Wherever You Are

Chapter 10- Vanilla

*Possible assault trigger warning, it's more of a feelings discussion*

The past couple of weeks had been a complete whirlwind, I went from being terrified of sleeping with Tobin, or anyone for that matter, to being so comfortable with her that I was willing to try anything. Which is new from me, I was previously teased for being too "vanilla" in my bedroom choices, but I think last month quashes that. 

More recently however, preseason for the NWSL season had finished and our first game- Home to Utah Royals was in three days, we had one more session before the game, but it was only going to be light so we didn't start the season exhausted. I didn't mind the lessened workload but I knew next week until mid season would be absolute hell. 

I loved pulling on a Thorns jersey, it felt good, it felt like home, I hadn't felt so at home with a club since I signed here, which is weird considering the length of time I spent elsewhere. I had everything I wanted here, love, football, life. Tobin is so sweet to me, she never let's me sleep upset, she  knows when I need to spend time alone, she's even learning yoga so I have a partner. 

Speaking of, I was so deep in my feelings for her that at times I get myself lost in the  thought of her, when I'm driving, eating, sometimes when I'm playing. She means everything to me. I love her endlessly, even though maybe I didn't tell her enough. She sure made sure I knew that I was loved though.

As if she could read my damn mind, the midfielder appeared from apparent thin air and emerged into the living room, "hey baby," she grinned, plopping her sweaty body down next to me. 

"Ew, gross," I joked, we were constantly sweaty so this isn't so different. 

"I wanted to see you, I miss you," she pouted, leaning over to kiss my cheek. God that woman makes me blush.

"Taking a shower will take five minutes babe, and I saw you before you went for a jog!" I laughed, leaning in the press my lips against hers gently. She smiled back into the kiss and moved away with an infectious grin. 

"Okay then, I'll be back," she groaned, picking up her tired body and moving toward the bathroom. 

I had things on my mind that I wanted to talk about, but I don't know when the right time to bring it up is. She'd always be supportive no matter when I told her, but for some reason I doubt, not even her, I doubt me. Which now that I think about it is stupid, but oh god secrets do bad things to the mind.

I didn't know what to tell her, I wanted to talk to her about things but I didn't have the words. I didn't know how to tell her some nights I still shower with my clothes on, I don't know how to tell her I can't sit in the boot of my car even if we're just watching the stars with blankets, I can't tell her why I don't watch my favourite TV show anymore, I just don't have the words.

I'm at a loss when I think about it, I feel incomplete, missing, different. I just don't know how to bring it up, the words cling to the back of my throat like prickles to a sock. I thought about it often, how to tell her that is. We've discussed it before, but not that it still bothers me. I want her to comfort me, but she doesn't know I'm hurting. I want to be able to discuss things with her, and truly I can, but for now this part remains a constant struggle. It's like my body locks my words away whenever I want to speak, It's not what I want, but it's what I have. 

But I know she's what is best for me, she treats me so good I usually forget the past. Sometimes I feel a little guilty, she's so soft and kind, and I can be so closed off. She brings out the best in me, she's changed how I view life, for the better. I love talking about her, but we can't be totally open with the public, I know why, we all do, but it doesn't make it any better. A small post on instagram of the two of us sparked months of rumors, before we were even a thing. Someone even once found a picture of us sitting on each others laps that was posted on a friends accounts, that fiasco lasted a lifetime. I don't mind lowkey, don't get me wrong, but sometimes it would be nice to be a bit more open.