Secrets are my Sanity

Chapter 12

A little taste of hypocrisy

and I’m left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react. –With you.

Chapter 12

It was dark now, the stars hanging high in the shy as Nick sat there alone. He wasn’t all that surprised when he felt someone sit next to him and saw Julienne. She always knew he liked to go to the park to clear his mind. “What brings you by?” as far as he knew they didn’t have any plans.

“You know why.”

He suspected it when she first arrived. “You went by the apartment and Shane told you something, didn’t he?” he asked, his voice full of defeat.

“You kissed him and he wanted me to tell him why but I didn’t. I pretended I didn’t know why you would do such a thing. I even told him you were into girls.”

Nick laughed and the chuckles turned into cries. “I fucked up but I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to know what it’d be like to kiss him.” it all came down to his selfishness, his refused to go another minute without knowing the taste of his mouth, even knowing the consequences that were bound to follow.

“Just talk to him Nick, explain what you feel.”

“No! That’s the last thing I can do.” He sighed and dried his cheeks. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Fine but he’s worried about you. You’re going to have to go home and come up with something.” Julienne said before agreeing to his wishes and dropping the subject. “It’s pretty late but McDonald’s is open, you want to get something to eat? Maybe a smoothie?”

He felt like crying again, sometimes he really didn’t deserve a friend like her. “Yeah.” He wasn’t ready to go back home, he wanted to go when he was sure Shane would be asleep.

Together they left in his car; he wasn’t sure how she got to the park because he knew she didn’t drive. After killing an hour at the fast food restaurant and nervously eating more then he should he drove her home knowing she had some early classes. He thanked her over and over for being such an awesome friend then slowly drove back to his apartment.

Nick wanted to kill as much time as possible so he took the stairs, one step for every other minute. It was past two o’clock that morning when he unlocked the door and stepped inside. He successfully made it to his room without running into Shane, like he hoped he was asleep.

He took off his shoes and jeans then climbed into bed.

Shane was awake first that morning, he knew that after peaking into Nick’s room and seeing him passed out on the bed. The same way he slept on the floor was the same way he slept in bed, his limbs all over the place. Shane was a little mad he waited so late to come home all to avoid him but he was happy to see he was alright. After glancing at the clock Shane decided to wake him up, his class was in twenty minutes.

“Nick, you’re going to be late.” Shane shook his shoulder a few times.

“Not going.” Nick mumbled, still asleep.

“Good then we can talk.” Shane was losing his temper as he saw Nick was asleep and ignoring him. It was no surprise Nick was tired since he got in a few hours ago. Shane refused to be the nice guy and leave him alone, being a nice guy was getting him nowhere. He ran his hand under Nick’s shirt and across his back then his chest. Nick shot upright in bed, his green eyes wide and a little scared. “We need to talk.” Shane said again, his anger front and center.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Yes there is, you were using my mouth so yeah I want answers. Why did you kiss me?” He wanted to know, he needed to know. He barely slept last night wondering what Nick was feeling, if this was all just some stupid game.

Nick shrugged. “It didn’t mean anything.” If he was trying to hurt Shane he was doing a great job at it. “I was bored and curious I guess but it meant nothing so there case closed.” He got up, trying to run away again.

Shane wasn’t letting him go and blocked his way. “You’re a liar.” The reasonable part of his soul knew Nick wasn’t ready to admit the truth, he wasn’t ready to accept being different and needed time but he also didn’t care. He was hurting and wanted him to know it.

“Move.” Nick growled.

Shane wasn’t ready to let it go and enter Nick’s pretend land where the kiss never happened. Shane moved over to the door, closed it then leaned back against it. “Now what?” they stared at each other both too stubborn to cave and actually talk about this. Shane left his shoulders fall from their tense position. “I could help you.”

“With what?” Nick looked angry but his voice was small.

“Figure out what you’re feeling….why you’d kiss me.”

Nick shook his head with fast jerky movements. “No.”

“Because you already have it all figure out but you’re just not willing to admit it.” Shane said softly as all his anger faded and was replaced with sadness.

“I’m not gay.” Nick was defensive.

“Sure, me either I just have sex with guys because I’m bored.”

Nick’s eyes grew wide with shock and Shane felt like laughing, he would’ve if he wasn’t so upset. “You’re wrong.”

“Ok,” Shane pushed off the door and opened it. “We can play it like that and pretend nothing ever happened.” his voice was condescending as he left and went back to his room.

Shane slammed the door and started pacing his room, it was still too early to get ready for school but he was too upset to actually try to lay back down.

His anger returned with new force, he was suddenly furious at Nick for doing this to him for making him feel some hope where there was none. Why couldn’t they just have stayed friends, why did he have to open this door then harshly slam it in his face?

Blinding anger turned into tears and Shane moved and sat on the bed.

The last boyfriend he had was Scott almost a year ago, he went on dates and here there since but nothing serious. His huge mistake with Scott still burned him and he wasn’t ready to let someone in. But the problem was with Nick he had let him in from the beginning as a friend, as a roommate, and now knowing there was a chance it could be more left Shane felt liking a love sick puppy.

Nick was in denial, there was no question about that anymore. Shane wanted to find a way to get Nick out of that denial and show him he didn’t have to be scared. He had told Nick he’d go on and pretend that kiss never happened but he lied, there was no forgetting it.