Before Killing Was Cool ➊ FRERARD

27: Waiting On A Car Crash Ending

C h a p t e r | T w e n t y - S e v e n

Present Day - Frank

"Frank, what are we doing all the way out here?" Gerard's door swings open as he steps out into the cornfield beside me by the road. "Is this where you'll bury me so they won't find me?"

"Don't joke about that," I rebuke him, trying to cover up how badly my voice is shaking.

We're about ten miles from Ray's house, surrounded by fields of golden crops. Today is the day I decide to do this, to chase after the dream I've wanted for so long and ask him to marry me. It is completely and utterly ridiculous and I won't even be offended if he throws this proposal back in my face and runs for the hills, but the difference now is that I would allow him to feel that outrage. He has every right to say no and I'm not sure what to expect.

It would make all the stars in my own little universe align, maybe make peace in my thoughts. Of course, as Ray pointed out, it wouldn't be an official marriage since that wouldn't be possible to do without coming out of hiding and that can never happen. The notion makes me more than a little remorseful that we met the way we did - when I pointed that gun at his brother and ended up throwing him in a getaway car in chains, resenting and beating him for so long - because maybe I could have taken him on a date. Maybe we could have had a normal life together. I would have liked that.

You can't change the past, though, so here I am, hoping that what I've got in mind is enough. It will be more of a metaphorical gesture, and maybe he'll see that when I buy a ring, it could be a worn as a promise just as much as an eternity together. We don't need white frilly dresses or priests letting us kiss on command, a string quartet in the background or rows and rows of seats for our crappy or non-existent families. It only has to be the two of us now and I hope he'll agree. My uncertainty shows on my face.

Of course he sees right through me. "Frankie?" His fingers intertwine with mine, and I watch our hands together like it's the most fascinating thing in the world.

I quickly shake my head and let go of his hand, disappearing into the field to get my emotions under control. I distance myself from him when I see his confusion.

The look on his face is of rejection. "What are you doing?"

"I need to tell you something." I say hesitantly and he stares at me like I'm an alien.

"If you're going to break up with me, there's no need to do it in a cornfield." He snaps.

God, I would never do that, who does he think I am? I just need to come out with it already and stop being so scared. It's meant to be and my worst anticipations aren't going to come true.

"What makes you think I'm going to break up with you?" I cry. "I love you." I want to move to kiss him but find myself rooted to the spot.

Gerard is like a deer caught in headlights, sensing my own dread and projecting it onto himself. I would be terrified if I were him. The sun is up but what's to say I need permission of the dark to do something horrific? Maybe that's what he expects me to do.

"Has someone seen us? Are the cops coming; did Ray or Bob call them?" He blanches and moves back until his back touches the car. "A-Are you letting me go?"

"No!" Damn it, Frank, just say it already!

"Then what is it?" He's really panicking now.

I can't. I can't do it, what if I mess everything up? What if he never forgives me for taking things this step too far? What if he's mad I don't have a diamond ring? No, I know Gerard is not a materialistic person and he'll understand in these circumstances, robbing a jewellery store isn't all that straightforward. But will he understand why I'm asking him this question today?