Dead Serious

Chapter 5 - The Girl

Because every story has one right? But don't worry I promise that this is important to the story; but first I need to put something out there.

Any guy will know this but just in case the officer reading this is female, I need to make you understand too. Everything that a man does is always for a girl. Be it directly or not, it's always the case. Whether it's a girl that you know, a girl that you don't know but have a chance to know or a girl you don't know and have absolutely no chance with, it doesn't matter. We're not the soulless beasts that we're often made out to be (not all of us anyway). Do we do stupid stuff sometimes? Definitely. But it's always with good intentions.

Anyway, I was slowly getting used to being at funerals. After all, I'd been at more of them this month then I'd ever previously attended in my 22 year life. Nevertheless, we still needed our after work beers to pick ourselves back up.

On this particular night, I wasn't as drunk as usual but the other two were twice as bad. We seemed to take turns of being the responsible one when we were out and this week was my turn. Steve was spending it with his family again and I was more than a little jealous. You see, being in the state that they were, Tom and Aaron decided that going to a club was a good idea.

So we were standing at the bar under the bright lights that changed colour more often then I changed underwear.

(Obviously that's a metaphor. I love hygiene, as you will soon discover).

"Doesn't Vanessa get annoyed that you're out every weekend with us?" I had to shout so that Aaron could hear me.

"Not at all. She's worried that if I don't do this, I'll come home and tell her all about the dead guys I've been touching all week. Besides it means that she can clean our house up a bit. She doesn't think my cleaning skills are up to scratch" He called back.

"Nothing he does is up to scratch" Tom shouted. "She's one of those chicks that want to rule the man's life. Aaron's a little bitch and does whatever he's told. It's disgusting.

"You ever heard the phrase "happy wife, happy life?"" Aaron asked.

"I have. And its bullshit" Tom told him with certainty. Rather than listen to another one of their fights, I informed them that I had to use the bathroom.

I keep going back to the unwritten rules but that's because they are apparent in every walk of life, not just when it comes to funerals. And one of the unwritten rules about nightclubs is that the bathrooms are always miles away from the bar or the dance floor. No one knows why, they just are. So after I climbed a set of steps reminiscent of Machu Picchu, and then walked along a corridor the length of the Brooklyn bridge and then down another set of stairs that went further down than Niagara Falls, I finally made it to the restroom. And yes I went to all of those places on my travels too.

Now this is where the girl comes in. And it wasn't one of those "Meet-Cute" things you see on TV or read about in books. This was the exact opposite.

I was standing at the urinal, minding my own private business when I heard the door opening. Obviously that's nothing new but because I'd had a few drinks, I turned my head to look and see what lovely gentleman was going to join me. Except that there was no gentleman. I turned round and saw her! The girl! Due to the fact that I was standing at the urinal, it was clear that I was in the right place and she wasn't but I was still the one to panic.

"Aaaahh!" I cried. Jumping up, somehow altered my body position so that I was now facing her, whilst still peeing all over the floor.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" She cried, shielding her eyes. She could hide them as much as she wanted, there was no way she didn't see my little dude.