Reaching Infinity

September 6, 2013

I am writing to you today because I feel alone. I’m not alone but I feel it. Can you understand that? It is like everything has changed and its not for the better anymore. Waverly said that High School is better. Its not. At least, not for me. 

Since school started, Jaimie dyed her hair black and Danielle never takes off her headphones. Waverly and Austin broke up and Charlotte found a crush. Caroline made a new German friend. People are breaking apart. 

I went to a football game today. It was after XC. I was smiling and happy. I told Waverly I would do her make up to make Austin jealous. I did Charlotte’s as well. She wanted to impress her crush. Then there was me. When we got there, I was alright. But slowly, I started to feel emptier. Two reasons caused it. The first was that I kept looking at the gate, then around the field. I was looking for a face that wasn’t there anymore. I would look from that spot and realize that that was where I had always looked for Jordyn. Then, I saw the cross. It had names painted all over it. It was sprayed onto the field. A tribute of sorts. So, I left the bleachers. I walked around for a minute, alone. I thought about how strange it all was. Nothing was the same and it never would be. The name on the field would never throw a football at my head again. He wasn’t there anymore. That was when I started to cry. Then, I called my dad. He came to get me. I lasted around an hour. I’m crying now. I feel empty inside. Like there is nothing. There is another vigil on Sunday. They just keep bringing it up. Jordyn isn’t here to make it all better either. 

Have you ever heard the phrase “you never know how great something is until its gone?” The other phrase I feel is from my old physics text book. “The first and tallest hill on a roller coaster will be the highest point in the ride. You will never be that high on it again.” I hit the highest point. Now I feel like I’m just rushing downhill. Gravity is tugging at me and I can’t hold myself up. I just want to stop. I want the old world back. I can’t have that though. I want people at school to stop bringing up our dead friend. I want people to stop asking if Jordyn and I are still dating. I want to stop hearing whispers. 

I made a friend recently. He is popular. He only talks to me over text. Sometimes he says hi when we are the only people in the stairwell. I wonder what I mean to him. 

I made a wish on my way home. I saw one star. I wished that our friend was alive and my friends would be happy. I wished that people would stop giving me the pitying look while they say “long distance.” I wished that Charlotte would get to date her crush. And I wished that Waverly would get what she needed. I wished away all of our troubles. In that moment, I realized just how important that one star was to me. It was holding my dreams and wishes. That star was my hope. It was a symbol of happiness. Thats when I thought, we are strong. We’ve made it this far. It can’t get any worse. For that moment, watching that little light poking out of the darkness, I didn’t think that it actually COULD get worse. I thought that maybe there was a light to this darkness too.

I kept that in mind when my mother yelled at me again. She has been yelling more than usual lately. I think she might actually hate me now. She will go days without a glance towards me and then suddenly scream about nothing. She isn’t happy. I know we are supposed to look up to and love our parents. I just don’t want to be like that. I wanted to be the light in the darkness.

I recently started reading the Perks again. The past few times I’ve read it, I’ve highlighted parts that are important to me. The thing is, after I’ve colored them, I forget them. 

Love Always,

Quinn