Eyes Wide Open

Chapter Five

Before, when Sungmin was alive, and before we strove to perfect ourselves, everything was much different. Kyuhyun and I were the closer to each other than we were to the others; we were so similar. Sungmin and Hyukjae, being the more dominate ones, were much closer with each other than they were to us. Then Kyuhyun began to fall for Sungmin, and around the same time, I took a hard fall for Hyukjae. We became couples; Sungmin and Kyuhyun, Hyukjae and I. But then Sungmin got the idea of perfection drilled into his head.

Sungmin told us that we could only continue being friends if we all worked towards the same goal. Kyuhyun didn't want to lose him, I didn't want to lose Kyuhyun, and Hyukjae didn't want to lose me. So we all joined in, and it had been the best choice we had ever made.  At first, when Sungmin had told us that we had to rid ourselves completely of the imperfections that resided in us, we were all unsure. How were we to do that?

Then Sungmin began to drift away from Kyuhyun, not being as close to him as he used to be. Kyuhyun would come to me, asking me to listen to him as he rambled on about the love he used to have. He used to tell me that he loved Sungmin, that he would do anything to make him happy, and if letting him go was the on thing that would please him, he would do it. But he couldn't make himself do it.

And then Hyukjae began to drift from me. Everyday, he became more and more like Sungmin, forcing himself to be absolutely perfect. I felt the pain that Kyuhyun did almost exactly. I couldn't let myself let Hyukjae go, but I wanted him to be happy. So Kyuhyun and I relied on each other for that emptiness to be filled.

But then Sungmin died, and Kyuhyun became distant. Almost as distant as I was now, sitting across from Hyukjae in an armchair as he sat on the couch in front of me. Hyukjae didn't understand the pain I felt. I couldn't explain it to him. It would go against Sungmin's rules if emotions.

"Say it," Hyukjae leaned forward on the couch, urging me to say the words that I dreaded to say; we had made Kyuhyun do the same thing when Sungmin died. "Say it, Donghae. You need to accept it."

"No," I stared blankly at the ground by Hyukjae's shoes, refusing to look up. "I can't. I can't do it."

"You need to," Hyukjae reached over and lifted my chin with two gentle fingers, forcing me to look at him. When I said nothing, he sighed heavily and stood up, grabbing me firmly by the wrist. He pulled me up and walked towards the stairs, going up them into our room. Each step we took, I became more and more distant. Reality was slowly slipping away from me.

Hyukjae pushed me onto our bed, shutting the door behind us and locking it. "Cry."

I stared at him blankly, stunned by his sudden statement. "Wh-What?"

"I said cry," Hyukjae's jaw was set firmly, and as soon as he saw that I was still unable to understand, he sat down next to me and ran his fingers along my cheek. "Forget perfection for right now. It's just you and me, and we need each other. So let it out."

And suddenly, I was crying in his arms, hot tears sliding endlessly down my cheeks. He rocked me gently, caressing my hair as I allowed the perfection that I had worked so hard to earn to leave me, making me feel small and insignificant. We sat that way or quite a while, until there was a soft knock on our door and Hangeng's voice called us downstairs to a group meeting.

When we went downstairs, hand in  hand, my face stained with tears, we received confused looks from those who didn't know. Hyukjae squeezed my hand tightly as Kibum cleared his throat.

He stood up, glancing around the room with a dejected expression at each member of our group, and when he spoke, the words finally sunk in and twisted my heart into a tight ball of unexplainable emotions. His words brought more tears to my eyes as I realized that I just had to accept it.

"Kyuhyun is dead."