The Girl With the Scars

Chapter Thirty-One

I sat on my bed in a black tank top and pajama shorts and scrolled down Tumblr on my laptop. I thought over everything that happened this evening and I guess in some messed up way I deserved that, I left him and he moved on. It was my own fault so there was no point in self pity. I was interrupted from my thoughts when I heard a knock on my door.

“No one’s in here” I shout eating another chip.

“Open the door” I hear Spencer say. He was the last person I wanted to see but then again I do want to know what happened after I had walked out of that room.

I open the door a bit to hint that I didn’t want him coming in but he did anyways, of course.

“Look if you’re here to yell at me more the-“I start but he cuts me off

“Shut up! Just shut up” He yells.

“You never let me explain” He says looking angry and confused. “Why did you come back?” He asks.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t taken back by his forwardness.

“I don’t believe any of that concerns you” I spit back.

“Yes, yes it does Hailey, for once can you just stop thinking about only yourself and realize that the world doesn’t fucking revolve around you!” He yells and as much as his words stabbed me in the gut I kept myself intact.

“You have some nerve saying that to me” I hiss and he chuckles darkly.

“Oh what are you going to do, hurt me? Nothing can hurt me more than when you stood me up” He says and for a moment I saw the hurt flash in his eyes but it was quickly replaced by anger.

“I had to leave” I said looking past him and focusing my stare at the white wall.

“I waited for you, I waited for FIVE DAMN HOURS THAT  NIGHT BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU GAVE UP ON THIS, ON US, I WAITED DAYS, WEEKS FUCKING MONTHS HOPING THAT YOU WOULD COME BACK AND GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE” He yells running his fingers through his curls frustrated.

“Yeah well it wasn’t any easier on me Spencer, but you seemed to have moved on pretty fast” I say and he groans.

“Don’t” He hisses “Don’t make it seem like this was my fault” He finishes.

“Why are you here?” He asks again after a moment of silence.

“I had to come back” I say

“Why? Where were you?” He asks and I feel him breaking my walls down already.

“Just-Just leave me alone please, I’ll leave tomorrow and you won’t have to hear from me ever again” I plead.

“Do you really think that’s what I want?” He asks  giving me a look of pure hatred mixed with pain.

”I don’t know” I say honestly.

“I-I loved you and you left me” He whispered so quiet that I almost didn’t hear him.

My mouth opens but no words come out, I couldn’t form a sentence to explain anything to him.

“But I guess it’s pretty clear you never felt the same” He says and his confession from earlier was still playing over and over again in my mind.

I loved you and you left me

I loved you....loved?

Past tense.

“If you don’t have feelings for me the least you could do is keep your jealousy intact and not abuse my girlfriend” He says emphasizing the last word.  He scoffs and makes his way to my door.

“You’re right, I feel really bad I- I shouldn’t have broke her nose” I say and he looks at me a bit shocked at the almost apology but I continue. 

“I should have done more” I hiss and slammed the door on his face.

*** 

I sat down on the washroom floor and went over the thoughts floating around in my head. I went over them again and again to the point where I was starting to feel more and more insane. I second guessed every little action I had ever taken. I went over every what if and maybe, just maybe my life could have turned out better.

If I had been a good daughter, maybe my mother would have loved me, maybe she would have picked me off the cold tile floor and thrown the razor right out of my hand and she would have told me how proud she’s always been of me and how much she truly loves me.

If I had been a good friend, maybe Jason would be alive right now and he would be with me in my room watching fail YouTube videos. He would be laughing at my stupid jokes and he would tell me that everything would be okay.

Maybe just maybe if I could just end my life right now all this pain that I feel every fucking second of the day would end, it wouldn’t hurt to wake up and curse at the ceiling for another day of hell being brought upon me. I would be able to never feel that weight on my heart every time I had to pretend to smile, cover my scars and go on as if I loved living.

I know life is never supposed to be easy, but it shouldn’t have to be this hard. I shouldn’t be fighting to live everyday while everyone around me never notices a single thing. It feels like I’m screaming and crying but nobody pays even a glance towards the dying girl’s pleas for help.

But maybe this is what my life will always be and this is where I will always be found. Sitting on this cold bathroom floor holding the shiny silver blade in my palm.