Remember How I Love You (Sequel to 'Through Fire and Water')

He's Not Here

Ana's P.O.V.

"It's a lovely day, isn't it?" I say, doing my best to sound as though it's merely a passing thought I'm using to fill the silence. Hellebore replies only with a vague 'mmm' noise but I persevere. "It's been lovely for a few days, hasn't it?"

Hellebore doesn't make any reply at all this time.

"It's surprising actually. You'd think that after a storm like that the weather would take a while to be this lovely again"

Still silence from Hellebore.

"I should imagine the forest has recovered rather well. All this sunshine after the rain, it'll be growing excellently"

"I'm not taking you home, Ana" he says, finally breaking his stony silence.

"What?"

"All this talk of the weather, trying to point out that it's ok for me to take you home. You can save your breath. I'm not taking you home"

"Yet?" I say cautiously, because the way he's talking is making me feel extremely nervous.

"Sorry?" he replies, seeming a little confused by my reply.

"You're not taking me home... yet... right? You didn't say the yet"

"Of course" he agrees, his voice showing no emotion "I'm not taking you home. Yet"

He's seemed distracted all morning, as though he is somewhere else completely. Whenever he talks it's in a monotone voice and his face is just as emotionless. At first I thought he was maybe just tired, half asleep, but as the morning's gone on his disinterested manner has persisted. Outside is a glorious day, and I know Hellebore's been outside because there's fresh herbs and meat in the kitchen. The only acknowledgment he's made of his promise to take me home is his flat out refusal to do so. I don't want to think anything bad of the guy who dragged me, barely conscious, from a ravine in the middle of the night and opened his home to me, but I can't ignore the signs that something's wrong.

It's not just his detached manner and refusal that's concerning me though, if it were just those I would probably put it down to a reluctance to go near Thranduil or to leave his home unguarded and untended while he took me home. Several times today I could've sworn I've seen him staring at me when he thinks I'm not looking, looking me up and down the way you might evaluate some food you're contemplating consuming, but as soon as I turn to look at him he's looking somewhere else, suddenly intently engaged in something.

There's one more thing I've noticed as well. It could be nothing, but it could also be the most concerning. In all the days I've been here Hellebore has been coming in and out of the house, fetching firewood, throwing out scraps and rubbish, etc. He always just walks through the door and closes it behind him, not even bothering to put it on the latch, after all it's not likely that there'll be anyone else out here. Today, however, he locked the door behind him when he went out, and when he came back in.

The house sits silently. I've retreated into my room, unable to sit in the living room with Hellebore anymore. I'm hiding. I'm hiding in my room like a scared child, because if I'm honest I am scared. Something's going on here and I don't like it.

It's ridiculous of course. I should ask hellebore what's going on, that would be the sensible thing to do. But then, I never was sensible.

I'm supposed to be now. I'm supposed to be a grown up. If one of my kids was doing this I'd tell them to go and face it.

And so, with a rush of courage stemming from a reluctance to be childish, I march out of the bedroom, or rather I hobble out with my head held high. Hellebore is sat by the window, he barely even looks up as I enter.

"This is ridiculous, Hellebore"

"What is?"

"Why won't you take me home?"

"I thought you weren't going to demand that of me anymore. You were going to let me judge when it was ok to take you home"

"No, Hellebore. I was going to let you decide when it was safe"

"Well I have decided it's not safe"

"Yes it is, you and I both know it. Now why won't you take me home?"

"You could leave if you wanted"

"I can't walk. And besides, I-"

"You what?"

I'm drawn to him. There's something about Hellebore which, despite the fear it sparks in me, attracts me to him. There's something going on in his head which I need to understand, and if I walk away from it I will never stop wondering. But I don't tell him that and so instead all I can do is say "I don't know the way home"

Hellebore smiles knowingly, like he can read my thoughts and knows exactly what I almost said.

"Why won't you take me home?" I ask again.

"I can't" is his reply "I just... I..." he stutters for a while, and then he locks his eyes with mine and he whispers "I don't know why. But I can't"

Despite the vagueness of his words, there's a clarity in there, a tone which suggests he knows exactly why. And yet I believe him. Whatever his reason for keeping me here, I don't think he understands it himself.

He gets to his feet and stands facing me. "I can't let you leave" he says. His hand snakes around my wrist, it's gentle but cold and it is certainly done more to restrain me than out of affection. I feel like I should say something to stop this but I don't know what and when I try to form a sound I almost choke on my own shaky breaths.

I stand as still as a statue as he snakes his other hand around my other wrist. I don't respond at all when he leans in towards me. Can't find the ability to move when his teeth graze against my bottom lip. It's only when his lips touch mine that I find some small movement, just enough to pull my head away.

"I'm married" I choke out.

"He's not here"

"He's the love of my life"

"He's not the one who found you"

"I'm not some kind of prize, Hellebore" I stutter out, disgusted enough to finally resist. I pull my hands from his grasp. I try to move away but start to lose my balance on my crutches and teeter a bit. Hellebore puts a hand on my arm to steady me and I flinch.

"Don't touch me" I snap. He ignores me and holds on until I find my balance.

I can still feel his gaze boring into my back as I walk away. I don't breathe properly until I'm in my room and I've locked the door.