Vampire Academy: Dimitri's Point of View

Accepting Reality

Vasilisa, Christian, and Rose were taken to the academy clinic for the night. While Rose was still unconscious, Dr. Olendzki believed it was from exhaustion more than anything else and she would be fine within a day or two. It was a similar story for Lissa, though she had already woken up long enough to give an official statement. Christian also gave a statement.
The rest of the team had cleaned up the scene at Prince Victor's cabin and escorted the captured suspects to the small and rarely used detention center on campus. It was older, and only had three cells, but there was rarely a need for one cell, much less all three. Victor was being kept in the smaller but more private cell apart from the other suspects down the hall. Not only did this keep him from conspiring with the others, it also kept him out of earshot of his daughter Natalie who had been holding a near constant vigil outside the center.
I felt and odd conflict of emotion for the young girl. She was heavily involved in many aspects leading up to the kidnapping, much more than I would have initially expected when we questioned her. She was primarily responsible for killing and placing the animals that tormented Lissa, and when that wasn't enough to persuade Lissa to heal, she used magic to rot the bench which broke Rose's ankle. I also suspected that it was either her or Spiridon that had tipped Victor off to the less than conventional relationship between Rose and I, though that fact never came to light. As much as I despised her actions, I also could see that she was heavily manipulated. From what I had seen on the mall outing only a few weeks ago, Natalie would do nearly anything to gain the attention and acceptance of her father. He was the mastermind, she was simply another pawn. For that, I pitied her.
That by no means meant that she didn't deserve some form of punishment for her actions, especially when they had hurt so many. We had no room left to place her in one of the detention cells, so until a representative from the Court Justice Department could take her and the others back for disciplinary action, she was under 24 hour guard.
I visited Rose in the clinic while she was unconscious, but when I heard that she had woken up and given her statement, I couldn't bring myself to see her. I knew that I needed to talk to her eventually, but it became harder to do so as each day passed. I avoided her and canceled our practices under the guise of finishing up paperwork. It was a cowardice excuse, but I wasn't ready to face her.
Part of the difficulty was that I wasn't sure how to approach the subject of what had transpired between us. Some lines were easy to draw. What had happened in my room was wrong and could not happen again. The memories haunted me.
After we had returned home from the rescue and I had been seen for a few minor injuries, I was ready to pass out and try to forget everything until morning. My plan had been turned completely on it's head when I walked in to my room and found Roza's shoes kicked off near the edge of my bed. The sheets were still rumpled from our encounter and I ended up eventually sleeping on the floor when the memory of her naked beneath me became too much for me to handle. The scent of her shampoo still lingered on my pillow, but it was unclear if that made things better or worse that night.
While it was easy to see that our actions that night – compelled or not – were unacceptable, there were a few other clear lines in the sand. Kissing her and any other physical form of affection was off the table, no matter how small. The same went for opening up to her emotionally. I had allowed myself to become much more personal with her than I ever should have. While the companionship had felt nice, the end result was disastrous. I should have kept things more professional and never overstepped that mentor boundary. I was there to train her, nothing else.
Trainings...that line was unclear. I honestly didn't know if I could continue training her, but I wasn't sure what that meant for us. I don't mean us together, but individually. Rose still hadn't quite caught up to her classmates and since our extra trainings were a large condition of her enrollment and graduation, I wasn't sure that she would be allowed to stay without them. You would think that her involvement during Princess Vasilisa's rescue would be more than enough to secure her stay, but Headmistress Kirova may still be looking for any excuse to get rid of her. Refusing to train her – or worse, finding out why I was refusing to train her – would result in her expulsion. I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't be the reason her career was ruined before it ever started.
At the same time, I couldn't sacrifice my own career either. It was selfish, but I didn't want to damage my own reputation or position that I had worked hard for. Revealing my indiscretion with Rose would do both. Refusing to continue our trainings and asking for a transfer would also. Not only would that bring up difficult questions, it would also mean losing my job as Lissa's primary guardian. Such as position was almost unheard of for someone as young as I was. My pride didn't want to let go of that. However, that also meant staying close to Rose, who was even more likely to become her guardian after graduation now that their bond was becoming more well known. If it was difficult to be near her now, what would happen in the future?
On the fourth day after the rescue, my decision was made for me. I had been at the official debriefing earlier that day. The statements from Rose, Vasilisa, and Christian were discussed as well as the eye witness accounts of several guardians, including myself. We not only talked about what Prince Victor had done, but why he had done it. He had already confessed that he tortured Lissa to get her to heal him. Her healing power became common knowledge among the administration, as did the reason behind Rose and Lissa's bond. Many were still skeptical about the use of "Spirit" as it was now called, but most were convinced after Vasilisa offered a live demonstration and healed a small cut on my arm.
Even though Victor's confession should have made this a fairly open-and-shut case, it was clear to me that it would be a long process. Between Victor's standing as a well known and titled Royal, the discovery of a new element of Magic that hasn't been recognized in decades, and several other challenging facets, it would be months or perhaps years before a final verdict would be given. While I would surely need to give testimony once or twice more, I was glad that my role in all this was over for the most part. I was even more grateful that Rose and the other students involved wouldn't be burdened any longer.
Once the debriefing was over, I made my way to the gym. I had a few hours before my evening shift, and since classes were out for the day, I was fairly certain I would have the place to myself. I was only there about ten minutes before I heard the doors swing open. I automatically turned towards the unexpected sound, only to be shocked still as Rose walked in. It took her a second to notice me, but when she did, I felt sick to my stomach.
She didn't look at me with anger, or annoyance, or happiness, or even hope. Any of those would have been somewhat expected. What I didn't expect was for her to look at me with hesitance. Perhaps even fear. She was afraid of me, and after what I had nearly done to her, I didn't blame her. Her shock and fear was soon masked, but I knew I had seen it, and I knew what I had to do. I shouldn't be around her anymore, especially if I made her uncomfortable. I needed to fall on the sword, so to speak. I was older than her and responsible for her, I was the one that should have stopped whatever was forming between us long ago. I would sacrifice my career for her. I wasn't sure what the fall out would entail for me, but I knew that this was the one way that I would ensure all the blame for our actions and she would be able to continue her life without much struggle.
She was still frozen in place as I walked towards her slowly. I wasn't sure how close she would allow me to come, but I couldn't afford for us to be overheard either. She didn't step away from me. In fact, she looked more surprised than sacred by my advances. For one brief moment, I wondered if I had misinterpreted the look that I had seen just moments before. Perhaps she was only surprised to see me after I had been avoiding her.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself that it didn't matter. There was no way that we could continue on after what had happened, and I was the one who should shoulder the blame for it. Even before falling prey to the lust charm, I had allowed things to go too far. I would pay the price, not her.
"Rose, you need to report what happened. With us."
She looked confused for a second as she soaked in what I was asking her to do. It wasn't long though before she started shaking her head in protest. "I can't do that," she insisted. "They'll fire you. Or worse."
"They should fire me. What I did was wrong."
"You couldn't help it. It was the spell..."
"It doesn't matter." I cut her off a bit more harshly than I meant to, and I saw her wince slightly. I hated seeing her like this around me, knowing that it was my fault. "I was wrong," I continued. "And stupid."
I'm an idiot, I thought as I watched her try to hide her eyes from me, biting her lip and turning away. I fought the urge to comfort her, then chastised myself for having that urge in the first place. How did I let things get so out of hand?
After a moment, she spoke again, not quite looking at me. "Look, it's not a big deal."
"It is a big deal! I took advantage of you!" I could hear my voice raising slightly, not because I was mad at her, but because I was mad at myself. Sure, I was annoyed that she was downplaying the horror of what I had almost done, but I knew that was partly because of her own insecurity. She was used to being seen and treated as nothing more than a piece of meat to guys. Most didn't care one bit about how amazing she really was, they just wanted to use her. I hadn't treated her any better.
"No. You didn't." She spoke firmly, as if she was trying to reassure me.
Perhaps I hadn't taken complete advantage of her that night, and perhaps I could be offered some mercy because of the charm, but she didn't understand that I had been willing to. That wasn't something created by the charm. Somewhere inside of me, I had wanted to be with her. If I was truly honest with myself...I still did. I wanted her to know how much I really cared about her, to tell her verbally and to show her physically. Maybe under different circumstances it would have been possible, but fate wasn't kind to us.
"Rose, I'm seven years older than you. In ten years, that won't mean so much, but for now, it's huge. I'm an adult. You're a child."
I saw her flinch at my use of the word 'child' and was about to clarify that I only meant it legally. However, her anger beat me to the punch.
"You didn't seem to think I was a child when you were all over me."
I flinched this time. The way she said it was so vulgar and demeaning to how I actually felt about her, but I couldn't correct her because she was right. I hadn't treated her with the respect she deserved that night. I didn't treat her like a child, but I also didn't treat her like the remarkable young woman she really was.
"Just because your body...well, that doesn't make you an adult." Dang, that's not what I was trying to say. I tried to start over again. "We're in two very different places. I've been out in the world. I've been on my own. I've killed, Rose – people, not animals..."
Spiridon's death was still hanging over me like a dark shadow. Even though he had been willing to kill me, taking his life was worse than I could have ever imagined. It was the first time I had killed someone with a soul...and I wasn't entirely sure if or when I would recover from that. I longed for the innocence she still could enjoy. I couldn't take that from her.
"...You're just starting out," I stated wistfully. One day her life would be full of death and guilt, but for now she could still enjoy the closest thing to normalcy we could ever hope for. "Your life is about homework, and dances, and clothes."
"That's all you think I care about?" She was upset, and I understood why. I made it sound much more belittling than I had meant it. Of course she wouldn't understand. How could she?
"No, of course not." I tried to reassure her. "Not entirely. But it's a part of your world. You're still growing up and figuring out who you are and what's important. You need to keep doing that."
I saw the next few months of her life flash before me. I could see her laughing with friends. I could see her enjoying the challenge of her combat classes without the risk of death. I could even see her dating someone and succumbing to the joys of a first love. Perhaps even with Mason. I knew he was a good guy and had feelings for her. I knew he would treat her with the respect she deserved. Even though I wasn't allowed to care for her, there was a small bittersweet comfort in knowing that she would still be cared for. As hard as it was, I admitted that to her; "You need to be with guys your own age."
She didn't say anything for a long time. She just stared at me. She looked just as lost as I was in all this. I felt horrible for putting her in this position and I hated the thought of abandoning her to deal with the aftermath on her own. I still felt responsible, and part of me still wanted her to report me so I could atone for my actions, but there was another part of me that wanted to still be there for her when she needed me.
Finally, I broke the steady silence. "Even if you choose not to tell, you need to understand that it was a mistake. It isn't ever going to happen again."
She looked hurt, but I could already see her grasping for an explanation she could argue away with her twisted logic that always made the ridiculous seem reasonable. "Because you're too old for me? Because it isn't responsible?"
I knew I couldn't leave a shred of hope between us and chose my next words carefully. For a moment, I was grateful that she didn't understand how the charm worked between us. It allowed me to lie to her. I did everything I could to remove any trace of emotion from my face, knowing that I would be lost if my inner feelings betrayed me.
"No. Because I'm just not interested in you in that way."
She looked as if I had slapped her. I almost broke when I recognized her expression. It was the same one my mother had worn when my father beat her. Even through the pain and hurt, I could see her devotion to me. There was a pleading shadow in her eye that kept asking me the same question: why? It killed me to know that I had the power to hurt her like this, but perhaps I was more like my father than I cared to admit because I continued, "It only happened because of the spell. Do you understand?"
I could see it; the humiliation, the heartbreak, and the self doubt that followed. I had seen it all before in my mother. I was supposed to take care of her. Instead, I had broken her. And just like my mother always had, she hardened herself and braced for the next round of punishment. Punishment that came from me. She met my eyes, just barely holding back her own emotions, and spoke with a thin veil of confidence to hide her wounds. "Yeah. Understood."
As she walked away from me and out the door, I was certain that things between us would never be the same. Sure, from the outside things would seem fairly normal. I doubted that she would actually report me, and I would continue to train her like I had promised. I owed her that much. Still, I knew that I would never see her look at me like she had that night. It was the same look that I had momentarily seen at other times. I didn't dare give it a name, but I knew the way it made me feel and I knew that I would miss it. I may not receive the punishment I deserved under the law, but seeing her everyday and knowing that we could never be the same would be punishment enough.
It just so happened that I was scheduled to guard the female dhampir dorms for the night. I spent the first part of my shift roaming the more populated areas of the building, but an hour or so after curfew, my feet led me past a door I only knew too well. I was tempted to walk by. I knew I should. I needed to distance myself from Rose for both of our sakes.
But I couldn't. Not when I heard the soft noises coming from inside. I pressed my ear against door and the muffled tears became clear. It wasn't the first time I had heard her crying behind the privacy of closed doors, but it was the first time I knew her tears were shed because of me. I had no right to comfort her when I was the one that had hurt her in the first place. That didn't mean I would abandon her though.
I sank to the floor, leaning against the wall next to her door and just sat there until my shift ended. I sat with her until she fell asleep. I sat there thinking about everything I really wanted to tell her. I sat there imagining what our lives could have been like if we had drawn different cards: if I had never come to the academy, if she was just a few years older, if we weren't sworn to protect at the cost of our own lives. It was a useless game. All the wishing in the world wouldn't change things. Accepting reality was hard, but I hoped that one day it would get easier.
All the while, she never knew that I was there for her, just a few feet away. Even though our relationship had to change, one thing I knew for certain: I would always be there for her.