Short Stories

#13- News Report

"Today in the peaceful town of Briztle Wack Fo Shintey Shack, a new world record was created." Connie Clusterthud said into the microphone.

"Residents of the town say that farmer, Kevin Johnn has grown the largest cabbage on Earth. We sent our intern, Jane Soup to interview the farmer."

Connie smiled widely and looked around before adding, "We would send our regulars, 400 pound David and Rebecca but they decided that the bathroom was a great place to start a family. Now the office has heard 800 pounds of sex and we are all scarred. I'm probably going to quit this job when I'm done here as I cannot get the horrific sounds out of my brain. No matter how hard I slam my head against the wall. Trying to escape the life of a lowly paid news woman who has to talk about a cabbage instead of out having a good time like her sister. Whose parents made clear they loved more. Anyways, let's go to Jane with the interview about the worlds largest cabbage."

Connie finished finally. She really needed to vent, even though the camera had already cut away once she opened her mouth. They all knew what was coming.

At the farm with Jane, Kevin was showing off his cabbage friend. "Her name is Marcy." He said. Jane nodded thoughtfully. "How do you know the cabbage is a girl?" She asked. Kevin gave her a smirk, "Oh...I know." He said. Jane smiled, very alarmed by what just came out of Kevin's mouth.

"Right...anyways. How big is your cabbage exactly?" Jane asked him. "She about 12 feet long 8 tall. But, she might of grown so why don't I check again?" Kevin offered. "Go for it." Jane said. Kevin took out his little measuring tools and checked again. "Huh, that's odd. It seems that Marcy has expanded so far she's passed the mesosphere and done did broke my barn." Kevin exclaimed.

"What the hee hah snee snoh?! How did we not even notice this cabbage that has been growing in front of us and is now not 12 feet tall and 8 feet wide?!" Jane yelled.

"I do dah diddly don't know!" Kevin yelled back. "We also didn't notice that it was speaking to us! It just said, 'time to die!' It's gonna kill us!" Jane screamed loudly. "I knew I shouldn't have given Marcy those steroids! She asked so nicely, though!" Kevin said.

"You gave a cabbage steroids?!" Jane asked him. Kevin nodded. Jane teared up and began crying. "That's it. That's the end for us." She muttered to Kevin.

"Just lettuce die."