Secrets are my Sanity

Chapter 18

I can’t hold on

To what I want when I’m stretched so thin

It’s all too much to take in

I can’t hold on

To anything watching everything spin

With thoughts of failure sinking in. –By Myself

Chapter 18

Nick wanted to run away and he would’ve if he had somewhere to go and if he wasn’t already busting his ass in school. He needed to graduate and find a stable income before he could run away. That was the part with being a responsible adult; he had never done anything on impulse…until he kissed Shane. Everything changed then.

His cellphone rang again from its spot on the passenger seat. It was probably Julienne again. She’s being trying to talk to him for the last half hour. Shane and Michael probably involved her when he didn’t show up for school.

Oh well, he thought bitterly, this was one time he couldn’t involve his best friend. It wasn’t her fought but she was close to everyone he needed to stay away from. He couldn’t bare the thought of facing Michael after what he walked in on. He certainly couldn’t see Shane either, it’d be best if they never saw each other again.

It sounded like a good idea; to stay away from Shane and the desires he made him feel. But when he thought about never seeing him again his heart ached in a pain he never knew before.

This was love and with love always came loss. He thought about that old saying ‘Is it better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all?’ right now Nick wished it could’ve never been at all. He was content not knowing what he missed being alone, by hiding his secret. With Shane he knew how good it could be and he had to run from it. It was cruel unimaginable torture.

He wished he wasn’t such a coward. He was already out of his aunt’s house, how bad could they really hurt him now? Why did it matter if they knew if he was gay or not? They already thought he was a useless disappointment.

Nick let out a long groan and rubbed his hands over his face. He needed a solution; going over all his crappy thoughts wasn’t helpful now or later.

There was only really two options; go back to his aunt’s house and suffer their abuse for a few more years until he graduated? Or go back to his apartment with Shane and fight like hell the attraction between them?

None of those worked at all because they weren’t realistic. He couldn’t go back to the abuse and he certainly couldn’t fight the attraction.

Nick refused to move from this spot in his car until he found a third option.

Shane didn’t like hounding people or making them uncomfortable but desperate times called for such measures. The person he was hounding was Julienne. She didn’t know where Nick was and he wasn’t answering his cell either but Shane believed she knew where he’d run to hide out.

“I don’t.” Julienne insisted again. “He likes to visit the park bench but only when it’s not crowded with people.”

It was just past two that afternoon and the park would be full of kids. “There has to be somewhere else.” Shane couldn’t give up, he had to find Nick. He wanted to tell him everything inside his heart and then if he still wasn’t ready to give them a chance Shane vowed to walk away and never bother him again.

“I can’t think of anything. I’m sorry.” Julienne was worried too; if there was something she could be doing to make sure Nick was ok she’d be doing it.

Michael grabbed his brother’s arm. “Let’s talk for a minute.” He pulled him outside their parents’ house where they could talk alone. “It’s tacky and all but send him a text. Tell him to give you a chance to say your piece and let him know you’re willing to walk away. He doesn’t have anywhere to go and I’m sure he’ll be willing to work this out so you can stay roommates.”

“I don’t want to be roommates.” Shane hated how out of control he felt. He couldn’t fix this with Nick, he couldn’t control his own emotions. Everything was lost.

Michael shrugged. “Maybe that’s what you’ll have to settle for. I know you want to be a friend first.”

Shane didn’t like to admit it but his brother was right. He was a friend to Nick first and foremost and because of that he didn’t want him to suffer. He didn’t want him to go back home with those hateful people or do something equally as stupid. “Ok.”

Michael wished him luck before going back inside.

Shane sat on the porch step and pulled out his phone. He’d much rather put his heart on the line face to face but that didn’t look like it’d be happening any time soon. He sucked it up and began typing out the words he hoped was enough to get Nick to listen. In the end he asked for the chance to be heard. At the end of the message he promised all he needed was a few minutes and after that he’d leave Nick alone.

As Shane waited for a reply he thought about what he was proposing. Could he really share a home with Nick and only be friends? He’d do it if he absolutely had to because it meant Nick was safe and for that he was willing to sell his own soul.

Shane had never been an impulsive person especially with his heart. He knew being different he had to be guarded against those wanting to do him damage. He thought Scott had been a safe choice to open his heart to and that had blown up in his face.

It took years for him to get out there again and date. None of those guys held his attention. There hadn’t been a flicker of life inside his heart until Nick came alone with his easy charm and addicting lips. Nick, who was ripping him to pieces and didn’t even know it, Nick, who he was steadily falling in love with even though everything humanly possible was stacked against them.

Shane took a deep breathe and wiped his tears. He had to be strong.

His cellphone made the chirpy sound that let him know he had a new message. With his heart tight and stomach spinning Shane pressed the screen to read it. The message was short. Nick was willing to talk and gave the address of where he was at.

Shane wasn’t happy because he knew deep down Nick was going to deny their relationship and want them to be strictly roommates and nothing more.

Shane wanted to be logical and prepare his heart for a letdown but as he hoped inside his car and drove he couldn’t shake the hope he had that Nick would surprise him and give them a chance at something real.