Alright. Allow me to set the scene. Saturday. Early afternoon. Burger King. Fluffy is getting pumped. Kayd is laughing his ass off. I'm giving back slaps to Fluffy at regular intervals.
'What's going on?' You ask?
Fluffy is preparing to ask for a girl's number.
"Bro, are you sure you can do this?" I asked, taking a sip of my Mountain Dew.
"Bro, I was born ready. All I need are some battle tactics!"
"Okay," Kayd said. "She has two friends. We have to figure out how to get them to leave."
"I'll jizz in their eyes," Fluffy decided, receiving a knock on the head shortly after.
"Homeslice, I don't think that's a good option."
"What the fuck is a homeslice?" Asked the always negative Kayd.
"It's like homie but better," I explained.
"How about I send her a drink?" Fluffy stood up. "I'll get her their finest Mountain Dew," he said with a wink before Kayd told him to sit the fuck down.
"Mountain Dew won't help for shit," I said. "But I think I know someone that will."
At that moment, I noticed Sage walking past the restaurant.
"I'll be right back, gents," I said as I stood up and dashed away from the table.
"Sage," I hollered, barely catching him before he turned the corner.
"Hmm?"
"Sage, bro, I need some help."
"Ayt, what's the problem, nigga?"
"Well, we're trying to hook Fluffy up with some girl but she has two friends that we need to get rid of as well as the fact that Fluffy doesn't smooth talk. He sandpaper talks."
"Hold up. She white or black?"
"She's white but does it really matter?" I asked, scratching my head.
"Yeah, cause I know shit about them girls," he explained. "Try pick-up lines. I think they love that cheesy shit."
"Seriously? That's all the King Player has?"
"Bruh, I'm not a player but yeah, that's all."
"Thanks," I said with a sigh, turning away to return to my seat at the restaurant.
"Okay, guys, the only thing I could get out of Sage was that we have to use all the pick-up lines man has ever made."
With that, we set forth brainstorming every pick-up line the each of us had ever learnt.
'You can fall in a hole, you can fall in a tree but the best way to fall is in love with me.'
'Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.'
'I lost my number so can I have yours?'
After 7 minutes of prep, Fluffy was ready. Kayd and I stood up, drinks in hand and prepared to initiate the plan.
We casually strolled over to the table at which the ladies were situated, pretending to have casual conversation as we treaded along. We then both pretended to trip when we got near the ladies' table and spilt as much Mountain Dew as possible on the two friends' outfits.
NAILED IT!
Now the rest was all up to Fluffy. As Kayd and I apologised and ushered the ladies to the bathroom (obviously not entering along with them), Fluffy took flight.
He walked over to the young lady as Kayd and I watched from the view outside the bathroom.
'Be smooth, Fluffy, be smooth!' I thought to myself.
The two sat there in conversation. The longer the conversation lasted, the more distaste the girl seemed to build up against Fluffy.
For 2 minutes, he tried his best (we hoped) before we had to return to the table, following his example. The three of us sat down simultaneously and Kayd and I then waited for his report.
Fluffy then began to tell us of his conversation with the girl:
Fluffy: Hey, are you a fan of good sex?
Her: What the fuck? No!
Fluffy: Wait, no, that wasn't right! Hey, you know, you're outfit looks amazing.
Her: I know.
Fluffy: Why don't you try shopping in my bedroom? All clothes are 100% off.
Her: Go take a long walk off a short pier.
Fluffy: The pier isn't the only short thing. *wink* Wait! Fuck! I meant long.
Her: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Fluffy: Are you wearing space pants? Cause, girl, dat ass is outta this world!
Her: Firstly, I'm sitting down so you can't possibly have seen my ass. Secondly, I'm actually wearing baseball pants cause I'm out of your league.
Fluffy: Mm, so feisty. You're destined to have my babies.
Her: In which one of your dreams is that?
Fluffy: Ssshhh, just accept it.
Her: Please can you get out of my sight?
Fluffy: You're always in mine.
Her: I swear I will get a fucking restraining order against you.
Fluffy: But we're meant to be!
Her: You're meant to be going back to your table. Bye!
"That's possibly the saddest thing I've ever heard," I said. "You literally didn't use a single line that we taught you."
"When the mission is at hand, no act is off limits. I pretty much forgot everything and had to wing it."
"Tristan... you fucking disgrace," Kayd said after facepalming himself on a legendary level.
"I think maybe I'll just stick to eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew..."
