wednesday 20th april 2007
You're mad at me because I didn't come to therapy.
I thought I was finally happy. I thought Josh had changed everything, that I finally had someone to talk to.
I didn't.
The first reason I've been upset is because my own brother betrayed me.
His girlfriend (I found out her name's Samantha.. I wasn't even close) asked to see my book. This is precious, where I can write my thoughts and emotions in a way that won't hurt me.
I walked back in half an hour later to see her laughing, still reading my book. She glared at me, calling me 'emo' and ugly and fat and everything that Cole calls me.
And the second reason?
Turns out Josh, the one who only a day earlier called me strong, is friends with Cole. He doesn't go to our school, but he was there when Cole cornered me after school. He didn't even do anything to stop it.
Carol, these bruises on my face aren't self-inflicted! Why does nobody believe me?!
I'm going to make this a long one because I don't want you to be even angrier at me.
Well... Madison's home again. She brought her boyfriend along but at least I like him, unlike I hate Samantha. Mom still isn't home. Dad's downstairs, drowning himself in alcohol and drugs. Jay's still too young to understand, and I fear for his lungs when he breathes in the second-hand smoke.
I don't like this.
Carol, how could I not see the Joshua would never want to be my friend? That nobody will ever want to be the sad kid's friend.
I'll give him slight credit - I was wearing a hoodie and sunglasses since it was warm, and he never actually joined in when they beat me.
I'm only alive, writing this, because Cole said he wasn't finished with me yet. He was very, very angry after what happened last November.
I went hungry today. And last night. And the night before.
Mom isn't here to cook and, even if she was, Zach would rather us all starve than him do some work. I suppose me or Madison could do it, but Maddie's only fifteen and they all know I'd simply burn myself if I got near a cooker.
Why did I have to jinx it?
I thought everything would be okay, Carol, I was finally believing! I was finally... happy.
I haven't been outside in three days. Maddie and Diego (her boyfriend, I told you this!) invited me to the shops, but I declined. I'd rather sit in my room, listening to music.
I've been crying a lot less. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It could mean Joshua has changed me in a way. Or it could mean I've given up. Again.
Joshua has text me back. I wrote 'hey, this is Tyler from the park'. Pretty simple, but he wrote a whole essay!
He wrote; 'Ty!!! I didn't think you'd text me! Sorry for the late reply, I was out with friends.. How are you?'
I didn't answer him. When he was 'out with friends' it meant 'he was watching an innocent kid get beat up in a corner'.
Somebody just knocked on the door.
I can hear screaming. Oh God, I know I said I hated Zach, but I really need him now. I need him more then ever now.
I think he's wi
