Dan and Phil Imagines

Phil Imagine

They say that he found me with the pill bottle still clutched in my hand and foam spilling out of my mouth. My eyes, I know, didn't shut. So he was left to stare into them. To stare into the nothingness that overtook them; though, I suppose he'd already been looking at that for months.

I wanted to be with him, to comfort him, to hold him. The grief of existence was nothing compared to the grief of knowing the pain I inflicted on him; my beautiful blue eyed boy.

He held me there for a long time, whispering.

"No. No. We were meant to have a future, you and me. We were meant to have babies and to go to all those beautiful places. Why, baby? Why'd you cheat me out of so much?"

If I could feel heartache here, I know that those words would cause the cruelest, nastiest one.

"I can't love you from here, baby. I need you to be here, too."

He sobbed.

He sobbed for hours.

There was no beauty in grieving. There was no beauty in death. There was no beauty or poetry or courage in my last breath.

He sobbed loud, ugly tears. He let his snot drip into my hair as he clutched tight to my lifeless body. Screaming into my neck. Begging any higher power for me to come back,

"come home, baby. I need you to come home."

I watched his beautiful heart break over me. I am positive that this is Hell.

I will be sentenced to watch my beautiful innocent boy fall apart over my selfish death for eternity.

I loved Phil Lester; but I loved myself more.

But perhaps I hated myself enough to hate Phil, too.

He cried with my body for a long time before he was pried away by his family and the authorities.

I couldn't see Phil after that, not until the viewing. He was early, but that didn't surprise me. He just stood there staring at me, with a look of hatred. I didn't blame him, though. I cheated him out of a future he found most enticing.

It was a long time before he leaned down and gave me one last kiss.

"I forgive you and I will do the loving for the both of us until I see you again." He whispered against my lifeless, colorless lips.

I lived for the moments that his voice came through the never ending blackness.

"you are so unbelievably beautiful and for whatever reason, you picked me - the clumsy guy who spilled his drink all over you on the first date- to be with. Maybe you're crazy and I really hope that you stay crazy," he once started. "I don't want anyone else on this planet or in this galaxy, and my beautiful girl, I could never move on from you because how do you get better once you have had the best? I never even imagined this is how I would be proposing to you as you deserve so much better, you deserve to have you name etched in sky writing, or have your proposal be put into a song or some cheesy YouTube video- my love I would do all of it for you. I would go beyond what you need or want I would be everything to you. I promise not to raise my voice or get angry with you. I promise to be your rock in all times that you need me to be and even times when you don't. You are the best I have ever had and the only one I would ever want to spend the rest of my life with. So I am asking to be your husband- I want you to be my wife so will you marry me?"

I screamed.

Fuck did I scream.

I screamed yes. I screamed with all that I had.

But he walked away and he never came back.

Because headstones don't speak.