tuesday 7th june 2008
It's been over a year since Tyler was pronounced dead and I'm still writing in this goddamn book.
Me and Zach read through it together when we were in the field after Tyler's funeral. I saw the note he left me and burst into tears.
He's not gone. He CAN'T be gone!
But he is.
He's gone, and he's dead, and he's never coming back!
So why the Hell am I still writing in this book? When he's long gone and rotting 6 feet underground.
I've met a boy - he looks and acts exactly the same as Tyler, it's scary.
I want him, Tyler, and not just in that way. I need him to remind me of you without breaking my heart.
I need him to stay alive, Ty.
I hope Heaven's treating you well because no matter what you say, we all know you're up there. There's no way in Hell you're in, well, Hell.
Have you seen the poem me and your siblings made? Well, me and Zach wrote it. Maddie started sobbing and Jay's too young to write.
I know he's young but that kid is smarter than we give him credit for, Ty. He wants you and though kids shouldn't stop wanting what they can't have, he stops wanting you.
And not in a bad way. He knows it hurts me and Zach and Maddie, so he doesn't say your name. Though he will wake up muttering 'Tyla' or something.
Why did you have to leave me, Ty?
I know things were hard, baby, but we learn to fight them. We learn to train our minds and bodies into not cracking under pressure.
We endure what is endurable and we bear it.
I never said goodbye to you.
I never got to tell how sorry I was, and how I know I've screwed up and I'm sorry, Ty, I'm so sorry!
And I never got to tell you I loved you.
Never. Not once. I'm pretty sure you knew but what if you didn't?
Tyler, I hope you died knowing you were loved because you really were, oh God, were you loved!
Did you think we wouldn't be upset? Did you think we'd get over it?
Nobody really wants to die, Ty, not really. Not really.
Carol quit her job and moved to Australia. Pretty dramatic, but she thought she wasn't suited to be a therapist after what happened with you.
I miss you, Ty.
I'm not saying goodbye because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.
So, see you later, Ty.
I love you.
~ Josh <3 xxx
