Dead Serious

Chapter 9 - The Plan

Despite how well my personal life seemed to be going, Christian's new home was finally starting to affect us, both financially and mentally. We were bored out of our minds at work and no matter what were on TV, we didn't find it funny in the slightest. This led to the incredible rare occurrence where we were all actually a little bit excited to host a funeral.

Our job for today was to pick up a coffin from an apartment in the centre of town and take him to the church. Normally bodies were kept with us but once we'd fixed this guy up, the family wanted him back until the funeral. Easily the creepiest thing I've ever heard of in my life.

Anyway, I didn't know any better but once Steve told us that he was getting picked up from Main Street Kent, but both Tom and Aaron both yelled "Fuck!" at exactly the same time.

I later found out that this was the busiest street in town and it was nearly impossible to get parked on, particularly on a Saturday morning. As you can imagine, collecting a coffin isn't exactly a two minute job so we'd need to find a decent spot or risk blocking the street.

We left early, with Steve and Aaron taking the hearse and Tom and I following closely behind in the non coffin car. Luckily the hearse got parked right outside the apartment but we didn't. We thought about just heading to the church but thought it best to wait and see if the other two needed help to load the death box into the car. So we sat idly, blocking half of the road but cars could still overtake us so it wasn't quite the end of the world.

"Man how did such an old guy get an apartment here?" Tom asked. Not sure if I was supposed to answer or not, I simply shrugged. "How the fuck did he climb the stairs?"

"Maybe there's an elevator?" I suggested.

"Good point Sam. You're smarter than you look" He told me. If that was considered intelligent then I must really look like an idiot.

"Are you sure they're going to manage to carry this guy all the way down the stairs?" I asked. He was three floors up.

"Pretty sure. Like 50%. If they need help we'll know by the anguished screams of someone getting flattened by a coffin" He said, sounding like he was somewhere else.

Just then, we heard a loud horn noise coming from behind us, and not just once. We looked round to see some guy in a huge Audi car honking at us and giving us the finger.

"What's this guy's problem?" I asked, although I wasn't sure why. It was pretty obvious that he wanted us to move out of the way.

"Just overtake us you idiot!" Tom yelled to him. Normally Tom's temper was a problem but today I felt that he was completely justified. There was nothing coming the other way so the guy could easily get past us, but instead he kept honking and waving for us to move.

"He's not getting the hint" I muttered.

"Jackass. Can't he tell what we're here for? It's pretty clear we're not here for the fucking view!"

The guy still hadn't figured it out, and now started shouting at us.

"Get out of the fucking way you fat bastard!" He yelled.

"I think he's talking to you" Tom joked to me before sticking his head out of the window in order to yell back.

"Either go past us or wait you piece of shit!"

The shouting match continued, with the language getting even worse, until Steve and Aaron finally emerged with the casket.

"Come on, let's go help them out" Tom told me before exiting the car. It was the fastest I'd ever seen him move.