Swan Song (A Cody Carson Fanfiction)(Completed)

Swan Song - Chapter 17

                  
A lump gets stuck in my throat as more tears burn the surface of my eyes, making my vision worse than it already is. The hands are lying gently in Cody's as his fingers trace the back of mine, his warm, soft touch sending sharp shivers up my back. His baby blue eyes stare back at me looking hopeful and just waiting for my answer. The look I would get if I were to say no, is too heart splitting to think about. Just the light leaving his eyes is too much.

So here I am, standing in front of my once best, best friend from five years ago, soaking wet, tired, angry, emotional just everything. It's like a scene in a movie or waiting for the results from a TV show. The contestants are all tried from all they've been through, all the secrets have been spilt and they just want to see who won and go home. This time, Cody's the contestants and I'm the host, holding all the answers.

It seems like it's only me and him, no cars, no noise, nothing just us. I try to swallow the lump caught in my throat but I can't. It seems to just rise higher and if it does I feel like I'll break down.

What do I do? Let him back in? Shove him away? So many things are at stake, if I say no, I lose the friendship with his band mates, if I say yes, I have Austin to deal with and the moment we had after the concert. I lose either way. I can't ask my dad for help, nor can I ask my mother. I have no one to turn to, the only one that can help me is me and I don't think I can even trust myself.

I can't agree, if I do, it goes against everything I've said. 'No sorry can fix this,' 'A kiss can't fix this,' it just wouldn't make any sense. But I mean if it's what I want, then that doesn't matter right? People swallow their words with poison and do the opposite and end up happy. Can that end the same way with me?

Say yes, it'll be worth it.

My heart says yes but my mind says no and I have to answer before it's too late. I have to pick which one it is, I can't say 'I don't know,' or it'll make everything worse.

Go with your gut.

I could go with my gut, I mean my mother always told me to follow my heart but my dad said to go with your brain. 'Your heart leads you to happiness,' my mother would say. 'Your brain picks the smart choice, sometimes picking happiness isn't the best thing,' my father would say. 

What about my gut? They never said anything about going with my gut, to just follow my instincts. But are my instincts the best choice for this? To be honest, with my head and my heart on different sides, this is the only thing to break the tie.

Biting the inside of my cheek, I take a deep long breath and slowly speak everything on the line.

"I'm sorry Cody I know you want this to work but I-"

"No no Alice please don't say it. Please don't say what you're about to say."

Cody's sudden cut off split my heart right in half. To watch his eyes of hopefulness just disappear into sadness is awful, it's like watching someone slowly die. It made my stomach drop and tears almost made their way out.

He let go of my hands as he paces away from me but makes his way back, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair.

"Cody just listen ok, this is hard enough as it is."

My voice was gentle, soft, and not angry at all. This isn't a time to be angry at him or be hateful towards him. It's a time to actually stop and think of my words, what I will say and how I will say them.  It looks like he's losing it and I don't want to push him, because I know what it's like.

I walk closer to him, moving my head to follow his, trying to get him to look me in the eyes.

"Hey, look at me Cody."