Dead Serious

Chapter 2 - The Crazy People

Steve gave me a tour of the place and it was all the same clear blue sky walls and wooden floors. Pictures of men and women adorned the walls, Steve's elders who'd owned the place before him. The place was like a bachelor pad which put the most horrible thoughts into my head. Thankfully though, the room where they kept the bodies was a bit more depressing.

Earlier on I mentioned an unwritten rule about parking cars, and here's another. Any room where coffins sit encasing dead bodies while they await burial or cremation always has to look the same. Purple carpets and magnolia walls filled with strange wooden furnishings. It's always the same.

The lesson here is this: Black isn't the colour of death. Purple and brown is.

I tried to ignore the rows of caskets in the room and look for anything else. There were bookcases everywhere, shelves with urns everywhere and a TV that was so big that it might as well have been everywhere too. The next thing that I noticed was that there were two guys sitting at a small table watching the TV. And not only that, they were watching Friends. Hardly what I would have expected to be put on in a place such as this, but perhaps this was what Steve meant by needing a sense of humour.

"Guys listen up!" Steve called, grabbing their attention straight away. "This is Sam. He's going to be working here now so I want you guys to show him the ropes ok?"

"Sure thing boss" Replied one of the men before turning his attention back to Joey and Chandler.

He was a pretty chubby guy with curly brown hair and at least two chins. Steve informed me that his name was Tom Sanders and he had been there for six years. He began working for Steve when he was eighteen and was the most loyal employee that he had ever had.

The second man was no longer engrossed in the television and he came over to greet me.

"I'm Aaron James" He said giving me a firm handshake. "Don't worry about walrus over there" He said pointing to Tom. "He never gets off his ass for anyone"

I liked this guy instantly. He wasn't rude like Tom or dressed like a cartoon character like Steve. He had short light brown hair which he'd spiked up with just enough hair gel that it looked like it just naturally came that way. He had deep blue eyes and the slightest hint of stubble. He was certainly older than Tom but not by much. And he was very attractive. I'm not afraid to admit it.

Basically, if Steve was looking to hire a complete variety of cast members for his business then he'd done a stellar job. You had those two guys, added to my small shrimpy frame. My hair has way too much volume to style it like Aaron and I'm probably not even a quarter of the size of Tom.

They were both wearing similar suits to Steve but without the ridiculous ties. Suddenly I felt pretty underdressed. If I was to believe everything that I'd seen on TV about funeral parlours, even the deceased would be better dressed than me.

"Aaron here will give you a rundown on what we expect you to do for us here" Steve informed me before leaving us to it.

"What's with his tie?" I had to ask.

"He does that. Don't worry though, when we have customers coming in he dresses in the depressing way that he's supposed to" Aaron shrugged. Despite the fact that I liked him, I was beginning to think that Aaron didn't take this job seriously either. He then began to explain to me what my actual job would be. "Basically we're only here to help out with the funerals we hold. Steve likes to deal with the customers by himself. I don't think he trusts us but that suits me"

"Why?"

"Do you really want to deal with people who're grieving? It's not exactly a bundle of joy. Anyway, we make sure that the bodies are embalmed and dressed up the way the client wants. Other than that we're basically here to give the place a bit of life. Pardon the pun"

"We have two rules here" Tom shouted before approaching us, now that his episode was finished. "Number one, try and have as much fun as possible without Steve catching you. And number two, don't be a dick. Can you do that Samuel?"

"I think so. Definitely the second one at least" I shrugged. I wasn't entirely sure how someone could have fun in a place like this. There was an eerie atmosphere about the place due to all the morbid decorations. But also because there was no music playing. Obviously I wasn't expecting the YMCA to be blaring but even elevators have music.

"You have to agree to both. Otherwise you can't come out with us at the weekends" Tom sighed.

"I had no intention of doing that" I told him, trying not to sound rude. I'd only just met these people so I hadn't exactly made plans to hang out with them.

"Trust me you'll change your mind soon" Aaron grinned. "Spend too long here and you'll need to release. Watching people cry for a living is pretty awful"

"So why do you do it?" I asked.

"It's a job and it pays" He shrugged. I guessed we were all in the same boat.

"So what exactly can I do around here to have fun? Apart from watching TV"

Tom and Aaron shared a conspiratorial glance. I was worried about where this was going.

Tom began by explaining to me the fine art of Coffin Surfing. They would unlock the wheel locks and jump aboard a casket and shuffle their new vehicles along the floor in a race. I couldn't believe it! How disrespectful was that? I'd heard that you weren't supposed to speak ill of the dead but surely using their eternal resting place as a surfboard was worse?

"You guys are insane!" I cried in desperation. Although I'd only met him once, I was tempted to tell Steve. He couldn't continue to employ these people if he knew what really went on.

"Relax kid, he's making that up" Aaron laughed. "We've always spoken about trying it but never actually found the balls, or a legitimate reason to do it. Lighten up man!"

"What is a real thing though, is Casket Shuffle" Tom told me. I knew I'd regret it, but I had to ask him what that was too. "Ok so you know that game you play where you put a ball under a cup and shuffle like three cups around at once and you have to figure out which one the ball is under? It's like that but supersized. We take something like the TV remote and put it one of the coffins and shuffle them about, then the other guy has to find it. Isn't that awesome?"

"No" I shook my head. Apart from the extraordinary effort that it sounded like it'd take, it once again seemed a tad insensitive to me.

"What do you think someone would want while they were waiting to be buried for all eternity?" Tom asked, seemingly reading my mind. "To sit still and be bored out of their ghostly mind or to laugh their phantom ass off at us?"

"Give it time dude. Trust me" Aaron said, patting my shoulder before heading back to the television with his chunky friend. I felt as though I had no choice but to follow them and see what other inappropriate TV shows they were about to unleash on me.