The Girl With the Scars

Chapter Thirty-Two

"Depression is like a bruise that never goes away. A bruise in your mind. You just got to be careful not to touch it where it hurts. It's always there, though."

As odd as it may sound, I'm tired of feeling. I wish there was a way to just turn off all my emotions like they could in Vampire Diaries, to not care about anything, and not feel the constant pain of not being good enough and letting someone down.

Letting myself down.

Even after my mother had talked to the doctor who had said I was 'severely depressed' and that I needed medication and therapy she refused to believe anything was wrong. She blamed it on me saying that It was merely a state of mind and that I was choosing to be this messed up. That killing myself was a feeble attempt at capturing attention.

Do you know how that feels? To literally have walked around your home, looking everything over, looking out the window and at the world hoping it would be the last time. Making your way to your kitchen drawer and laying the pills out on the table taking them in one by one, not a single tear shed. Just feeling numb.

1 pill

4 pills

8 pills..

Is this what I want? I ask myself

Is this really the end?

Do I want my mom to be the one to walk in and find her little girl laying dead on kitchen floor. Leave her wondering what she could have done differently, what signs she might have missed. Crying out in the empty home about how stupid she was for not noticing how much her baby was suffering.

I stopped myself from taking any more and had made my way back into my room. The next day I had cleared my locker out so she wouldn't have to, I was making my way out of the school thinking only about the bridge and how cold the water would feel but how good it would feel to be dead and not feel the pain anymore. 

To be free.

That was the day Jason had stopped me. He took me to his house and spent hours trying to mend me. He was there for me, always. But now he was dead. My mom didn't care for me, my scars a reminder of her neglect. No one would really miss me, sure maybe a couple people would shed a tear or two but within a month I would be nothing more than a memory.

Today I'm asking myself the same question, Is this really what I want?

I know most people would say that if you can stop yourself once and have to keep asking yourself if it's what you want, then it most likely isn't. That I was too cowardly to follow through with it. For me life is just an ongoing nightmare that I cant seem to wake up from. Depression just kind of takes over, and you go through life surrounded by people but feeling completely alone.

The inside of my head is a terrible place to be.

I just want to stop feeling for a while, just a minute so I can know how it feels to be "normal".

"Hailey?" Jake says walking into my room.

I look up at him but keep my expression unreadable.

"I come bearing food" He says chuckling and handing me a plate.

"Not hungry" I said pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging them.

"You haven't eaten anything for the past two days Hail, hell you haven't even left your room, you look as pale as can be and honestly you're scaring me, what's wrong?" He asks looking exhausted.

I sigh getting up but feeling dizzy as soon as I stand. Jake rushes to help me and catches me before I fall.

"I'm fine, I'm fine" I whisper trying to balance.

"I'm just tired" I lie.

"Lets go" He says leading me outside.

"What? Where?" I ask as he drags me behind him.

"Do the damn doctor Hailey, look at yourself!" He yells and I flinch.

"I-I'm sorry its just-shit" He says letting out a deep breath.

I feel light headed and start seeing small black dots surfacing everywhere and soon darkness was welcoming me with open arms, the last thing I heard was someone yelling.