it bad that I haven't slept in the last three days?

Is it bad that I don't care?

As I sit on this workbench I can't help but feel the need for action. I don't enjoy sitting here doing nothing when I know people like David, Mathew and Peter are still out there. I feel threatened by them, they scare me and I don't like it.

I like feeling empowered and knowing that I called kill someone with a single bullet. It's horrible I know but I can't help it, war is part of me. It will always be part of me and my craving for adventure and war will only get stronger.

I'm turning into a cold human being.

My desire for death is uncontrollable, I don't want to kill people yet at the same time I crave it like its the only thing keeping me living. I crave for David to die a slow painful death, I crave seeing the light leave Mathews eyes and I crave that feeling of my knife sinking deep into Peter's chest.

You're a killing machine Tris, that's not good.

But they're horrible people that hurt others. They deserve to die, to keep the innocent people safe.

You're just saying that to make your feelings feel less horrible Tris.

Tobias keeps telling me that he knows something bad is about to happen, that he can feel it. He's told me about the voice that reaches into his mind.

For some reason I don't think he's crazy.